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Stop / HALT
Just stop and breathe for a moment. Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? The HALT feelings are physically-based and only temporary. Remember that!

Tired.

Determine what the problem is
Sure there can be (and usually ARE) more than just *one* problem but even still, write the problem(s) down on a piece of paper.

My mom had a heart attack yesterday. I've been to the hospital twice today. I have an AA get together tonight with my friends and I don't feel like going because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I told one of them because I was supposed to give her a ride today and I couldn't because I was at the hospital.

Come up with THREE possible courses of action
Start with one of your problems and come up with three (and only three - not a hundred, not just one) possible things you could do.

1. I can arrive to the get together late. It's a meeting format, so if I get there late I don't have to talk to anyone about my mom but I still get the benefits of not being alone, which I don't want to be either.

2. I can ditch the get-together and stay at work so I get to think some more.

3. I can go to the get together on time and risk my friend asking how my mom is, which may make me cry.

Figure out which one is best for now
You don't have to make a lifelong commitment right now and if things don't work out quite the way you'd hoped they would, you can work the steps again and again and again - just like everyone else does!

I'm doing number 1. I already create enough drama in my head expecting people to be there for me. The best thing to do is honor my commitments and show up and then leave right after it's over. If someone asks me I'll tell them, but I'll call my friend beforehand and ask her to not tell anyone.

DO IT!
I say that assuming you haven't chosen suicide. Obviously, that's the ultimate final solution (assuming you'd succeed). Nothing will happen to change the situation/problem until you actually DO something, no matter how small. A change in your situation, outlook, etc. requires a change from within yourself. In order for that internal change to have effect on the outside, tangible world, you must take action to implement that change.

I'm not feeling suicidal. I'm just stressed. My sister had a big test today so I've been monitoring my mom's status all day long and running errands for her. I'm afraid if I go to this AA thing I'm going to want a hug and then I'm going to be wanting people to comfort me when it really is none of their business nor is it their responsibility. The only person who can comfort me is me. I was thinking of going surfing but there are no waves because of the onshore winds. I really want to be around people right now so I think I'll just go to the meeting, say hi to a few people and then leave. That way I won't be alone.

Have you ever heard of a pendulum?

I heard this theory referencing the swing of a pendulum on this board, and I think it's accurate. It's the swinging of one extreme to the next, emotion-wise, as part of the recovery process. You know....as in getting angry all the time then during recovery believing that no anger whatsoever is the way to go. Or sometimes at first you can't live without people, then it feels like you have to do everything by yourself? The pendulum is always trying to find it's equilibrium position, it's middle ground, center--actually gravity itself.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mom, Ibcgal. Some things that happen during the course of our lives are universal.....the concern over a parent's health being one of them. It's okay to get a hug or to cry about this. It's okay to need people sometimes.

Of course, it's also okay if you do just feel like being alone, comforting yourself. I'm really happy that you're at a place where that can happen for you, I think it's a good thing.....just.....I just didn't want you to think that one of your options couldn't be leaning on friends for support in times of crisis or that you Had to do this alone......it's okay, you didn't just 'create this drama in your head'.....it hurts and it's okay to feel that.

All my best to you and your family right now.

(((Ibcgal)))

I'm sorry about your Mom. How is she now? I agree with Harmonium that it's okay to get support from others at a time like this. That's what friends are for, aren't they?

It totally is. But I think every situation with my parents reverts me to feeling like a victim and I can't be that because then I'll get resentful when people don't give the attention or caring that I want.

Thanks what you said about the pendulum, Harmonium. Your wisdom astounds me sometimes. I really think that is what I do.

And thank you, wondering, for your concern. I really appreciate it!

Fortunately, no one asked about my mom. Alcoholics are great to get your mind off yourself. They're too busy thinking about themselves to think about you..lol! Which I think is great because I feel like being around people, but in an environment where there is no expectation for me to talk or contribute my feelings. Sometimes it just feels good to be around people that are talking about their own problems. Like at an AA meeting.

One of my friends did give me an opportunity to speak. She said towards the end of the night "does anyone else want to share anything about the topic?" and I shook my head no. Luckily my friend Sherri used that opportunity to talk more about her kids. LOL..

