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 Post subject: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2011 6:19 pm 
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Problem- feeling beat down and tired -

Feeling like I just do not want to continue with the move stuff -

feeling like I just want things to be stable -

Feeling lonely about it

Wanting to throttle my abusive mother

Ok, have to go back and copy the steps and the go through them.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2011 9:08 pm 
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I can totally relate, at least the "wanting things to be stable" and the "feeling icky about myself" and the "feeling lonely" parts. The problem for me is that "stable" for me can also mean "stuck" in the patterns that leave me feeling "icky" and "lonely." It's not that I want to be stuck, but choosing to let go of the stable/stuck place means also choosing risk -- risk of change, change that can be scary. It's much easier just to stay where I was -- not necessarily happy about myself, but also not panicking about trying new things, even if those new things might eventually lead to feeling less icky and less lonely. Tough decision, no?

Go back over your steps. See if there's something you can break down into smaller parts, so that taking a new step might be less scary and more achievable. And beyond that, be patient with yourself. It's OK to get anxious or feel unsure, etc., from time to time, especially when you're confronting a change; if you need to take a little break, take a deep breath, it's fine, as long as you keep re-evaluating your progress and stay determined to move forward.

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2011 10:08 pm 
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Taking a break from the abusive mother usually helps me. It's so hard to have someone who you instinctively reach out to, yet pushes you away harder than anyone else ever could. Is that an option in your situation?


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 3:18 am 
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surreal,
It sounds to me that you're just TIRED, tired and sick of everything.
Remember you once told me it's okay to rest?
Is there anyway for you to take a break from all that's draining and tiring you out?
Do you think meditation will help you?
I presume you're a christian coz you mentioned going to church. You could try meditating on Psalms 121, 63 or 23. I have found it helpful and extremely calming :) Sorry for this 'unwanted suggestion'.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 8:58 am 
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Sari-

Thanks. I'm sorry you feel icky too.

I personally don't feel stuck- I just came off of a move cross country to get away from an abusive man. I just moved into a flat last night. I have been in hotels and friends couches since december, my bank account is literally at zero, I have no car in a suburb, I have the flu, a broken ankle that won't heal (thanks X boyfriend) and I have my period right now....oh and my FOO is difficult and unhelpful and all my friends are 1000 miles away, and so is my church. My work files were corrupted by my X and I don't know if I can ressurect two years worth of work- I don;t get another check for another 14 days...My IT person in my business is bipolar and she can't work right now which is a BIG PROBLEM, but I can't hire anyone else with no money...

AN- I wish I could take a break from my mother, but I am desperate right now and need financial help because of above. I can ease off for a bit and take a little breather, but not by much...

MM - yeah- I am JUST TIRED - THANK YOU for the suggestions and please stop apologizing for saying things- I WANT your input, that's why I'm on this board having conversations!!!!

big hugs


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 11:48 pm 
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Hmmm... Looks like you have to tolerate your mum for a while, huh?


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 2:05 pm 
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yeah- I do.

and I am having more and more trouble dealing with her. i can see so clearly now why BPDx looked good to me.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 10:52 pm 
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surreal wrote:
can see so clearly now why BPDx looked good to me.

sorry don't really get what you mean. Did you mean you understand why you were formerly diagnosed with bpd?

I'm sorry you're having more and more trouble with your mum. Is there anything you could do about it, or you have no choice but to tolerate her?


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 3:08 pm 
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Hey MM,

i meant, when I deal with my mother, it's easy to see why i would be attracted to repeating the pattern of an impossible relationship with a disordered person AND also why he looked good as a choice to get the hell away from my mother who has more power and control over me - he didn't seem 'that bad" compared to her AND I KNOW that devil, so to speak, so I could 'handle it".


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 3:11 pm 
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Right now, like LIZ, I have to tolerate her because, like Liz, I am ill and my own income can;t support me. like Liz, I feel guilty because I'm a grown up and shouldn;t be draining and bothering my elderly mother, but I also know this is what family is for. Additionally I know that my mother makes most of this chaos through her disorder and is responsible for my BPD fleas. She could choose to do things in a much easier and common sense way, which would be cheaper and faster for everyone, bu she chooses to allow her untreated PD to make decisions that are disordered and harmful, and I have no choice but to go along- unless i want to literally live under a bridge.

