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Its frustrating... I am starting again... I lost my post.

I am hoping/thinking that using the 5 steps for crisis management might help get me into a different track. I have relapsed and hoping that if I can come up with something concrete to move me in a different direction, I will not have to spiral totally out of control. So this is my plan.

1. Stop HALT
Hungry - No, not currently. I need to eat regularly though.
Angry - Not consciously. I woke up angry, having had an argument with someone in my dream and having seen some big explosion. I can not consciously tap into my anger though.
Lonley - Yes, I have contacted my best friend and let her know for the first time the severity of my crisis. I need though to figure out other ways/people to stay connected with.
Tired - A bit - but do not want to give into laying down to sleep as I'd feel sucked in and would want to sleep all day.

2. Determine what the problem is
I realized while writing my first post that I am really dealing with managing a depression. It is not that apparent to others although it is increasingly challenging my ability to function.

3. Come up with 3 possible courses of action
a. Keep HALT in check.
b. Talk with the pdoc on Friday.
c. Daily check-in with someone (place optional)
1. Best Friend
2. Online Forum
3. Crisis Hotline
d. Work. - Try to get some work done. I know that if I can finish some contracts, I
actually feel better. I feel productive and of value.

4. Figure out which is the best for now.
I will need to work on all of these simultaneously (with the exception of my pdoc
appt. on Friday). It works in that I am not demanding a lot of myself, but ensuring the
basics and that I stay connected. I need to remind myself that no matter what, I need to
check-in somewhere, regardless of whether I relapse again or not. I can be doing well or
not be doing so well and I will still need to check-in.

5. Do it!
I will start as soon as I post this.

How are you getting on with your courses of action? I guess your pdoc appt is today, so I hope that goes well.

I really liked this:


I had never thought of it like that before and I found that reminder really helpful for myself, so thank you!

I think you did a great job of finding small and manageable ways to help yourself. I believe the general idea with the five steps is to come up with three different courses of action and choose only one, but hey, whatever works for you!

Lirael

Hi Lirael,
Thanks a lot for your reply. I still have my courses of action in motion, though its been a real struggle. Particularly with the contacting people part. I realized in Tx yesterday, the importance of my needing to feel connected & that someone has heard me - not just the act of reaching out. It has been more than the act of reaching out but also the piece of feeling heard. This is a really hard one for me.

Thanks for pointing out choosing one action and working on it... I was actually aware of that but thought that I needed to put the 3 in motion in order for me to function.

Yes, I did have the pdoc appt. today. It did not go well although he was able to provide me with a prescription for an anti-depressant.

I am really struggling here. Trying earnestly to keep my head above water. I will keep to this list/plan as I've recognized in the past that repetition has a way of allowing things to sink in and enabling subtle changes. Simply being conscious of trying to follow my plan of action has been helpful too.

Again, thanks for your reply/support. I've really appreciated it.

Hi Amharra,

how's it going?

If you're having trouble contacting people - post on here - we're all in this together and I've found it to be really helpful when I haven't wanted to load on other people to get on here and just ask for a bit of support.

You'll get through this but if you've only just started on anti-depressants that action plan of yours is going to be really important for the next 4 weeks. BTW it's a great sign that you've taken charge of the situation - that show's you've got a bit of fight in you! Nice one

You're going to get through this.

Be well

Paul.

Thank you Paul,
I can't tell you how much I appreciated your reply. I cried when I read it. I think its reflective of the head space that I am in.

I need to revise the reaching out steps.
I had as options, contact:1. my best friend, 2. this online forum and 3. the crisis hotline as options.
When I went to tx on Thursday, I felt really slammed by my T for talking about the support that I have received from my best friend. She said that the dynamic was enabling. I felt really badly and recognize that it has me stuck. I feel my best friend is the ONLY real life person that knows that I exist and am in serious crisis. So at this point to name the dynamic as enabling, doesnt serve a point if I have no one else. I did not know what to do, so I have been not talking to my best friend as much and as a result have been sleeping.
I called the crisis line last night & realize that because I sound so high functioning I am unable to convey the depth of my distress... also over the last couple of weeks I have called this crisis line about 4 times... somehow I feel I am getting labeled and being put on the back burner. Maybe I need to call a different crisis line.

I feel REALLY badly. My h is not a person that I have on my list as people to contact. He does not know how to respond to me in a way that is helpful. He essentially does not know what to do so he leaves (which is fine). What has just happened though is on Thursday I threw out a bottle of agricultural herbicide. I knew that I was not safe with having it in my home & I could not tell him that so I took it upon myself to throw it out before my tx appt. Within the last 1/2 hour H came home and saw that it was missing and asked if I knew anything about it. I lied to H (this actually happened yesterday & he followed up with it today with me after asking another person if they took it). I don't EVER remember lying to my H before. I can not tell him that I am that unsafe with myself at that level. So I feel REALLY badly as H now feels that someone has come and stolen the herbicide. I don't know what to do about that... I will have to let it go for now.

