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 Post subject: New Here
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 5:59 am 
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Hi,

Can a person with BPD feel deep intimacy with the person they are with ?

My husband seems to fit BPD, and agrees that this is so. I love him but I have now asked him to leave because I can not handle the cycles of his emotions because it seems like a kind of emotional abuse. My self-esteem and confidence in my logical thinking is very low.

I have been with him for 11 years and have two lovely kids. We got into the relationship very quicky, I fell pregnant at 3 months into the relationship. He took a job which was very stressful and emotionally abusive which resulted in a string of awful things happening.

He rotated his credit cards and remortgaged for £50,000 with no explanation where the money went.
He was banned from Driving due to Drink/Driving which theatened his job.
They kept him on at work but made him feel grateful.
This lead him to conducting a text/email affair with his secretary over 9 months. A fantasy relationship conducted mostly by text (almost 50 a day, most days) , e-mails and some meetings, He said he loved her but came home shortly after I told him to go.
He holds bitter resentment for our son, and feels unable to hug him or tell him anything positive about himself.
He admits that he cant handle any stress or function in any social situation.
He is jealous of the way I make friends easily.
He hasnt got any friends or family that he can talk to except me.
He paints everyone we meet as bad in some way so that we dont see them again.

I had a breakdown, we lost our house and I made him leave his job for both our sakes.

He has re-built a lot of things , changed to a less stressful job, took some exams to begin a degree in September, taking on domestic responsibilities and becoming more involved as a father.

But he cant sustain an intimate relationship with me for many weeks without creating an argument, where he accuses me of trying to monitor him, control him, or put him down. He agrees to try to spend time to talk, eat with me and go out, but then backs out. This cycle can be three months to 3 days !

But then admits that I am the best friend he has ever had, doesnt want to lose me and is rational that he thinks negatively and has low self-esteem. I love him and have tried to do what I can do to help. He wont get professional help as he fears it will affect his career future. He says that we cant afford counselling ( which have been through and spent a lot on) He cant go to the doctor, he's tried acupuncture, excercise and diet , he says he will try st johns wort. I suggested cognitive behavoural therapy, positive thinking and self esteem self help books, but very little of what I suggest is put into practice.

I am a my wits end... If he does have a reason i.e personality problem, then there is a reason why all these awful things have happened, and I shouldn't just send him packing ! I want him to be more positive and feel real joy in life... for his won sake... to be Happy.


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 Post subject: Re: New Here
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 3:55 pm 
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Hi and welcome --

I don't want to sound too discouraging, but if your husband is unwilling to get help -- therapy, possibly medication -- things aren't going to get better. If indeed he has BPD, which I can't tell you (only a mental health professional can diagnose), he needs help to get control of it. It *is* possible to get better, but it's not easy and takes a lot of work, and it's very, very difficult to do on your own. I don't know what kind of job he has, so I don't know how it is that getting into therapy will hurt his future career, but he has to decide if it's worth the risk. If he chooses not to, he will probably lose his family, and it may be tough for him to even keep the job.

And what is his problem with your son? You have two children, right? Does he treat his other child decently, and then totally blow off this boy? That is so not right, and potentially terribly damaging to your son. I know you want more intimacy for yourself, but I think this child should be your focus right now. If your husband really cannot even hug him or tell him anything positive, I feel that is emotional abuse, and if he can do those things for his other child, then it's even worse.

I hope you can change his mind on this and get him to seek some help. And if possible, maybe you and your son might get some therapy as well.

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I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: New Here
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:12 pm 
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No matter what your husband's professional dx is or will be, the issue is his when it comes to seek help and deciding to work on his problems. As for you and the kids, it would be a great idea to venture out and get a support system just for you, maybe therapy or a support group of some kind.

When I read about the missing money, all my red flags went up! My hsuband of 24 yrs. is a gambling addict and hid the amount of damage he had done almost to the very last day when he was convicted of embezzlement. Have you ever gotten any kind of explanantion where the money went?

