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 Post subject: running late
PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 5:39 am 
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hi - quick qu (or 2) about the 5 steps.

step 2. states write the problem down - obviously there are many situations whereby time does not allow you to do this in which cases are we just meant to go through it in ourr heads. i've noticed a lot of my stress comes from running late for stuff so i would no way be able to take too much time to go the steps.

also, when you are determining which solutions to follow through with - a lot of things i think the best solution would be just to let them go as they are minor and don't really matter and have no serious consequences. however when i decide to do this the issue seems to increase in importance 'cos i'm still running it around in my head considering whether it really would be better to say something. i start thinking ok it's of little importance but best to get it off my chest - thinking i can surely state something without it blowing out of proportion. problem is a lot of these scenrios are ocurring with my 13 year old daugher - and after learning various behaviour from me these minor things can easily be blown out of proportion. problem for me is that if i'm thinking like that - even if i decide to let it go - there probably will come a point later that i will go ahead at a givem opportunity and get my say about the issue anyway - and this will be spontaneous and not having made this 'solition' be rationalised at all via putting it through the 5 steps again - wouldn't i have been best to take this course of action in the first place. do i make any sense at all?


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 Post subject: Re: running late
PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 10:32 am 
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Hi. I'm new here too and still learning the steps, but let me see if I can help.

Maybe you are dealing with something similiar to what I have found; that I can't really tell what is going to be a blow-up before it is, that things I thought were minor turn out to be major. By going to the Tools section and reading the Seperation of Stuff and the Feelings and Moods I have been better able to discern what is what. I'm still learning and I still have trouble deciding what is really important to me. I try not to overthink once I have made up my mind about something. It's not easy... I second-guess a lot.
I find that if I go back and work some old problems that have already been resolved, the 5 steps are easier to use. For me, this has helped.

Step one HALT: When I have a problem, I have to stop and breathe. It sounds like you are pretty busy and may not have a lot of time to do this, but maybe just a quick check in with yourself to make sure your not hungry or overly tired and to really take a deep breath would help with clarity.
Step two: Determine what the problem is, write it down. I know this one is hard (I'm not very concise with my thoughts!), but I find isolating the major source of the problem to be resolving in and of itself. For example: My H and I had a fight this morning because we share a bathroom. Silly fight, as I call it because it was a big fight over minor stuff. He 'made' me late. I yelled at him for hogging the shower and making me late for work. Upon using
Step 2, I realized I was really mad because he chose to stay up last night drinking. He always says he'll go to work on time afterwards and never does. My anger stems from a broken boundry (i.e. he is not supposed to drink on weeknights or I am supposed to stay with family) So, I am really mad at myself for not inforcing my own boundries. He was doing what he has been doing for years. I only control me. I did not have to write this down, just really think about the source of the problem. Was I mad at my H for making me late, for being late himself or because he didn't do what he said? Maybe because I didn't do what I said? Now I'm no longer mad at my H, but I hope I can figure out a way to better set my boundries.

Steps 3 and 4: Determine 3 courses of action and determine which one is best for now. It sounds like you are not having trouble with these. I find sometimes some of my solutions are wild. Like, I would recommend throwing my husband out the window for this morning, although that is not really viable, it makes me feel better just to admit I would like to. I usually know what to do, I just don't like having to do it. The right way is not always easy for me.

Most important, IMHO, is Step 5: Do it. Now that you have determined a couse of action, do it. Sounds simple, huh? It's not, it's the hardest one for me. I know that life follows a path you cannot always predict, but if you have determined the best course of action for a particular problem through rational thought and calm logic, then please try your best not to let emotions sway you in the moment. I try to Radically Accept my decisions. It is not easy sometimes. The worst is me thinking about them nonstop, going over in my mind how senerios could be played out one way or another. But I try to remember that the emotion will pass. The action will stay. Every time I catch myself rehashing a problem that I have solved with the 5 steps, I take a deep breathe, HALT, and try to distract my thoughts. This usually works, I'm easily distracted :).

I hope some of what I have 'said' makes sense to you and helps. I am on this board trying to move toward healthy, happy living too. I'm new and I'm still learning.

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 Post subject: Re: running late
PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 11:08 am 
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I have to agree with Harmonium about the 5 steps working better after the fact at least for me and probably for most of us when we are learning to use them.
I know that with practice the ability to use this tool to intercept a response before it occurs will eventually happen.
Anopther way I have found it (5steps) quite useful is to help me deal with damage controll afterwards.
I can say well I did this and next time I will do "X", What can I do now to correct the situation I have gotten myself into?

I can relate to always being late. I used to be terrible with being late and the accompanying stress. I have gotten better at this using two methods. First I overestimate how long things will take (which I suppose is really more accurate because I always used to underestimate). Second, if I am already going to be late for something I resign myself to the consequences, which are usually less severe than the stress I am putting myself through!

A technique I have heard about that might help you with your daughter is called "visualization".
Find somewhere quiet and visualize the problems you are having with your daughter by setting up an imaginary situation. Imagine it in every detail. Consider what your reactions might be and what you would like for them to be. With repetition this is supposed to help you actually react they way you would like to!

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 Post subject: Re: running late
PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 2:15 pm 
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Great Discription Harmonium!

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 Post subject: Re: running late
PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 10:38 am 
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thanx for the replies. harmoniam - you expressed exactly how i feel re step 5. thankyou for taking the time to help. having just found out about bdp and having to face up to having it, and the consequences that this has had on my family there seems so much to learn as well as having so much to come to terms with.


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 Post subject: Re: running late
PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 11:01 am 
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Happy to help. Being new to BPD is not easy! You can do this. For me, it gets easier knowing that I can do something about it. We are all here to help however we can. Best wishes.

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"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

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