I think I am switching extremes. The thing is I can't afford to let people be there for me. Like right now I'm devastated that no one called to see how I was doing. I know they knew because they all looked at me like I was just diagnosed with cancer. I turned off my phone immediately after I left so that I wouldn't be waiting for someone to call. That's just how I'm wired. So now I'm going to post some flyers around my college campus about the current events in Darfur because, did I mention, I also work for Amnesty International? I just need to do something, anything, to get my mind off of it.

We don't know the status of my mom yet. She's been undergoing several tests to see what the problem is. They think coronary heart disease. But she doesn't know. My sponsor says for me to be of service so that's what I'm doing.

Sorry for the ramble. I'll truly feel better in the morning. I know it. :-)

I feel a little better. I just talked to my mom. I'm getting my car worked on and will see her again when the mechanic is finished. It's been a pretty good day so far. I told my boss who was really cool about letting me spend time with her. My boss is nice like that. That's why I love my job so much. If I tell her I want to take a break to go surfing she'll be like "have fun!"

Anyway..so I know I have a lot of things going for me. I was in a car accident 2 months ago and was super stressed about that because the person who hit me admitted fault on the scene but a few days later told her insurance company that it was my fault. They investigated it and found her to be full of crap and I just received a check for a lot of money yesterday! Now I can get my engine fixed. Yay!

I still don't feel like being around my AA friends so I was thinking of giving this new girl in our group my ticket to this women's banquet that a bunch of us are going to Friday night. There were no tickets left so she was left out. I know it's wrong to want to escape but I just want to go dancing with my other friends instead. So I don't have to talk or feel or worry about how much attention I'm getting. I know it's lame to think like that but I know how I operate and I know that my continuous attempts to detach from them have helped me in the long run, especially because I'm gaining a bigger sense of self. All of this stuff with my mom is making me way more vulnerable to rejection and feeling left out. I need to be environments where I feel safe. Dancing is safe. I go with one friend who I've known forever and we laugh. This AA thing is going to be all serious and I tend to feel left out with this group of people and my sponsor tells me how self centered I am anyway so I may as well let the new girl go. She's only been sober 90 days compared to my 4 years. Despite my stuff with my mom, I am way more stable than she is.

I don't know. It's just a thought.

Why is it 'wrong' for you to want to go have fun with your friends? I don't consider that to be avoidance, not really, unless of course you choose to pick up a drink while you are dancing. Having a good time with friends (like dancing) sounds like a fantastic coping element to me!

Taking a break from all these heavy emotions you must be going through might be just what you need.......just be sure when you get home from being out with your friends (the next day or something) come back to those feelings and deal with them. It's all about balance remember? You might find after a night out you have a whole new perspective!

Knowing yourself and what works and doesn't work for you is all part of this recovery-thing. You don't have to be super-strict, never having any fun in order to get healthy. In fact, my version of healthy, happy living just simply has to include time out with friends-- getting out of my head for a bit usually helps me handle whatever needs handling.

Go for it, have a good time, come back and deal and above all--don't drink!

P.S. I'm happy for you about the car thing and that your Mom seems stable atm..... good stuff!

Hi Ibcgal:

I'm glad that you are feeling more optimistic about your Mom. I'm sure it's still stressful, so I hope you can find a way to decompress a bit, as Harmonium and Wondering suggested, by going with your friends, etc..

I was thinking about what you wrote about sharing info. and then having people possible not respond or not respond appropriately, etc.

I've had that issue and I really had to work on jetisoning my expectations about how people will or should (imo anyway) react, and, to this end, work a lot with the radical acceptance concept regarding this.

I also agree with Wondering and Harmonium that family illness is certainly a situ., where it is in no was inappropriate to ask for support.

It sounds like you may have felt shamed for this in the past and may have gotten into the black vs. white paradigm around when it's ok to seek support and when it's not.

It sounds like you are doing a really good job negotiating through all of this and using the tools to their best benefit. Good going!

:0

There is nothing wrong with having fun with friends I am grateful that you reminded of that, Harmonium :-) I need to be reminded constantly..lol.

