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 Post subject: My worst enemy!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 3:02 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 17, 2012 7:21 am
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My worst enemy is me! Seems impossible that some one would hate themselves. It's anti-life. Self preservation is a fundamental thing for healthy people. How can I ever hurt myself so much that all will be well. Why do I think I deserve to be hurt. It's the inner hatred and rage. I sometimes feel like I could cause so much destruction if I let myself show my anger. I keep it in well and when it comes out it's usually me who gets hurt. I need to be kind to me somehow. Why don't I think I'm worthy of love? Why so much suffering? Why did mean kids find me out and bully me in school? I was so sad and scared in school. I trembled in front of class. I pretended to be injured or hurt to get attention. I don't know where things went wrong. My Mom is and was emotionally unavailable. My Dad was a bully verbally to me. What did I ever do to deserve what happened to me. I want to like me. I want to really care about others but I'm so self absorbed that I can't.
I hate to write bad things all the time. I am a bad person sometimes.
Mike

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Coming out of the darkness!


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 Post subject: Re: My worst enemy!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 4:02 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 6:12 pm
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Location: sarasota
Mike,

It seems like you are dwelling a lot on past hurts and negative experiences. Maybe you can start living in the present....those mean kids, and believe me I know about those kids,ha,ha......are long gone out of your life. Focus on whats happening in your life right now. Do you exercise at all....I know for me it's helpful when I'm feeling somewhat "hostile" shall we say towards people and things happening in my life. Maybe a punching bag that you could punch to at least physically ventilate your anger. Things always look different to me when I know I'm doing something good for myself...or others. How about getting together with some friends or family.


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 Post subject: Re: My worst enemy!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 4:53 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:48 am
Posts: 421
Location: Brampton
Hi Mike,

I, too, am sometimes filled with self loathing. I still need to learn to be my own best friend. I had a decent childhood. My mother was chronically depressed but always interested and supportive during my childhood. My father had on again and off again drinking problems. When he was unemployed or under stress, he would drink and be verbally abusive to my mother who I defended ferociously. My father changed drastically after retirement. He became the loving, doting husband that my mother always deserved and my father and I became very close...then he died.

I, too, was bullied in school. I was an ugly duckling who didn't grow out of it until I was 14 and began modeling. My brother was bullied relentlessly both verbally and physically because he's gay. I defended him as well as I could.

Right now, my mental illness has destroyed my marriage and I'm filled with self loathing. I, too, believe I deserve to hurt to make up for all the hurt I inflicted on my husband and son. I, too, don't believe I'm not worthy of love.

You're not a bad person. You're just carrying a lot of pain. We're in the same boat. We both have work to do. We need to keep trying. Write down things that we like about ourselves. Be patient with ourselves.

I hope this post finds you well, Luna

_________________
"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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