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 Post subject: Don't Take Anything Personally
PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 12:58 pm 
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Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.


R and I broke up...again. Last weekend, some friends I know through him had a BBQ for the 4th of July. I speak with one of them regularly on Facebook and I know she would have invited me to the BBQ. She asked me last week if I knew what my plans were for the 4th because we had previously discussed going to Six Flags. I told her I was housesitting through the 4th and could not be away somewhere for the whole day because I had to let the dogs out and they go out a lot. Then I find out about the BBQ and she never specifically invited me. I knew about it because she asked me how to make jello shots and she posted on Facebook that she was having a BBQ and I commented "oh you're not going to Six Flags?" and she replied that they had postponed the Six Flags trip and decided on a BBQ instead. But she never asked if I wanted to come to the BBQ and I don't have her address. Well of course my ex went to the BBQ. I spent the whole 4th of July holiday alone - except for the three dogs where I am housesitting. My first thought is that they purposely didn't invite me because they knew my ex was going and he doesn't want to see me so they are keeping me away.
To untwist that thought: Don't take the lack of invitation personally. Most likely she misunderstood my declining to go to Six Flags as meaning that I was busy for the whole day and wouldn't even be able to go to the BBQ. I would have been able to give the dogs an early dinner and go to the BBQ, but she did not know that. Her not inviting me was not meant as a personal stab at me.

Now, another mutual friend has a birthday coming up - this Sat. I e-mailed her husband last night to find out if he has anything planned for her birthday and tell him I would love to see them because it's been a while and I miss them. He writes back that he thinks the plan is to have a BBQ at his mother-in-law's house. I write back that maybe I will call the birthday girl and see if she would be OK with me stopping by the BBQ (again, knowing that my ex will be there and I don't know if they would invite me knowing that he will be there). Then this morning I write a message to another friend and tell her that I will see her at the BBQ. She writes back that they decided not to have the BBQ and makes plans for us (she, myself and the birthday girl) to do a "girls night" on Friday instead. Thereby dashing my hopes of seeing my ex (he would have been at the BBQ and I really really want to see him but obviously he doesn't want to see me). Something doesn't smell right here. It feels like again they are trying to keep me away from my ex. I have a sneaking suspicion that (a) there will be a BBQ on Sat. and I am not invited or (b) the rest of them will do something else on Sat. and not tell me/invite me.
BUT I will try to not take this personally. Maybe they really don't want to have a BBQ because they just did one for the birthday girl's brother 2 weeks ago. Maybe our friend really does want to have a girls' night instead of hanging out with all the guys at my ex's house on Friday, which is what everyone usually does.
Even if my ex really doesn't want to see me and is trying to avoid me, I can try not to take that personally. He doesn't want to see me because he is working on his own feelings and hurt over our break up - not because he doesn't like me anymore or wants nothing to do with me anymore. It also doesn't mean that the rest of our friends are in on some scheme. Don't take it personally...

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"If you can forgive the person you were, Accept the person you are, and Believe in the person you will become, You are headed for joy."


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 Post subject: Re: Don't Take Anything Personally
PostPosted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 9:50 am 
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Good for you for working on not taking personally your not being invited to the barbecue parties. I think it's very likely you weren't invited to the July 4th party because you had said you were busy with the dog-sitting, but regardless of the reason -- for either situation -- it's not all about you.

But don't forget the other agreements.
Quote:
Don't make assumptions -- Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
You're doing pretty well with this one, in that you haven't jumped to conclusions about your friends' motivations, but as with the taking it personally stuff, it's really easy to slip into. And I hope you'll think about this one as well:
Quote:
Be impeccable with your word -- Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
It seems to me that you really want to go to the two parties because you want to see R, and not to be with the various hosts and hostesses. If you believe he doesn't want to see you right now so he can work through some of his feelings about your (latest) break-up, why do you want so badly to try to be where he is? Is that being honest and impeccable with your word? I think we have to be just as impeccable in our "conversations" with ourselves as with others, so you need to be upfront with yourself as well as with your friends. I don't know -- I find it rather sneaky and manipulative, which isn't really fair to either R or your friends. Isn't it likely that if you show up where R is there will be a certain amount of drama that will follow? Is that really honest?

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: Don't Take Anything Personally
PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:25 am 
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Who, me? Manipulative? Haha you totally figured me out Sari!
Thanks for responding and you made some great points. Things worked out well actually. I did get to see my friend on Sat. for her birthday and R was there too and no drama.

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"If you can forgive the person you were, Accept the person you are, and Believe in the person you will become, You are headed for joy."


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 Post subject: Re: Don't Take Anything Personally
PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2009 10:24 am 
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I'm glad it all worked out, but I hope you'll think about some of this stuff -- the Agreements, and so forth -- in the future, especially in terms of your relationship with R. ;)

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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