I have been able to add my sister to my support list so this is good. I am on shakey ground. T talked about going to the hospital on Thursday, but honestly, I don't know what that would mean. It frightens me. I have never gone to the hospital before & I am in a foreign country. I think if I can continue to stick with my list and adapt it (particularly in the contact people part) then maybe I will be okay.

Thanks again for your support and being here. I will now work on moving onto my 'work' goal.

Amharra,

there's a lot in that last post of yours, but I particularly relate to the effect being high-functioning has on the medical profession and any other helping organisation. So it might help to relate one of these experiences.

I'll stay clear of a depression anecdote, but about 3 years ago I had an accident while out trail running that resulted in an extremely bad case of sciatica - if you haven't had it it's akin to having red hot pokers shoved into a butt cheek and moved around by malevolent pixies. There is no respite from it day or night, no matter what you do. Walking, sitting, lying, it is as if someone has poured lava down the lower half of one side of your body. Physical pain the like of which I have not known, I think you get the picture.

So I go to the doctor, and, like any good god-fearing Irish man, I describe the excrutiating agony that I am in, all the while maintaining what is known in the UK as 'the Dunkirk Spirit' or more commonly a stiff upper lip. After this description of my pain, the GP closes the appointment by suggesting I take Ibuprofen and rest.

I think 'Ibuprofen and rest???? What the fuck does he think I've been doing for the past few days?!?!?'

I say 'Thank you Doctor' and leave I cry on the way home. This is my experience of the impact of being high functioning.

When I get home I reflect on this experience and resolve to return to the GP, but this time I realise that it's more important to express, rather than just describe my pain to the idiots in the medical profession. The next day I see the GP. This time I let the pain out. If those bastards want to see pain, then see it they will - I cry, I sob, and I beg for help, there's snot dripping off my nose and onto the floor - I'm a mess.

The GP gives me valium and codeine and can't prescribe stuff fast enough. I leave the surgery and this time I do not cry on the way home. This time, through the pain, I smile and feel better.

The lesson I learned - my upbringing had inhibited my ability to get suitable help, but I was able to 'act' like someone who was not afraid of displaying emotion and this ended in the help that I needed. Oh yeah, and most people do not realise that it's the quiet ones you need to be most concerned about, so that being the case I became one of the loud ones. It's a pain in the ass but that seems to be the way it is.

If you've got an additional help, in your sister, that's cool. BTW high functioning is a sign of strength - it does not feel like it because people respond to the high functioning part of you when you really only want them to reach out and hold / help you - and then it feels like you are on your own with your problems. I know that feeling only too well - but you're not alone. There are others of us out there and if you keep doing what you're doing you will get through this.

Remember though, you can also choose to become one of the 'loud ones' and people will respond to you, however that, as your T suggests, may involve a trip to the hospital. I don't know where your head is right now but I'd play that card only when all other avenues were closed.

Take care of yourself,

Paul

Thank you again for your reply Paul.
Wow, sorry to hear about your bad case of sciatica. Your point was well made though. I think that this has been a challenge for me. Talking about vs. expressing. Just the other day I had a meeting with my T and my pdoc & my T said to my pdoc that I do an incredible job of masking. I think under ordinary circumstances that would be a compliment, but given that I have been in a really tight place, its been to my detriment. I believe its been one of those survival skills that has outrun its use and its now time to learn something new.

I am learning that in working these five steps, given that I am working them for a period of time vs. a one time thing, its good for me to be able to be flexible. I have been able to adjust my contact list and I realized today that I can add other things on my list as needed.

Doing the things on the list are the basics... the weekend was not so great... slept a lot, but today I was able to do more than what I have listed on my list. I realize though that the list is a simple guidepost. It reminds me of things to work towards... I like keeping it simple because I feel if I were to add more, I'd feel overwhelmed. It's good.

Hi Amharra,

yeah sciatica is not the nicest pain in the world, but I haven't been visited by those particular malevolent pixies for some time now (touch wood).

I like the idea of keeping it simple - I should really try that out myself (thanks for the tip!). Hope things continue to improve for you, I say that because I see you've already noticed that some days are better than others.

Oh yeah, and BTW each day you can get through takes you closer to realising some of the benefits that the SSRI's can bring in helping to break the chain of negative thinking - it certainly worked for my partner who has been able to engage a lot more positively in therapy and has had the courage to challenge her mother just recently for some of the abuses that she was subjected to as a young adult. Long story short, that small light at the end of the tunnel should get a tiny bit brighter every day.

All the best

Paul