Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Tue Sep 25, 2018 1:35 am

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 5 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Still Taking Things Personally
PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2010 4:45 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sat Jul 03, 2010 3:17 pm
Posts: 120
Hi!

So, here's the story. Last night, we had a party at our house and... one of the guests left her purse locked in a housemate's room. No one had seen him around in the past 15 or so minutes, so since every room in the house has the same lock, I decided I'd let her in. Turns out he was having sex in his room! There was a line of people outside the room waiting for the bathroom right down the hall. Yikes! I apologized immediately and forgot about it until...

This morning, I was going to the kitchen and I heard him and two of my housemates loudly ragging on me about it. I waited outside the door and walked in saying "hey, you aren't saying anything you couldn't say to my face, are you?" and so he repeated what he'd been saying, in a more direct way. Apparently I'm supposed to call him before I go in his room and stuff. News to me.

I've been trying not to take it too personally, because I know he's just angry and maybe embarrassed about it, and he does have a point, but I really can't stand people being mad at me, ESPECIALLY behind my back like that. Plus now I'm worried about having strained relations with him and his girlfriend.

Any ideas on how to honor the Four Agreements, especially the first one, in this instance? It just happened, so maybe its a little too early to be attempting to think about it objectively. I'm having difficulty with it.

-BeWild

_________________
Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Still Taking Things Personally
PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2010 4:47 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sat Jul 03, 2010 3:17 pm
Posts: 120
second agreement actually, my bad

_________________
Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Still Taking Things Personally
PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2010 7:43 pm 
You made a social 'oops'. You're human, you made a mistake. All you can do is apologize and be done with it, and make a mental note for next time. I truly doubt him or his girlfriend will hold a grudge for a long time, let alone forever. It may be a bit awkward for little while, but remember we all feed off each other's awkwardness. If you're acting 'funny' around them, they may act 'funny' right back, and vice versa.

The man does have a point. And he is also within his rights to vent about it/his embarrassment. There's a world of a difference between venting and sneakily gossiping behind your back with ill intentions. He did tell you exactly what his issue was when asked - Which is great, because like I said, now you know. No wondering, no guessing, no assumptions!


Top
  
 
 Post subject: Re: Still Taking Things Personally
PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:48 am 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sat Jul 03, 2010 3:17 pm
Posts: 120
Wow, you mean the world doesn't revolve around me and my feelings? Damn!
:P (tongue-in-cheek, except it actually IS hard to remember, its hard to accept that others have a right to their feelings and the expression of them, even anger.)

Given the situation were reversed, I probably wouldn't have handled it so well.
My heart still does its little jumping jacks of hurt whenever I think of it.

Anyway, thanks for your bit of perspective, even though now I feel worse that I was mad at him for venting. >.<

I think it would help if somehow I could *know* when other people's anger is about *them* and not me, because when someone's mad at you, it sure *feels* like its always and completely about you and what you did wrong.

I'm trying to ask myself how I can learn from this experience beyond changing my behavior with regards to opening doors. Luckily I can ask my therapist that today.

Cheers!

-BeWild

_________________
Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Still Taking Things Personally
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:33 pm 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 679
Location: Australia
Quote:
I'm trying to ask myself how I can learn from this experience beyond changing my behavior with regards to opening doors. Luckily I can ask my therapist that today.


I hope your T helps.

I'd like to look at the taking it personally thing.

You made a mistake, and it seems you can see it was an understandable one. You didn't have bad intentions, in fact you were trying to help someone. That's a good thing. I doubt very much you'll be letting anyone into anyone's room without first calling or knocking loudly in the future. But it was an unfortunate series of events, and if I were your flatmate, I'd be asking myself why I locked my door to have sex w my GF at a party at my house when someone's handbag was in my room. Not that this needs to be said to him (bc that wouldn't help at all).

How he chooses to respond to the situation has absolutely nothing to do with you. How you respond, how you behave is the only thing within your control. That's why taking other people's behaviour personally doesn't add up. You've checked yourself and can't see how you did anything particularly foolish or thoughtless. I imagine you were profusely apologetic.

But his response, by bitching to others about you and making out you've done something horribly bad is all about him. It's unpleasant, I understand. It's horrible when people are angry with you, especially when there's nothing you can do, or in your situation, really could have done to avoid the event that's triggered their anger. But that's the stuff that's out of your control.

So let's have a look at the consequences of taking this personally: You feel like crap, which doesn't make your life any better. When we feel like crap we tend to make bad decisions, and become reactive. Like you were this morning when you walked in asking to be told to your face. You were confronting him, and that probably only fuels an already delicate situation.

Can you try to forgive him for his behaviour?

Just because someone thinks you've done wrong, doesn't mean you have. Possessing a strong sense of self involves believing in our ability to stand against others at times, knowing that what we believe is right.

And I don't think any of this needs to be said to anyone but you. You can manage this alone. You can't make all the people happy all the time (out of your control) - but you can make yourself happy most of the time. That's the aim.

_________________
~ Sarah


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 5 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group