BPDRecovery.com: Forums

So hi. My second post. heh. Im going through a terrible time.

Ive been in a relationship for 6 years. We were engaged for 2 years. He suffers from depression and anxiety disorder. I constantly dont trust him, want him to love me, push him away, and so forth. Since he has his problems he cant really deal with all my emotional ups and downs so we broke up.

I feel terrible. I started the fight that lead to this. I just wanted him to stop sleeping so much and to love me more. So I realize I have a problem. I was diagnosed to bpd a few years ago but wrote it off. So I bought some books and have been reading and trying to work on myself for my next relationship.

The breakup happened 3 days ago. Last night he tells me he wants to ask a coworker that he has known for 1 month and only knows her name out on a date. Im feeling more than rejection, like I was lied to, how could you love someone but then want to move on so quickly. I know I just need to stop and think that he must have some problems and that is why he is doing this, and that he really did love me.

Anyways I feel like I dont have friends or family. My family is non existent. My mom suffers from extreme narcissism so I cant talk to her. My dad is busy trying to take care of my mom and himself. I have no friends, because I didnt trust any of them. I want to move out of the place that my ex fiance and I just moved into, but I dont have a job (I applied today to a few when I was feeling happier), dont have a car, dont have anything.

I feel so alone and jealous of everyone who has a great family, friends, life. So I am hoping to get some support here. At least maybe you will understand me. I go from fine one minute to utter breakdown the next.

Hi blackwolf,


Welcome

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time right now. You aren't alone, and you are no less capable than the next person of having a fulfilling life.

Everyone deals differently. Some people withdraw and hide in a cave to ease heartbreak. Some party it up. Others throw themselves in their work, or 'rebound' to cushion the pain. There's 5 million different ways to do it out there, and I'm glad you see it's not a reflection on you or on your relationship.

In regards to that, something I've learned with long-time, stubborn behavior issues, or obsessive thinking, is that I can't 'just stop' - In fact, I find the more I tell myself to just quit it and grow a pair, the more I wind up giving in and clinging to those behaviors, and consequently getting very pissy with myself for not making improvements. Small strides, one step at a time, is a common theme around these parts(I love that saying 'these parts', it makes me feel like I'm in an old western saloon wearing a scandalous ruffly skirt).

Check out the tools on the left. They have been a huge aide for many of us here, and they are part of my everyday routine. Take a look, especially, at the Five Steps. They can really help break down a difficult, overwhelming issue.

And awesome that you're applying for jobs - Just keep throwing those resumes out there. That is a step in the direction you're looking to go. You have a couple roads here - You can say you have nothing, behave as though you have nothing, do nothing, then wonder why in the world you have nothing - Or you can take a baby step towards the direction you'd like to see yourself go(which you're doin!) Be patient with yourself.

I feel you on the trust issue. Again, one of those things for me that I couldn't just say "do it, you weenie" to. Trust has always been, for me, something that is given out minimally and built slowly, with time. I used to try to rush it, wonder why some people can just throw themselves out there, and try to be like them. But I accept that at this point in my life, I am not that way, and do not feel comfortable that way. I can give to a certain degree, to what I feel is a healthy degree for me - Then I just allow it to slowly go at the pace I am comfortable with, not 'shoulds', not unrealistic, but me and my turtle pace, so be it. I also keep in mind that my emotions are fluid and things can change for me down the road.

Looking forward to 'seeing' you around

Hi Blackwolf - I don't have a lot of advice to give but I wanted to let you know I am here and am listening. I think Miyasma gave some great advice. The only thing I can possibly add is to try to stay in the moment and to take it moment by moment. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Be extra gentle with yourself.

(Blackwolf)