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 Post subject: Accused of treating my dog with cruelty!
PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 9:02 pm 
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Tonight something kind of rocked me and I need to work it through.

My spouse and I were walking our dog - a recent rescue - terrier mix. We have the dog in weekly training, and are avid watchers of the Dog Whisperer -

So we're walking and my dog is doing pretty well, however she's walking a bit ahead of us, and not paying attention to me ( I was holding the leash). I attempt to leash correct her to get her in the right position, no luck, call her name - nothing, I stop and wait, and basically ignore her until she grasped that I was waiting for her attention. Nothing. I wasn't frustrated or angry - just knew I needed to resolve this so we could go forward; spouse was on the same page. We decide we'll have her to submit. I place her in the submit position (laying down) - she immediately submits (worked well - she remembers we're the one's in charge), we're up and just about to start walking and this guy approaches from his yard, escalated, saying that I'm scaring my dog - yanking on the leash and hurting her. He tells me we should get her into the dog training at the local pet store (ummm, we're already in it).

I was a little dumbfounded, as I wasn't even frustrated with my dog. I tried explaining the leash correction - it's a harness leash, blah blah blah, he wasn't listening. My dog isn't scared, not even distressed - I was just excited she remembered i was holding the leash! My spouse, who usually doesn't confront anyone, started getting mad, and so did I. I told the guy he was making assumptions and being disrespectul. My spouse escalated and the guy escalated. I was shook up. The guy goes back to his yard after a couple of f-bombs are shared between my spouse and the guy. Good grief!

So - the four agreements.

I didn't do my best.

I didn't make assumptions.

I took things personally.

I was impeccable.

I really think doing my best would have been to realize I was offended, and taking things personally. I wish I would have realized that I needed to disengage and walk away. It didn't occur to me to walk away. I'm frustrated about that.

I feel good about not making assumptions. I didn't know this guy, I realized he perceived what we were doing was somehow harming the dog. I asked a lot of questions, but it wasn't getting me anywhere.

I took this personally. I love my dog. I'm not a perfect dog owner, but I was in no way mistreating my dog. Actually, one of the things my spouse and I feel GOOD about is that we take the responsibility and well being of our beloved dog so seriously. We're committed, caring dog owners that actually foster dogs sometimes. I lost sight of that this guy's stuff is this guy's stuff. I was reading something ibf wrote in another thread about (I'm paraphrasing) how when one comes at another without consideration for the other point of view, they are just servicing their own voice and pov - that was clear in this situation. This guy was righteous, and wrong. It bugs me that it got to me. I know better, but, at the moment, I really failed at this one.

I was impeccable - almost. I said what I thought, I wasn't particularly disrespectful, though this guy was, I said what I meant - almost. The error of my word was my words reflected that I cared more about his opinion that I really do. Allowing myself to become emotional about his assumptions, I engaged, and gave the message his words/accusations meant something. They do - in that they were words directed at me, but my reaction implied I gave a hoot, and truly, I don't. Not really.

If I could rewind, I would have walked away. I hope I'll have the where-with-all to push the ignore button in real life when I need to. I think this is an area I really need to work at - Detachment from other people's stuff.

The good news? I really needed to put together my thoughts about detaching from things I consider drama (persecuting, victim-stancing, enabling/rescuing), and I've been struggling with it for a while. Not just tonight, it's been bugging me and I couldn't wrap around how to go forward. I think this event really helped me to solidify how, when, and why I need to keep this at the forefront for my own recovery.

M.


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 Post subject: Re: Accused of treating my dog with cruelty!
PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:28 pm 
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Hi ((Molly)):

I think you've done a really good job at looking at and analysing the situ. and how you handled it vs. could have handled it really well.

I think that someone saying that I was mistreating one of my pooches would cause extreme stress for me. Just like with kids, I don't think anyone thinks they are perfect dog-owner-parents, but most of us really want to be, (and it sounds like you're doing the correct things - I like the Dog Whisperer method(s) as well, and with a rescued terrier mix - tis really important to have good training in place for the dogs own sense of security and well-being as well as you guys as owners.

Glad to see you back, btw, Molly!

Most fondly,

J./Candle


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 Post subject: Re: Accused of treating my dog with cruelty!
PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:33 pm 
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Thanks so much J

and nice to see you too - hope you're OK!

I think I'm still reeling a bit. And, disengaging has never been my strong suit. One nice thing was me and spouse were kind and supportive of each other - during and after. I'm glad for that.

Thank you ((candle)).

M.


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 Post subject: Re: Accused of treating my dog with cruelty!
PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:27 am 
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Molly, I also think you did a great job at analyzing the situation. It's really hard to detach when someone is pushing his stuff so adamantly.

Take care,

EmJay

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 Post subject: Re: Accused of treating my dog with cruelty!
PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 10:25 am 
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Thank you EmJay,

I am feeling better this morning. I went to an alanon meeting (part of my recovery), and was listening. The topic was honesty, trust and balance. There was a woman talking about "honesty" - admitting to herself that she really knew her spouse had been abusing her daughter; another person that talked about being "honest" about being self destructive and having to admit this to their spouse. My issue seemed minor in comparison. It helped me get perspective.

My "honesty" is that I must admit the opinions of strangers can derail me, even if I absolutely logically "know" they are not correct about me. I find that weird, and a constant part of what I have to work on.

Anyway, I feel better today - and me and my little doggie have had a great morning.

Molly


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 Post subject: Re: Accused of treating my dog with cruelty!
PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 7:43 pm 
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Location: Reality ~ It's a great place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there!
Sometimes we just have to trust that we know best and that some well-meaning people are idiots! I used to keep rabbits in a 24 foot by 24 foot rabbit run and I had a woman tell me how "cruel" it was to let my rabbits run around and eat off the ground (people would throw in carrots and other produce for them as they walked by and enjoyed watching them). She believed that they should be in a wire cage instead and threatened to "report" me to Animal Control. My understanding about what is best for an animal is for it to have as "natural" a habitat as possible and being in a wire care is most unnatural for rabbits since they tend to live on the ground and even burrow in the ground. Wire cages were created long after rabbits roamed the planet, after all!

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 Post subject: Re: Accused of treating my dog with cruelty!
PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:42 pm 
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Quote:
some well-meaning people are idiots!


Yeppers Denim! I'm with ya on that one.

I'm amazed the change 24 hours has brought me - I'm much more able to let this guy have his opinion without fighting it in my head. Thanks for the support, and I bet your bunnies LOVED having all that room.

molly


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 Post subject: Re: Accused of treating my dog with cruelty!
PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 7:00 pm 
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Hello Molly,

You don't know me I am quite new.

I think you did a great way of handeling it. We all are going to get into those situations. BPD or not. I don't care who you are, you could be the most "normal" psychologist out there. Somebody is going to tick you off.

The difference with us BPD is how we handle it.

It is important to remember that we all get mad. Not to be quick to blame the Illness for small instances.

For me it is I get mad, but if I yell and just scream and try to provoke any kind of violence that is when I know it is the illness and I need to step back and revaulate.

Feeling angry and hurt is normal, you walked away and you did not get violent or into a screaming match. You just had regular anger.





But walking your dog and being offended by what some guy said because it was wrong and just non Justifiably true. I bet the President of the United States would defend himself.

I give you kudos!

I also can learn from this as well :)

Lisa

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