My x looks good because I could at least get away from his abuse sometimes, my mother? Not so much. It's just chronic abuse exposure.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 3:52 pm 
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It may sound ridiculously simple but when I feel that way a nice long hot bath helps to alleviate my stress a bit. If the weather is decent a nice long walk also helps.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 4:01 pm 
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It's not ridiculous, being clean and fit and crapped out is better than being dirty, out of shape and crapped out!!!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeee


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:03 pm 
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I UNDERSTAND now, surreal.

many many hugs :)


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 9:15 pm 
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Hey Surreal,

I was glad to hear that some of the avalanche you've had might be stopping now. : ) And that you no longer think you are a moron. : )))))

Will you be getting a chair soon?? You are probably aware of these things, but thought I'd mention...What about Social Security -is that an option? In some states you can get it relatively quickly. There is also Section 8 rental assistance and low income housing. Surreal, I think you mighta mentioned you had fibromyalgia, I'm not sure. Sorta curious what you are struggling with, if you care to share (you dont have to though). You don't have to answer any of this. I do hope you feel some better soon. : )

-L


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 6:01 pm 
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Hugs peeps.

Liz,

i have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, /infected sinus' & fluid in my ears (need grommets???) for 2 years (creates nerve pain in my head and face, aggrivates GERD, causes me to always feel like i have a cold and makes it hard to breathe), Migraine..

a lot of this might be the beginning of metabolic syndrome... I am working with someone on this idea...because I am normally very athletic and NEVER sick - have been blessed with incredible health and genes.

add a busted up ankle, shredded tendons that have adheared to the bone (need operation???) 4 bulging disks in the spine, 2 out of place knee caps and nerve damage in the legs from the fall that created this mess...

That's my physical stew...

if it's fibromyalgia & chroic fatigue, which one dr says it is, I am so screwed. metabolic syndrome...I am so screwed.

it's all like lyme- never to go away.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 7:06 pm 
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wow.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 9:26 pm 
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Thank you MM.

My grandmother used to say to me when I was like 6 and she was like 86..."the most important thing you will ever have is your health. You have that. You can lose and gain everything in this world and be ok, but not your health. You HAVE to take care of it."

At 6 i thought she was a batty bird...maybe I had ear infections like EVERY kid and I am lactose intolerant...but ...

NOW I KNOW.......

OMG....I hear her in my head and think, she was in better shape at 86 than I am at less than half that age...

OMG

ARGHGHHGGHGHGHGHGHGH

Liz knows....

you just don;t know what it is to be relatively young in an old person's body...until you are there...it's unimaginable.

4 years ago I was a part time fitness instructor and ski instructor. Now I can barely walk or stand or..lie down...I can't lift anything...It takes away your independence at the prime of life and takes away the ability to do good self care independently...it's isolating and very depressing...I just feel about 105 years old...not like my peers, so it makes it hard to make friends...I can;t do what people my age do, but no one who is 98 wants to hang out with me...

it's not a pity party- just a description of what it feels like- maybe Liz is reading-


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 10:36 pm 
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I'm reading, I'm listening surreal


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 5:29 pm 
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Yup, im reading.

I could relate to a lot of what you said. We have a lot of similarities and some differences too of course. Surreal, I'm sorry you have had to go through this. It is nice to have someone on this list who has something similar going on. : )

gentle hug,
L.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 5:52 pm 
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hug back that won;t break the already broken...

(who says "ouch" when they get Hugged???? OMG!!!!)

hopefully we will get better liz- did I ask you if you do hydrotherapy?

it's what saves me.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 5:08 pm 
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It's good that you wrote those down. For many people, if you write out your thoughts then it will help you understand how you feel and keep you working to achieve your goal.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:41 pm 
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jordan.s,

this was a year ago (2011). I believe that surreal sorta disappeared and we don't know whusup with her. :-/ We all hope she is well!


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 10:49 pm 
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liz,
i miss surreal and her good feedback! hope she's well...


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 12:28 pm 
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here mere, yeah it's strange how she just didnt ever come back. I really appreciated her too. I do hope she is well.


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 Post subject: Re: Lonely - feeling icky about self -
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 3:36 pm 
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liz
too bad we don't have her contacts, address, phone numbers or anything.


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