BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi all,

I am not one to be extraordinarily verbose right off the bat, but maybe that's not such a bad thing to do here in my intro.

I am 27, I have been on/off in therapy since I was about 14 - Which was originally for anxiety(panic disorder) and depression. I went to a psychologist from 16-19 who specialized in anxiety disorders. She was really wonderful with helping me find ways to cope and manage my panic attacks. I can say I live essentially "panic-attack free" for the last...4 years or so. At one time, midway through my time with her, she asked me to read a book called "I hate you, don't leave me". She asked me to tell her if I identified with anything in there. I did but I wasn't about to tell her that. I was pretty embarrassed. She coaxed and prodded but I would not touch it. The things in there to me, at the time, sounded crazy.

A year or so after my therapy with her terminated, I started to wonder about that book again. I knew something wasn't right with me. I constantly felt empty, nothing ever satisfied me and there was something SERIOUSLY WRONG with my romantic relationships. I was always angry, at the silliest most insignificant things. I was emotionally abusive, very controlling, I was a big fan of getting physical with my anger - Throwing things, breaking stuff, and on a couple occasions slapping people. They were huge at the time, it was only later I would stop to look back at them and say "Oh my god..I'm so horrible". Then immense guilt would ensue. I was always on edge, thinking someone would leave me. Maybe I wasn't good enough, maybe they'd discover the 'real me'. I had no clue who the real me was, so I couldn't be positive it'd be something they'd want to stick around for. With that said, I still couldn't allow myself to be alone. I jumped from one stormy relationship to another, looking for something to fill this void inside myself. With every break-up, I felt like increasingly more like just a shell of a person. I thought losing myself in something would make me feel better; It just made it worse. I felt like parts of me were being shredded away but I didn't even know what they were.

After hemming and hawing for a few years, after a bout of alcoholism and very promiscuous activity(that was my control thing - it was the only thing that made me feel powerful, and i was very careful to never involve my emotions - empty sex), I decided I was totally exhausted with my quality of life. I couldn't keep a job, I changed majors in school like my underwear, and I was tired of feeling so empty, dead inside. I read a lot about BPD before seeking any further treatment - That totally depressed me. It seemed like a very hopeless disorder. I would stumble on these boards especially for 'nons'(it was the only bpd-related forum I could find at the time) and oh my god, I wanted to crawl in a hole. All I saw was "run run run" and how we were unfeeling psychos who would never get better. It is only in more recent times that I am able to objectively look at what they say and not take it personally. They were/are in pain too, and everyone's entitled to express that. It just wasn't a good thing for me to read at the time.

So I sought out therapy 5 years ago. BPD diagnosis has been unanimous all around, though it is just a label and not one I have to adhere to. What's important is my recovery, and focus on becoming a better, WHOLE person. I refuse to take medication for my own personal reasons, maybe one day I may change my mind but for now I am not medicated(for my depression).

It is REALLY a challenge for me to not involve myself in a romantic relationship. I made myself a promise that I would not get involved until I could really give someone 'me' - by that, I mean ME. Not a lie, a facade, an empty shell of a person. But me, in all my glorious imperfection. I just do not feel now is the right time to be in a relationship(for the last few years). I've been doing fairly well for the last several years and I do not want to be thrown back into a hot mess again. I don't feel quite strong enough yet...But one day, I will. And I won't be looking for it to fill me up, but to enrich my life.

~Miyasa

Welcome Miyasa!

Sounds like you fit right in!! Congratulations on all the work you have done already. I commend you for being relationship free for such a long time now. That is really not an easy thing to do.....but is probably one of the best to do if you really want to get to know yourself and become prepared to be a true partner with another person.

I've only recently embraced my singleness. I'm very happy though and am realizing every day how much I do like my life........how many things I do that I like. When someone comes along who fits right in.......that will be great. But I'm not looking for it.

I look forward to learning more about you....

Hi Skiotter,

Thanks for the welcome Good for you that you're embracing it! I think I used to view it as a sign of weakness/dysfunction if I was not in a relationship. Like I could only prove to the world that I was lovable if I had a boyfriend by my side. The thought of self-love never occurred to me for...gosh, a very long time. I am always very happy to see single people embracing their...Singledom? It helps me to know that there's others out there who are just fine with it. Sometimes all I hear is "I don't know how I could live with my (insert s/o here)". Then I get these little moments of panic wondering if I am doing something wrong, if I'm 'missing out'. But right now I feel more content single than I ever have in a relationship...So clearly I'm doing something right.

Hi Miyasa, and welcome! I'm glad you found us.

