I'm tired of constant conflict in my life. my kids are always caught between my ex and i and i have tried everything i know to stop it.....on my behalf. i try to take responsibility for my part of the problem but it still continues and i think i have to be able to separate what is mine and what is my ex's and his new wife's and then figure out what is my son's / daughter's....and that is sooooooo hard!!!!!
my son is 14...15 soon. my daughter is 11 almost 12........
my ex is vindictive......he has suffered from my anger, etc..... but in the past. i've asked for forgiveness....i've told him of my diagnosis....i've asked him to understand that i couldn't live with him because he intentionally pushes all of my triggers and i'm not strong enough to maintain a sense of sanity when he does that to me......and my problem is that he's still doing it....but now that my son is living with him he's gotten my son to call me crazy, a bully, a bitch, etc....just because i ask him to show me where his friends live and asked him to put away his iphone so we could visit.
last sunday when i went to the house to p/u my daughter (she lives with me) i asked to take my son out for ice cream so i could talk to him about his failing grade in math and quitting track.....midseason......and i was told i couldn't take him anywhere...i had to sit in the driveway with him.
i need to say....there is no reason for their intervention...i'm not abusive and i love my kids very much. my ex. is mad at me because he tried to sue me and i won the case......etc....(adult stuff that really doesn't concern the kids)....but when he doesn't get his way he will use anything and everything he can against me...including our kids.
i'm sad because my daughter is at his house this weekend and she had really mixed emotions about going. i reminded her that mostly she enjoys herself and that she had to go....so she's there.......but a part of me is scared that he'll do something to her if she doesn't just agree with him when he starts to berate me with his wife in front of her. She tells me that all 3 talk about me and laugh and she's really uncomfortable about that......so she tells them she's uncomfortable.....but then her dad (my ex) will withhold affection from her and so she's bored and sad.
honestly i feel like this part of my life is hell. my ex isn't consistently bad enough to take action against him but i can never relax and just focus on my kids needs because there is such unnecessary conflict between all of us.
sometimes i just want to completely abandon my son and just not keep trying to relate with him. I think that if I withdraw the conflict will go away.......but another part of me knows my ex well enough to know that he'll find conflict elsewhere and the kids won't be any better off. my daughter actually really needs me......so i'd never leave her.
but this conflict with my son (and ex) is so deep and so upsetting for me it infiltrates all parts of my life and i get impatient. it ends up hurting my job because i'm impatient with colleagues....especially when there is conflict.
i'm sorry i've gone on so long. a part of me thinks i should just delete this and use the process of writing it as therapy.....except this is the hell i live in a cyclical manner and i haven't known how to deal with it for years.......and i've never been able to find anyone who can help.
maybe someone here understands. maybe not. i'm feeling like i'm just really weird and even on this site i can't relate to anyone.
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