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 Post subject: Lonliness
PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 11:55 am 
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I have terrible issues with feeling Lonely. I hate it and when I begin to feel lonely it's kind of like I want to jump out of my skin it's that uncomfortable for me. I'm not sure why I get like this and it doesn't happen all of the time, in fact sometimes I am happy for time to myself with out my children. Today though is very difficult for me, I am feeling very lonely and I think there is some fear mixed in with it.. I just don't understand why I feel this way and why I don't feel like this all the time.

Do any of you feel this way at times?

Thanks,
Jules


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 Post subject: Re: Lonliness
PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 2:01 pm 
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Jules,

I have felt that way before....and it really sucks!! Maybe just knowing that you aren't alone...I'm here on the board....reading your post.....and trying to reach out to you.

I know my cats and dog help me feel less lonely......so does just doing one of my hobbies.....cooking especially helps me feel less lonely because then I have food to share.......it usually gets me out of myself. Another thing i do is listen to NPR and get consumed with something on the news....it usually draws me out of myself.

well....I'm here and I"ll be around most of the evening. Write back if you want to "chat" more.

s.o.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonliness
PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 2:45 pm 
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Quote:
I know my cats and dog help me feel less lonely......so does just doing one of my hobbies.....cooking especially helps me feel less lonely because then I have food to share.......it usually gets me out of myself. Another thing i do is listen to NPR and get consumed with something on the news....it usually draws me out of myself.


Skiotter, you and I are a lot alike-- I do the same things, lol! NPR is a biggie for me. :biggrin

Jules,

I think everyone feels lonely at times! It's difficult, especially when there is fear mixed in. I use the Verticle Arrow technique when that fear is the basis for my loneliness, it usually helps.

I don't know why we feel like this sometimes and other times differently-- I'm not convinced it even matters all that much why. I think we just have to flow with it as it comes-- cope. One of the best ways I have found to cope, other than mindfulness and mediation, is to get active-- to do some sort of activity, any activity to keep me busy. You can go for a walk or clean the house or go to a coffee shop-- it doesn't matter, it's something other than sitting around ruminating on why you do or don't feel lonely and what to do about it. It keeps me outta my head.

The tool on the left called the 5 steps is a great problem solver. Maybe give it a try?

I've have to go away for the night, so I won't be back on-line today. But I wanted you to know you are definitely not alone or unusual for feeling like this. I hope it passes quickly for you-- I'll check back in tomorrow! :biggrin

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Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: Lonliness
PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 9:48 pm 
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Hey Jules....just wondering how you're doing!

H: I like you!!


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 Post subject: Re: Lonliness
PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2009 7:40 am 
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Hi here and thank you for your post. I am doing ok, I was really having a rough go of it yesterday and I think some of it has to do with PMS. I really feel crazy the week before my period. I did go for a drive last night and visited with friends so that helped but I hate it that I get this feeling of loneliness and then it consumes me. I think part of it has something to do with the fact that I don't feel like people want to be around me, which is totally not the case, but in my mind there's a negative person saying all manner of negative things. I am typically a positive person on the outside but in my head I struggle with negative thoughts and stinkin thinkin. It's really not easy for me to shut that off so I just roll with it until it passes... Wow, this kind of sounds scary when I went back and read it... It's not like I have voices in my head that I can hear it's just a negative thought process that I think is burned into my psyche from very early on... Anyway, thanks for asking and I'm feeling a bit better today. Hope all of you are doing well... Do any of you have these negative thought patterns that you deal with and how do you handle it.

Jules


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 Post subject: Re: Lonliness
PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2009 12:36 pm 
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Hi Jules,

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better today. I also deal with a change in mood the week before my period. Then, about an hour before it starts I begin to feel a lot better. So I know it has to do with hormones.

In the last year I've doubled my ssri dosage and that has helped me not feel the hormonal pull towards grouchiness as much. But what has helped the most has been decreasing the stress in my life. I notice that when I'm not stressed i can handle my mood change better so that it isn't as noticeable to others. Unfortunately I still have it.......but fortunately I can manage it.

I think it is helpful to remember that the mood must not be allowed to control your thinking. You are still the same person....and the people who loved you before love you still. It is just that you FEEL different. I could also say it like "it is just that YOU feel different"....because in the end it is about you and not about anyone else.

So if you can do your best to remind yourself that your feelings might not be trustworthy for that week.....and you just keep living as you had the other 3 weeks.......then at least your actions will be in line and others won't be confused by you.

However, (this is a strategy I've adopted)....if your feelings don't change after the cycle begins......then there may be some validity to them. I'd journal everything at that time and follow your thoughts/feelings for a month or so. Finally if the feelings remain the same.....then they need to be looked at deeper....

