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the Church is so accepting.
solution 3

call the church and apologize for the inconvenience.
they asked if I changed my mind... 'yes i say' ....
so i can finally be baptized.

and I can change my thinking processes here. hopefully.
i pray i can.

Love,
ellisen.

Hi Ellisen:

I wrote a reply to your other post.

Ellisen. I'm so glad that the church was accepting of your desire to get baptised and be a part of their community. I also want to give you lots of credit for calling and apologizing - Good Work! It probably was not easy but you did it. I think this means you may be more connected to them than you previously thought, even in spite of your case of BPD "nerves."
Oh, how many times I have been in exactly the same situation. Sometimes I was able to stay in control enough to not alienate others, just be an annoying twit. :-) Unfortunately there have been times I went over the top and lost friendships and even church affiliations. Just saying that you are not alone in acting out a bit under pressure, and congrats for stepping up.

So glad for you.

Hi Candle and Medusa,
thank you for your writes in. I still feel the Church does not accept me. we went for ice cream last night after my baptism. (they go every week after Church) I did not want to go... really, yet I went. I never know what to say about anything, and felt so out of place, awkward, and with a lack of confidence, still. .... I wish I could share more. I don't understand. I feel like ....

it shouldn't feel so important that others accept me or not....
what should matter is if "I accept me" yet I just don't. How can I learn and grow to accept me? it's like I judge and self critique everything I say and do, my actions, everything, over and over and over again, and than I imagine what others must think of those actions and words... does anyone else do this? How can I overcome this thinking? I wish to become free and become me again.


just wanted to reply.... I feel sad today again.
what is a step in the right direction? for today ?????
ellisen

I can certainly identify with those feelings.

For me, it takes actively not comparing my insides to other people's outsides (I forgot who said that first, but I learned it here). We don't really know the problem's of others, especially acquaintances. We only know what people put on the outside.....whereas with ourselves, we know all our dirty little (inside) secrets. It's an unfair comparison.

A big part of all this was figuring out who I really was, as well as who I wanted to be. Finding the Authentic Self. Ash recently posted a link to the tool section called the 'Genuine Self'......why don't you read over that and see what you think?

P.S. it might help you to take the work 'should' out of your vocabulary. There really are no 'shoulds'. I find that when I eliminate this one word, I'm forced to think about things in a different, more helpful manner. See the 10 forms of twisted thinking and especially the ways to untwist over in the tool box-- this stuff helps!

thank you Harmonium,
I just read and pasted "the ten forms of twisted thinking" and " the genuine self" in my borderline notebook on my computer. Taking the word 'should' out of my vocab. is a brand new thought for the day! thank you!
Now, as for the "genuine self" that is a biggie. I almost wanted to use the word "should" again in this post -- yet, how do I say this? I sometimes feel I am too fragile around others, ... I don't know what to share. It seems I either reach my genuine self... or learn to wear a masque. does this make any sense at all? I feel entirely ignorant. I have an appointment with a psych. next mon. to work out a $ ~ on a slide scale. don't know if it will work out. I shared with him that I want to work on 'self esteem' self confidence ... I shared with him "I don't want to become a loner" -- sometimes I just hide in my apartment, inside thoughts of shame and fear, even though I am 39, healthy physically, and fairly attractive, I feel so much shame and guilt from my past, and so much fear I cannot express. next month I can get one book from this site... what book do you recommend to begin with for my recovery? I feel overwhelmed.


PS: my baptism was beautiful last night. It was personal. Though I still feel the Church (people) don't accept me... that is just me... they are human too and I am human. We are all just a big batch of humanity. My baptism was personal and beautiful. This issue is entirely different with my self confidence and thoughts. I am happy to be here and grateful to find these tools and people like you who can offer valuable insights. smiles. thank you for being here. smiles.

Today my goal is go for a leisurely walk, and get outdoorsy and do my best to place my thoughts aside.

Yes, you make perfect sense to me. And you are not 'ignorant'--all of this is new to us at first as in order to get to this place in our lives, maladaptive coping is the norm. We are trying to learn better coping skills and at first it's all new and a little scary. This is a biggie-- give yourself credit for just wanting to tackle this one!

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Can you try just one conversation per day where you say exactly how you feel (impeccable with one's word, part of the 4 agreements)? It could even be a conversation with yourself in the mirror--you don't have to go totally outside your comfort zone just yet.

This stuff takes time, it doesn't happen overnight. I would suggest you could begin by making lists (I make quite a few lists, lol). Make a list of all the attributes you currently see inside yourself, traits that you posses (good or bad, but try to focus on the positive). Then make a list of traits you admire in others, that you wish you had. It's a beginning and can get you thinking about who you want to be. Next, you will have to find a way to get there, but baby steps at first. Just try to figure out who you want to be. If you like, you can post your lists and we will try to help you come up with ways to get to the 'wish' side of things.


That shame and guilt over whatever has happened in your past is just that--the past. It's not important what we have done or did not do, IMO. What matters is what we Choose to do in the NOW. Living in the moment really helps with all this for me. It's kinda like I allow myself to forgive myself for any past actions and I choose to make different choices in the now. You are already doing part of that, making good choices like seeing a T and being here in the now. Congrats--don't forget to encourage yourself by celebrating even small positive steps!

I would suggest Ash's book-- Putting the Pieces Together. She is a recovered BPD, it might really help. Another good one is Feeling the Fear and Doing it Anyway-- a good book to overcome those scary feelings. There is a book list on the home page of this site that suggests many, many good books.

I'm really glad for you that you enjoyed the baptism. That feeling that the others in the Church don't accept you? Isn't that assuming an awful lot? I mean, they did support you in getting baptized......it seems reality is not really matching up with this thought, what do you think?

I love the idea of you going for a walk today. Getting out is important because I find that if I close myself off, it becomes even harder to break the cycle. Don't worry, you are doing a great job so far!!

hi Harmonium,
in thoughts right now... thank you harmonium. I feel currently this moment very happy and joyous that I was baptized last night. It was so beautiful. Yes, you are right, that is "assuming" a lot.