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 Post subject: I need Ideas
PostPosted: Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:50 pm 
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Ok so I was recently diagnosed BPD. Shortly after trying to get into therapy and medications my long term girlfriend decided that I was no longer worth her time. It all sparked because I found out she had been lying, cheating and using illicit drugs. I confronted her calmly even though I am still not sure how I pulled that one off. But after the confrontation I told her I was willing to forgive and accept her if she would quit using drugs and stop seeing other men sexually. Of course she led me on for a bit (about 30 minutes) asking me questions and giving me hope. Then abruptly she stood up and told me she couldn't do it anymore. She walked out and I went into severe symptoms. Finally I think that I have that mostly under control with the meds and family support. What really did the trick was meeting the therapist for the second time and her scheduling a few appointments for me in the near future. I felt so relieved and relaxed after that. Today I was put on xanex and Prozac. I am feeling that I have the self harm and anxiety/paranoia under control. But I am still finding myself wanting to call her and beg her back. I know in my mind that any communication will only cause me further emotional harm and distress, but I cannot be alone. I also know that it is not healthy for me to go looking for a new relationship but I cannot stop those thoughts either. To top everything off I lost my job this week and now I am under severe financial strain. I am out looking for work, but that is very difficult to do and I am not sure what kind of job I can get that is going to be low impact and stress. Any ideas, suggestions or tools are needed here. I am hoping someone will come on and support me mostly, but I need some practical ideas as well. Thanks so much for reading.

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 Post subject: Re: I need Ideas
PostPosted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 6:59 am 
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Hi Tadslife,

I've moved your topic (and shortened the name!) to the 5 Steps. Conversation Corner (where you had it) is really more for one-on-one convo/ conflict resolution, so my thinking is you will get more responses here. Also, I left out your trigger warning because they aren't necessary on this board. We are all responsible for ourselves and our own reactions to things. If any of that is not okay, please let me know here or in PM and I'll see what I can do.

I thought the 5 steps would be a good forum for your situation because it's a way to find solutions to a specific problem. From what I can tell by your post, it seems that you have maybe more than one specific problem, so maybe working the 5 steps on each separately will help. I'll try get you started (feel free to change my 3 things if you don't like them). I find that the last step-- Just Do It!-- is the most difficult and the most important for me.

Stop / HALT
Just stop and breathe for a moment. Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? The HALT feelings are physically-based and only temporary. Remember that!
I don't know if any of this applies to you right now, but I do know that for me, especially if I'm tired, my emotions get skewed and everything just seems more difficult to do.
Determine what the problem is
Sure there can be (and usually ARE) more than just *one* problem but even still, write the problem(s) down on a piece of paper.
Okay, so from your post I'm hearing that one of your issues is that you need to find a job with little stress. I know the other is about the recent break-up, but I'll let you work the 5 steps on that. The way I see it, if you focus on the job, the personal life will be less paramount or at least job searching can be a way to distract yourself until some of the really heady emotions have some time to just be. So, problem #1-- find a low-stress job, which I would further break down into "what kind of job would be low stress to me?" kinda question to ask myself.
Come up with THREE possible courses of action
Start with one of your problems and come up with three (and only three - not a hundred, not just one) possible things you could do.
Figure out which one is best for now

1. go to a temp agency and try out different occupations. No strings and I would be working so I'd have a paycheck and not so much free time to think about my ex.
2. I could wallow all day not really looking for a job but hoping a good one comes my way. Not all that productive, but it's all I have the emotional reserves for atm.
3. Get my resume together and spend at least 5 hours every weekday actively searching. Go for any and all jobs-- the important thing is a paycheck.
You don't have to make a lifelong commitment right now and if things don't work out quite the way you'd hoped they would, you can work the steps again and again and again - just like everyone else does!
DO IT!
I say that assuming you haven't chosen suicide. Obviously, that's the ultimate final solution (assuming you'd succeed). Nothing will happen to change the situation/problem until you actually DO something, no matter how small. A change in your situation, outlook, etc. requires a change from within yourself. In order for that internal change to have effect on the outside, tangible world, you must take action to implement that change.
The choice is up to you. I'm just trying to give you an idea of how the 5 steps work. I hope they can help your situation......I know they have really helped me when I've been in a similar bind. Oh, and looking into the Twisted thinking tools while I work the 5 steps is a great idea too.

One last thing......please try to remember that emotions are temporary. I know all of this is really tough right now, but you will get through it. The question is how.