Does that make any sense?


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 Post subject: Re: Lonliness
PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2009 4:01 pm 
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Hi Jules,

Sounds like you've been havin a tough time. I noticed that you didn't try to apply the 5 Steps to your troubles, considering you've posted this on the 5 Steps forum. I'm not sure how familiar you are with the steps, but I find them to be very helpful in dealing with negative thought process, which you asked about. I often become overwhelmed with loneliness too, and the Steps can really help me find solutions rather than just problems.

So I thought I might give you an example of how I may apply the Steps to a similar situation to the one you've recently been in:

1. HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired?
Yeah I'm really lonely. I also have PMT which tends to magnify my feelings. I need to keep that in mind.

2. What's the problem?
I feel overwhelmed with loneliness, and believe that no-one wants to have anything to do with me, even though I know that's not true! I don't want to feel this way and am becoming quite frantic as a result. I want to calm down and feel better about myself, and not so damned lonely.

3. Three courses of action:
3.1 I could take a long drive and try to focus on my driving to allow my mind a breather for a while. Perhaps if I take my mind off things I will find a different perspective.

3.2 I could sit down for five minutes to do some breathing and calming exercises. Then when I feel a little calmer I could take myself out for a jog/walk/swim to get some exercise as exercise always has a way of centering, even if it's just a little bit.

3.3 I could call all of my friends and ask them if they love me or if they really don't want to see me. Now if I do this, some of them may get annoyed that I'm being so needy, especially when just last week my closest friend was really sweet to me, which shows she definitely loves me. Also, when I've done stuff like this before, later, when the mood has passed, I feel embarrassed that overreacted.

4. Choose one course of action.
It's too late to go for a run or a swim, and I think I'd regret calling all of my friends, so I think I'll choose number 1.

5. Do it.

So I did number 1 and felt a lot better when I got home. But when I got home it all started to bubble up again, all the negative thoughts. It's getting a bit out of control again so maybe I should do the 5 Steps again?


___________________________________

You probably went through some kind of process deciding what to do when you went for a drive. When I become quite overwhelmed like this, I find that the hardest thing is focusing for long enough to decide on a course of action. I go around and around in circles with the war going on in my mind. The 5 Steps just force me to make a considered decision and actually be constructive about my situation. There've been times when I've had to do these steps 4 times in an evening, bc as soon as I've finished it begins again.

Anyway, don't mean to sound like a preacher, but these tools really are helpful in times of severe distress.

Glad you're feeling a bit better.

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~ Sarah


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 Post subject: Re: Lonliness
PostPosted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 3:50 pm 
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I have been dealing with loneliness for a while myself- or not dealing with it by going out to the casino- which just leaves me feeling more empty than before. I am just starting to use the 5 steps as a regular part of my life, whenever I notice ( which I am getting better at..) that I am "unsettled". They really work.

My loneliness pops up when my son is at my ex's house- which is half the time, so pretty often. And I also feel like I have been alone my whole life in some ways, which is why my recent break-up with my SO has been a loneliness triggger for sure. The reality is that I Do have people in my life that love me and would do anything for me. And they also have lives, partners, families, so it is not like I have a "wing man"- like back in the old days when all my friends were single, and I could easily find someone to hang out with.

For me, after moving all the time, and always being the "new kid" and also not fitting in because my mother did not take care of my brother and I , so we were always those unwashed kids in the mis-matched clothes, lonliness has come to mean "loser". I am working on this currently, reparenting myself mentally- which I can do at my mindless job. I am trying to untangle all that old "stuff" that tells me that I am "stupid", "no good", etc, etc- I don't even remember where I picked it all up specifically, but I know that it is stuff like that that messed me up in the relationship I just ended- so many triggers to me feeling like I was being attacked when I was not- or reacting to the extreme when maybe I actually Was being insulted, which is what happened during our last fight. She really Was being insulting towards me, and I became extremely angry, because I needed her to always "like me", no matter what- that realization was what made me realize I needed to not have my emotional stability linked to another person anymore, and so I ended what was a pretty awful relationship over something very small that was actually Big.

So, in short-LOL- I believe lonliness for me, has to do with needing the approval of someone outside of me, instead of being happy with who I am- or even Knowing who I am! So, that is what I am working on- figuring out who I am , and giving myself the unconditional support and love that I did not get as a child- while trying to do the same for my son so that he can have a better chance at happiness than i did.

Thank You, and God Bless

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As Gloria Gaynor sez "I will survive" and no longer choose a name like sadgirl66, I am becoming happyhealinggirl66.


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