I'm another single, though I was married for a long time. I've decided, after being on my own for a number of years now, that I'm better by myself. An intimate relationship is just more than I can figure out. Of course, I'm also older, and nobody is exactly beating down my door trying to get me to go out with him. But I think it's smart to put relationships on hold until you've had time to figure out who you are and what you want, not to mention managing the strong emotions (including anger) that come with being partnered with someone.

It sounds like you've done some great work already. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Welcome, Miyasa!

I'm not single (married), but I can certainly identify with your desire to do this without meds. I do this without meds, but I gotta tell you.......I think it is more difficult without them. It's harder, IMO, to stop that split-second decision that is usually based solely on emotion. I know it can be done, but I believe even more effort needs to go into the recovery process-- maybe even more tools-- to allow yourself the opportunity to change.

Best wishes to you in this endeavor-- I'll be rooting for you! I look forward to getting to know each other better.

Thanks for the additional welcomes

Harmonium, about the meds... I think I realize why I am so resistant to them When I was a teen and working through my anxiety issues, I had a psychiatrist with whom I could not communicate very well. He had a very thick accent and I used a lot of weird teen lingo, lol.

Well, we had some miscommunication and he mistook my self-consciousness(about my weight)as paranoia. It was truly me being the subject of lots of teasing and ridicule, and not a figment of my imagination. He put me on an anti-psychotic... Bah, can't find it, no cigar...But it made me bounce off the walls and I never slept. He originally put me on it when I was in inpatient. The nurse gave me my little cup and when I noticed a new pill, I inquired. She just told me it 'helped with thoughts' and shooed me away when I kept wanting to know what it was for. I didn't feel physically or emotional well on that medicine at ALL, I felt sickly and drained, at the same time hyper and my thoughts constantly racing, resulting in me staying up for several days at a time. I went to several different psychiatrists after my inpatient stayed and they all agreed I should have never been placed on that medicine, and the one I stuck with weened me off.

Ever since then, I have been afraid to take medicine. It was so long ago and I really should get a move on about it, but it's something I've never actually addressed. I just sort of told myself I preferred a natural method(which I really can't deny - I like being side-effect free). I know anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications helped me back then, but I'm really afraid I'll have another adverse reaction, or worse I will be allergic to it or something(am a bit of a hypochondriac).

Back then I felt, doctors are supposed to help you, not put you on the medicine that makes you feel like utter hell. While I have since accepted that it was a miscommunication and mistake I still fear a bad reaction like that again.

Well, Miyasa, it does sound like your proir experience with meds wasn't very good, and I'm saddened to hear it.

However....that was then and this is now. If you allow one (or even many) negative experiences about things like this where the outcome is different every time and cannot be predicted.......well, that keeps you firmly stuck inside that negative past doesn't it? What about the NOW, this moment in time-- where you can make any choice, yes CHOICE, you want to better yourself? If you believe that taking meds might help you, you have doctors to supervise just in case and the only reason you choose to refuse the meds is a bad experience from you past......You are choosing to remain stuck.


It helps to not pretend anything, even-- maybe especially- towards your self. You are your own best friend, if you lie or mislead yourself-- what good does that do for you?


Fear is just an emotion and can be overcome if you try. Try the verticle arrow technique, it really helps me with fear.
Hypochondria is just another form of fear. It is not helpful to your your own health overall......stress and worry over things you cannot control gets you stressed and worried, not safer. It can make you literally sick being stress out all the time--it lowers your immune system and can have all sorts of real, physical expressions. I firmly believe that getting a handle on these things will help you overall.


It's really a shame you had that experience. I used to hold the medical profession up to too high a standard too.......but truth is they are just human too and make mistakes all the time. Part of the reason for that is miscommunication, but part of it is also......they don't know everything there is to know about the human body, particularly the brain. Science hasn't answered all of the questions yet, some of medicine (in fact quite a bit of it) is trial and error. Another big chunk is that no two people, even if they have the exact same problem, will respond to medication in exactly the same way--we are unique. All we can ask of doctor is that they do the best they can with the information at hand. It's all we ask of ourselves too.

Yes, it does keep me stuck and I know I am consciously choosing it. For me it is one thing at a time, I guess. I used to not even eat...For fear of food allergies(again, a past issue). Live off crackers and water for a week or so at a time, until I was a bit more 'adventurous' and took a bite of something else, then I included that in the diet. That actually took me a few years to work past. So now I eat anything, and have even 'outgrown' my allergy, which doctors actually think was just a sensitivity. I know how silly it sounds, but it was so hard for me. I'd cry going hungry because I wanted to eat something so bad but the fear would paralyze me, that I'd have a severe reaction(anaphylaxis) and maybe medical help wouldn't arrive fast enough, and I'd just...die. I made it so big in my head but I mean...What can you do really? If it's your time, it's your time, and at least you went eating a turkey club with extra mayo, making nummy sounds.