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"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: I need Ideas
PostPosted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:44 pm 
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hi there, i just wanted to say thank you for posting and that although i don't have any magnificent suggestions, i do want you to know that i can absolutely identify with your suffering as i just lost my job of 9 years hense also my identity and am currently losing my husband, all due to my mismanaged bpd symptoms. and please believe i already have 2 back up plans secured for when i end things with my husband just right before he is preparing to tell me he officially wants a divorce, though i am trying to challenge myself to not follow through with either one but to instead use the time alone (petrifying, i know) to work on improving myself. anyway, i do want you to explore other options for filling that gaping whole that is causing so much pain. my therapist has been recommending that i further explore spiritual avenues during the times i'm feeling so empty. i happen to be buddhist and my doctor reminds me that when i'm actively engaged in further educating myself and in the practices, i am much more content. also, i would suggest that when the pain feels like it's getting to be too much, that you apply some self soothing techniques. example, i know it LOOKS crazy but something that really helps me during those times is when i get a pillow or blanket or stuffed animal, squeeze it tightly to my body, curl into a sort of ball, and rock back and forth. and i talk to myself while i'm doing this as a good mother would. so things like, 'you're going to be okay', 'everything's going to be alright', or 'you are safe', things like that. and usually after about an hour of doing that i'll finally stop crying and feel like i can face the world again. also, doing that while in an enclosed are(for me it's the space under the bottom shelf of my pantry) can be helpful. i go back and forth on this one, because i do also see it as merely psyching myself out or something, but my therapist tells me that NOBODY can fill the hole i have inside, that i am responsible for healing myself at this stage of the game, and that i can do so by nourturing this frightened child inside. and i believe him. i wish you the very best of luck and please, when you are experiencing an impulsive desire to quickly fix everything by simply adding a new intimate partner, apply the skills you have. distract with something healthy. the urge will go away. it always does. and when that temptation is there i would also encourage you to consider the following: with where you are in your life right now as it relates to your condition, would it be fair to involve somebody in that on an intimate level at this time? or do you feel you have more work to do? consider would it be in the other person's best interest to be involved with me at this time, or am i pursuing them out of selfish perceived needs although i ultimately will end up causing harm to this innocent being? just something to consider, something that helps me at times. best wishes to you! :)


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 Post subject: Re: I need Ideas... UPDATED
PostPosted: Sat Jul 31, 2010 8:08 pm 
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Ok so forst off props to Borderline (That's your username? Awesome) and Harmonium. I really appreciate your posts. I has been a huge help to me today. The reason I didn't reply and say thanks until now is because I screwed up and cut really badly and took way too many xanax (which really helps with the anxiety for me BTW) and sleeping pills. I guess when the cops came out (I sent out a for help text without even realizing it because of the drugs OD) they made me stay in a hospital for the last week or so. I got out yesterday and have been trying to get back in touch with my support systems. Namely this site a HUGE thanks for the replies. I just really appreciate it and can't really express how much it meant to me. So I feel like I'm totally over the relationship thing. Well at least to where I can function. There's still a deep ache and hole in my heart, but I can at least ignore it with minimum amount of effort. I'm not really sure what the five steps was about though. Could you clarify that one? The other things have helped me today immensely. I think having a small enclosed space to rock myself and soothe myself was the best idea I have yet heard and I will be trying that one. Thanks so much.

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 Post subject: Re: I need Ideas
PostPosted: Sun Aug 08, 2010 10:24 am 
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Quote:
I'm not really sure what the five steps was about though. Could you clarify that one?

Sure. You posted about a problem, or problems, and needed i(and asked for) ideas/solutions. Because I'm (and no one here is) not in your shoes, seeing what you see/do/feel, I can't give you actual solutions. But I can show you how to find them for yourself-- that's really what recovery is all about. Learning to cope/solve the problems or situations that you will face in life. The five steps is a way to solve problems. The rest of the tools are too. I really hope that you take some time to read through them and maybe begin to work them.....I really think they will help you prevent things from getting so out of control.

If that doesn't explain things well enough, let me know and I'll try again. :D

On an upside, I'm glad to learn that you are feeling better about your relationship and things seem to be going better over-all. And I agree-- sometimes just giving yourself a hug and self-soothing is the way to go!

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Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: I need Ideas
PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 5:06 pm 
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I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I can only imagine how difficult this must be: losing your girlfriend and job are two of the most time consuming and powerful areas of your life. However, hopefully this is a learning moment that will only make you stronger. I think that one way to ease back into having a foundation where you can pursue stress-related jobs and relationships is through volunteering. Yes, I know you are in a financial strain, but coping with your problems by keeping you busy doing things you love, will keep your spirits uplifted as you move past this difficult time. Hold your head up high!


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