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 Post subject: Pls Help
PostPosted: Sun Aug 01, 2010 1:15 am 
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I'm married for almost 13 years now and my husband just about have it with my BPD. I was only being diagnosed about a week a go. During the 13 years my husband repeatedly told me that there was something wrong with me. I didn't want to believe him and denied it and told him he was the one responsable. At the moment he don't want anything to do whith me. We are living in the same house but he do not speak with me and ignore me. Needless to say i make everytihing worse by trying to make everything wright right now. I can't stop myself and are pestering him for peace and reconciliation. He says peace is possible if I can become someone he can be proud off. I cannot see thet. How can he ever be proud of me. I did so much harm in the past. I struggle to forgive myself.


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 Post subject: Re: Pls Help
PostPosted: Sun Aug 01, 2010 2:59 pm 
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Carlize,

Thanks for sharing with us on this board. I can relate to the feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated, and though I have not experienced anything like what you're going through with your husband, (I'm only 21) I'm sure there are others out there with similar experiences.

I hope that maybe having this diagnosis will help point you in the right direction for making the changes you want to see in your life. That said, it seems like your husband is putting a lot of pressure on you, and you've only recently realized what has been going on with you these past 13 years!

Its really ultimately your husband's decision whether to be proud or not, I'm sure you've met people whom are nearly impossible to please. By focusing on your behaviors that you do not like, you and your husband are both putting you in a really hard spot.

I don't know if you have to forgive yourself for what you've done in the past, but you can accept that it did happen and accept who you are now, even if you'd like it to change. Acceptance (to me) doesn't mean being happy with the situation, but it does mean not beating yourself up about it.
You can't change the past. All you can do is make a commitment to doing your best and continuing to try.

I think you need to let your husband know that while he doesn't have to forgive you for what has happened, it is not acceptable for him to pout indefinitely. He needs to be clear about what specific behaviors he wants to see, and he needs to be able to accept that change does not happen overnight. At the same time, I think it is fair that you make a few requests of him, so that he can support you and make things easier.

If possible, I would bring him into a therapy session with you so that you can discuss what would be an amendable compromise, so that, if true peace cannot be made, at least you can live together as respectful adults.

-Bewilderness

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Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


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 Post subject: Re: Pls Help
PostPosted: Mon Aug 02, 2010 2:46 pm 
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Regardless of him being proud of you, do YOU want to be proud of you?

The best changes will happen when you make the decision to make a better life for yourself. When you work hard at really exploring your choices and making decisions rather than simply reacting in an emotional state.

I know it's only been a week since you got the diagnosis. What have you done since then to move forward? Finding this place is a FANTASTIC first step! Since you got a diagnosis, I take it to mean you're also in therapy - have you committed to continuing in therapy? Have you researched to determine if you're in the "right" kind of therapy / something that will work well for you? Have you looked for any local support groups? Have you gotten any books to read on the subject (bought or borrowed)? Have you joined any other online support groups? Are you developing an in-person 3D support network - family, friends, etc.?

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