So I know I can get past the medicine issue for sure. But whether or not I will is another thing...Yes, I'm afraid. But I think I'm more exhausted with depression than I am afraid of a pill. And last night I took some Tylenol(when I said I take no meds at all - I meant it) for a nasty headache to start me on the path...Lol. It was weirdly liberating(aside from relieving my pain). I had my first panic attack in years(which can make you think you're having some horrid reaction) but I knew that's what it was and I just used my typical methods from years ago to calm myself down...And I was fine. Now...If only I could guarantee I'd be fine with any medicine I took! But I know I can't and that isn't reality...And there's always a chance with anything you do. I have to say relieving that headache in 20 mins was a TON better than riding it out for hours...So maybe that little step is going to help me move forward.

I don't think it is silly at all. If it is difficult for you, so be it. I know I have had some truly 'silly' experiences with anxiety-- it's definitely not silly when you are going through it!

I think it might be important for you to look at that past (positive) experience with the food-- you didn't think you would live through it, but you did and still do today. Same with the meds......the reality probably isn't nearly as bad as you might think it would be. They are just thoughts (even when those thoughts turn into overwhelming emotion). The less I make it out to be in my head, the better for me.

Good work with the Tylenol, btw. I think these little positive steps really accumulate. The good can 'add up' just like the bad used to 'add up' for me-- it's all about that which I choose to focus.


When I was depressed, doing ANYTHING was totally beyond difficult. But, I found a way and so can you. I suppose part of it for me was........well, I knew for sure what the outcome would be if I kept doing the same things I was doing-- more and more of feeling the same, horrid way. The hole just kept getting deeper; it seemed an endless pit of despair at the time. But, when I began to change those behaviours, to challenge them.......things got better bit by bit. I guess for me it was kind of a choice between the devil I knew and the unseen evil. I chose to take the leap, and it has paid off in spades.

I think you are doing great, Miyasa. I also think that you are posting here to challenge some of those long-standing beliefs that might be keeping you stuck. No matter how scary it is......challenging that which I know (like the pill thing for you) is at least something I know. There will be plenty of times throughout your recovery process that you might be questioned or challenged on things that you are not aware of or didn't think were problem things. It's easier to deal with the blind-sides if you already have experience overcoming things you know.

This is a lot for a WW post! I hope I haven't overwhelmed you-- you can do this and we will help you through. One small bit by bit.

Harmonium,

Thanks for the upbeat, encouraging words. It is sometimes baffling to me how we as people can be so resistant to change even when we're the furthest thing from content. But that is sort of outside, looking in. I have a friend who is going to move across the country for work. He absolutely doesn't want to do it, thinks he will hate it, lots of preconceived notions about the place and the people. I tell him, how can you possibly know unless you try it? It very well may be bad...On the other end, you could love it. But if you go in there convinced it's going to be bad, telling yourself how much you hate it - chances are it WILL be - And that will all be a result of your attitude towards it. Then I sort of 'stepped out' and listened to myself talk. I need to tell myself that. My negative thinking is what keeps me behind and unhappy. I am creating scenarios which MAY or MAY NOT happen and letting those thoughts rule the way my life is going, without giving it a shot. Refusing to step outside my comfort zone...Like you said, the devil you know and the unseen evil.

I'm glad I'm here I'm not overwhelmed at all. I've gotten the courage to crack open the door and peer inside, but I keep slamming it on my own fingers then running away. In a perfect world, I would just thrust it open and say "Here I AM!!!", leaving everything else behind. I get a little down on myself for not being able to..hmm..move faster..But as long as I am focused and aiming for change.

You really seem to have a great deal of personal insight-- that will take you far in the recovery process!

I like to think of recovery as a cold, icy, HUGE, savage mountain I have to (choose to) climb (I've always wanted to climb mountains). Thinking of it this way--Everestish-- helps me remember that the pace is going to be slow. I have to remember to get my oxygen filled and keep the can fresh (breathe! relax!). I have to remember that if my tools don't work or if I don't use them properly, I won't make it. I have to remember that I can only go as fast as the weakest part of me-- altitude (emotions) do strange things to the human body. I have to remember that there are no rescues on the climb-- I have to learn to be my own partner, my own best friend. I have to remember that if I just keep pushing forward, sheltering myself for the storms but getting right back on track when they inevitably pass, I will make it to the top.

You are doing great with your climb. Trying to leap up there just isn't going to happen--just keep putting one step in front of the other and you will also reach the top! Keep your goal within sight and indeed the change will come.