I am also wondering about the issues with work and the online affair, are these facts you stated or just his side of the story? Or maybe just excuses? I have been burned by a pathological liar whom I enabled and was co-dependent to for way too long.

Is your son the older child? If you got pregnant so quickly and he was not so thrilled about it, maybe he is taking some stuff out on the boy?

In any case, this does not sound like a healthy environment for the children, so your decision to make him leave is a good one for right now. The job thing seems to be a good pressure tool for your husband? And how would therapy threaten it? Ts cannot inform employers about anything, it is absolutely confidential!

Let us know how you are doing with this situation. You are not alone and I have been there, in different ways but been there never the less!

Hang in there!


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 Post subject: Re: New Here
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:22 pm 
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i know im gonna get in trouble for this but picking out one child to abuse is very common in child abusers. it could be because it was done to them or other reasons but many will terribly abuse one child and shower love on the others. (my H showers the love on his dogs and ignores the human kids)

i dont know where your located, but lots of counseling can be found for free or low cost out there, abuse shelters, family service places, etc. meds also can be low cost if you qualify.

abusers also do the cycle of honeymoon, build up, abuse, being sorry, back to honeymoon and on it goes.

even those of us with personality issues, chemical brain issues, or anything can learn to behave and follow boundaries. that is no excuse to abuse or behave badly or have a affair.

i also hope you find counseling for you and your kids. the thing is, the kids will grow up to be the same way to their own kids. or abusers, or victims.

sari, that is damaging to both kids, not just one. i think anyways.

he seems to be choosing to not face himself or get help. i hope you find help for you and the kids.

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 Post subject: Re: New Here
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:40 pm 
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Nobody here, including me, is qualified to make a professional diagnosis about personality disorders or other forms of mental illness.

I don't disagree with anything I've seen in the responses so far, except any suggestions that a particular behavior pattern is a symptom of a particular personality disorder and thus suggests that it is present.

What I wanted to do with this post is try to answer the first question you asked.

Quote:
Can a person with BPD feel deep intimacy with the person they are with ?
My answer would be absolutely yes. As to the question can someone who is professionally diagnosed as suffering from BPD ever truly recover and lead a happy healthy life???? My answer to that one would also be absolutely yes.

I was dxed with BPD several years ago. I had no idea what those behavior patterns were about. I had wonderful intimacy with my second wife until she dissociated and with the first for many years. I don't think it's a matter of being unable to be intimate or love deeply. We can and do. But the behavior patterns we develop over the years make it impossible to see that. We do things that feel and look so hurtful. And we often have no idea that hurting is resulting from our behavior. Every thing seems normal. But we behave in ways that make people crazy and want to avoid intimacy with us at all costs.

I can't speak for what anyone else, including your H thinks about loving anyone. But for me, I am certain that deep intimacy is possible and actually suspect that because many BPDs seem to be highly sensitive people, that with recovery it should be possible to enjoy a deeper and more healthy initimacy than you ever imagined.

Whether you can or should accept the cost of getting to that point, only you can say.


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 Post subject: Re: New Here
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:22 pm 
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Re the last posting:

Reading this gives me hope - no, not really, because I refuse to have any kind of hope anymore- but I find it nice to see that there are people out there who are able to have intimacy with someone. I never figured this one out. I was clingy and desparate for the reassurance that my partner would not leave me. But I never had a true sense of intimacy and the saddest thing is that I cannot identify love. I have no clue, what that feels like. Never did. The concept is totally alien to me. I know all the right things to say but the feeling just isn't there. In fact, I find it scary when someone declares and displays love for me. I don't like closeness of any kind and feel suffocated when someone wants to get too close to me. I rather keep my distance and maybe I do this to prevent being hurt? I don't know. I have also neve seen or experienced either love or intimacy when growing up. My whole family is kind of removed and my parents got married because of me and stayed married simply because there was no alternative for them. So since we learn mostly from our parents/family, what are the chances of being emotionally healthy, I wonder?

I thought that I really loved my husband when we first met and got married because this feeling was new to me. Never had the chance though to find out, if it could have changed anything because it all ended 6 weeks after our wedding when I found out about his gambling.