I actually ended up going to both (the AA event and dancing) and I guess both turned out differently than I thought. The AA thing was not as bad as I thought it was. It was actually okay and the new girl I wanted to give my ticket to decided to sign up for an extra shift at work and I didn't want to seem like an a@## and not show up, since a friend of mine bought my ticket and was cool with me paying it off a little at a time (even though it wasn't that expensive..lol). So I think I actually handled the event pretty well. When I felt uncomfortable I would step out and call other friends to divert my attention from the nervousness I felt in the large crowd. I talked on the phone to these friends about nothing in particular...mostly just to remember that I am not my anxiety and that I have social skills and friends, even if I felt really insecure at this big function. So it worked and my AA friends know how I get so they were cool if I needed to get some air and do my thing. I only did this twice for about a few minutes and I was able to return and have a good time.

So after I decided to go dancing. And I was really looking forward to hanging with my one friend, who unknowingly, invited a few other friends. Normally I don't care, but with all this stuff with my mom, I wasn't feeling like I was in the most festive mood. When I am in a larger crowd I definately have to be more outgoing and I didn't feel like being that way last night. So it was hard. I got to my friend's house and her two other friends walk out with alcohol in party cups and I'm already feeling down, so that just added to it. We all met up at this club and the music was really bad..definately nothing danceable. I was also really tired at this point, so I told my friend that I wanted to leave because of all the stuff going on with my mom and that I wasn't in the right mind set to be around alcohol. (I knew this because I was rationalizing in my mind ways to drink and get a ride home. I was making a plan and that scared me) Usually I care too much about what my friend thinks to leave and then I feel bad because I feel like I'm ruining the evening, but she had two other friends with her, so it was fine. And I was at that level of upset where I knew that if I didn't get out of there, I was going to order some shots of whatever so I could get some relief.

Today I went to a morning meeting and then went to a birthday party and then played tennis with a friend. I usually go dancing tonight but I am just having a good time playing the piano and taking care of myself. I have these "breakdowns" every couple of months because I don't talk about stuff. I hold it in, saying that it will go away when I do it, and then I break down crying (usually to my fiance) and usually the next day I spend the whole day taking care of myself. Usually relaxing at home and not taking calls. It's sad that it comes to that. I need to do that on a regular basis so I don't get to a point where I get so detached from myself that I break down in some way.

You know I'm so scared of being alone, but the actual being alone is not so scary. My fiance is at a wedding tonight (I was invited but chose not to go because I don't feel comfortable around him when he drinks) and I have been practicing some new pieces on the piano and tomorrow I'm meeting an old friend for breakfast. You know..I'm okay.

Anyway..sorry for the ramble.



I did. I talked to my fiance for a while last night. He is so great. He just listened to me. He admonished me for doing too much volunteer stuff and said that I needed to take time for myself, but in a loving way. It was nice to be able to get some of that stuff out. Then this morning I talked to my sponsor, who surprisingly was really supportive and said the same thing my fiance did. She also said that we need to look at our faults with a calm and rational perspective and not in a way that we beat ourselves up for it. Then I hung out with another friend (we play tennis together from time to time) and I was able to talk to her about it, too.

By the time I got home, I felt a little more centered. I've still been visiting my mom and she's doing much better. Due to leave Monday. She said that she was blessed to have such good daughters (me and my sis) and that she was really proud of me for being there for her. If you know anything about my relationship with my mom...that is an extremely rare statement coming from her.

Hopefully this is a wake up for her to stop drinking, because they also found a number of other things wrong with her due to her alcoholism, but at the moment she is in the clear and that's all I care about.



That is so true, Harmonium! When I'm out of my head, I'm usually able to calm down more and get a more realistic perspective on things.



Thanks, Candle! I need to remember that. Radical acceptance is usually the key to serenity. I appreciate you reminding me!



Thanks..yeah..I think I believe that intellectually, but now I just have to believe that emotionally so I actually do it..LOL.



Definately. I was in a cult for about 5 years and I feel that it has really hindered my abilities to ask for help and have boundaries with people. I often go to extremes, like a pendulum. And like my therapist and everyone here on the board tells me, I really need balance.

Thanks again, ladies. I really appreciate it. :-)

I think you have done a great job handling all this, Ibcgal! Thanks for posting how it went. I know you still have things you wish to work on, but looking back to when I first met you-- wow! I'm really happy for you!