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 Post subject: Solutions?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 10:58 am 
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I'm not sure if this thread goes here or in twisted, but I've decided to be proactive and try to work a solution on my end. I need help!

Problem: My SO keeps getting out of our bed Sundays waking me up. He has the right to arise whenever he chooses, but by not acknowledging me when he does, I am left feeling abandoned. I wake up and panic. He proceedes to go into the living room, play video games until I get up and then promply go back to bed. This makes me feel avoided, although he insists it is coinsidence. I can't go back to sleep and therefor never get a good night's rest and am angry at him all day for something he has a right to do.

Action: 1. Demand he let me know when he's going to leave our bed at 5am (today, 3hours after I went to sleep!). 2. Say nothing and fume 3. Realize that he is not doing this 'to' me. It doesn't really have anything to do with me.

Which One: I think I should do #3, but it is hard to not take this personally when I have voiced my dilemma to him repeatedly over the course of about a month every possible way. I've been calm, angry (I flew off the handle this morning and he still hasn't come out of the bedroom), sugery sweet, you name it I've tried to let him know that it bothers me and I need him to acknowledge me. I need to find a way for it not to bother me. How do I do this??????

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 Post subject: Re: Solutions?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:07 pm 
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I agree that of the choices you laid out, the third one is the best.

I'm a little confused, though, about whether the main problem is that you're annoyed just by the fact that he gets up early and wakes you and you can't get back to sleep, or whether it's that you're feeling "abandoned" and panicky, or whether it's that he doesn't "acknowledge" you when he gets up.

If it's the first, is there anything you can do about it? Maybe go to bed earlier the night before so you get more sleep? Maybe ask him to get up more quietly so you don't wake up at all? As far as the abandonment stuff is concerned, I'm not sure I get that -- if he's consistently just going into the other room to play video games when he gets up, I don't see much that should trigger abandonment there. If he were leaving the house altogether and you didn't know where he was going or how long he would be gone, I could understand it a little bit more. Maybe you can look at whether you're over-reacting a bit there. And then I'm not sure what you mean by the acknowledgment you're looking for when he leaves your bed. If he speaks to you and reassures you that he's only going into the living room -- to help you with your abandonment issue -- then you're going to be awake, and that won't help you with your getting enough sleep.

You're right, though, not to take whatever he's doing personally. Hopefully you two can continue to talk things out, and I highly recommend you talk when you're both calm and willing to hear each other. Getting angry, or making demands, is only likely to make it harder to resolve this.

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 Post subject: Re: Solutions?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 5:55 pm 
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Thank you Sari, for your reply. Reading back over this I am embarrassed that I was angry enough to post it.

I'm confused too. I don't really know why this situaiton is triggering such emotion from me, but it is and I would like to find a way to stop.

You are right in that I am over-reacting to this. He is not leaving the house. However, when I wake up alone, I get scared. I don't know why or what to do about it. Knowing that I am over-reacting isn't the problem, stoping myself from doing so seems to be. I can normally control my emotions when I realize that I over-react (common for me), but in the early morning I am not fully awake and don't seem to be able to stop and think first. Then I am angry all day over something I really don't have a right to be angry about. I would like to stop this cycle. Getting to bed earlier is an option, sort of. I go to bed early, but have a hard time falling asleep (even on meds). It is also not the only problem. Even if I do get adequate sleep, I want to be able to sleep in one day a week! Maybe that is selfish, but don't I have that right?

By acknowledgement, I meant that if he would just give me a peck on the forehead-no words- I would wake up enough to realize that he was getting up, but I could fall back asleep knowing that he was just going into the other room. It seems like a simple solution to me, but is one where I need his cooperation and he is not consistant about helping me. A better solution is one where I don't 'need' him to soothe me.

Today, I apologized to him when he did get up. We have not discussed it further and the day between us is okay.

Again, thanks for your feedback. I welcome any and all.

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 Post subject: Re: Solutions?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 7:28 pm 
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In a little way, this reminds me of something that happened to me last week. I had this terrible dream that my H left me for another woman. When I woke up, he had left for work already. I was very upset, even though I knew intellectually that this wasn't reality. I wanted to call him but knew I really shouldn't bother him at work. So I had to do some self-talk to calm myself down. I also Distracted myself with doing some activities around the house. I know it's difficult to do Distraction exercises when you're half-asleep, but you can do some self-talk here. Just talk to yourself and tell yourself that he isn't really abandoning you. He has every right to get out of bed. Gee, I do it all the time. My H never knows when I'm going to get up and leave the bedroom. So just try to self-soothe and do some self-talk and maybe you will feel better.

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 Post subject: Re: Solutions?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 11:30 pm 
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Thanks Bordergirl.

Your right. I will try to do more self talk before I get out of bed and get angry with him. It is hard for me to do in this situation, though. It only happens on Sundays. He leaves for work earlier than I do M-F and I don't have a problem with that. It is kinda weird why this bothers me so much. Once I do get up, I like your distraction idea. That way, I won't be brooding all day. Sundays are our slow day, so there is lots of free time, maybe too much for me. Maybe I need to plan an activity or schedule something to distract me and allow him to do what he wants.

I appreciate the help everyone! I know this seems trivial, even to me now, but this morning it did not. Just goes to show how fleeting some emotions can be, even if they are intense during the moment.

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"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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