You are so right, we are overly sensitive people but I wonder, how come I feel only negative stuff so very deeply and neve joy, or love, or anything else that can be described as positive?

Sometimes I am tired of listening to my own b******** and go to myself: Here she goes again!

Glad to see, that others are not that bad.

Birgit


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 Post subject: Re: New Here
PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 5:03 am 
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Thankyou to everyone out there, I didnt know if I would offend anyone by posting this, it was my last hope to understand what is going on in my life.

My h left his high profile job to retrain to go to do a degree in something he always wanted to do... I enabled it because I love him and want him make himself happy.

The explanation for the money was that he borrowed money initially to get the mortgage because I was pregnant and we could afford in any other way. He got given more credit and rotated it over 6 years. He worked in Finance and tried to keep up the pretence he was loaded.

He self destructed over several years untill I found out about the affair and kicked him out.

In a phone call I made asking for Divorce/Seperation agreement he told be that he had felt sorry for this girl (in the affair) because she had been sexually abused by her cousin.

I said that I had had a similar thing happen to me, and later it came to light that so had he. With a male cousin who was an adult when he was an innocent child. The incident only happened once, and he says he feels nothing about it.

His resentment for Aidan , he says, is because he knew when Aidan was born that we were f*cked financially and he has struggled to get over it. He was jelous of the close relationship me and my son have. He felt he got his nose pushed out. He was never shown any affection when he was a kid and grew up in an elderly parents home where nothing was discussed. If I thought for one second he had physically abused I would pick my kids up and move without hestitation. But I dont believe that to be the case. The relationship seems to be warming as he is getting involved in enjoying sport and that they have something in common. My brother and Dad had the same problems. But I have heard what you have said and will keep an eye out.. Truthfully he is never left alone in his Dads company because he was always pretty much a vacant dad.

We talked last night and we have both decided that we will go down the road of creating a healthy relationship. I have decided that I can deal with my own co-dependency by finishing my art degree and becoming financially and emotionally independent. I have said that I would like a 50/50 relationship with fun and intimacy so that I can enjoy a healthy relationship, but I have made it clear that his emotional issues are his and I am not here to solve them for him. He agreed that he wants more fun with me and the kids, and that he will split the chores/childcare and household stuff equally. I really didnt have a good role model in my parents relationship, it was highly co-dependent.

I am hopeful that I can enjoy emotional honesty and intimacy with my H but am working hard on my own boundaries and caring for my kids.

I cant tell you what a difference it makes being able to talk about this :) Thankyou x


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 Post subject: Re: New Here
PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 1:56 am 
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I am in a better mood now and I feel that I overstated my case somewhat... My H was interfered with once by his cousin and made to feel humiliated but there was no actual sexual abuse. Its made him very reactionary with anything to do with the kids. Sexual play in children is apparently a grey area, it depends how you feel about it, according to a therapist I saw a few years ago.

I have checked with the kids that they know about how to keep themselves safe.. this was difficult to do without over worrying them. I feel happy that they are safe and confident nothing has happened to them.

I feel that maybe I suffered the consequences of a man who had financial stress and low self esteem who's life got out of control but that was 4 years ago. Since then he still has his moods but is building his self esteem so that he can deal better with problems as they occur.

I think reading about personality disorders on the internet is dangerous without a medical diagnosis... My fear could have caused me to lose my family by over-reacting to his history and symptons.

I appreciate the support on this site but am going to deal with my own co-dependancy problem and try to save my family from further stress by creating healthy relationships with all of them

Thankyou for your advice...


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 Post subject: Re: New Here
PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:20 am 
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Sweet. Best of luck, Art.


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 Post subject: Re: New Here
PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 7:17 pm 
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Sorry I replied late, but Art I fell deeply in love with the man I was with and we were very intimate and when he passed away in 2005 I wanted to take my life and be with him. But I knew that I couldn't be with him. I had to live not only for myself but my nieces. I still miss him to this day but the pain gets easier day by day. But yes a person with BPD feel deep intimacy with the person they are with ?

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