BPDRecovery.com: Forums

i was drinking every day for a while until i started therapy again and have cut back a lot. i try not to take my pain meds as often (i have chronic back pain and had a back injury at work 3 months ago), but on bad days i will take them on top of the alcohol to feel more of the effects... i'm really trying to stop and my therapist says i can't go any further until i get this under control because i'm self-medicating and i can't get to real recovery from all the other stuff until i stop... which makes since to me... but i'm having a really hard time with this...

i used to SI a lot when i was younger and up until a few years ago it was my choice stress relief and a bad habit - also a way to make my husband angry at me because it was very visable and he would be so humiliated... i finally got it under control and kicked that habit... now i've replaced it with something that is less visable and more acceptable in our circle of "friends" (more like his friends - i wouldn't call them mine so much as i don't have any real relationships with any of them)... also it is more acceptable to my husband... he has one beer about every other night so he doesn't really notice that i'm refilling my "one mixed drink". sometimes i take shots when he is in the other room... and it's really bad on the weekends and whenever we get together with friends...

i really want to get this under control, but part of me doesn't want to give up using it to ease my social anxiety (which is severe at times)... still i know i need to and i am tired of feeling sick and tired and hungover all the time... just to drink again to ease my guilt and all the other feelings...

do the five steps work for this kind of thing? if anyone has any experience with this, please share. i seriously don't have the time for AA, and don't feel like i am really an alcoholic... or am i in denial? i don't know... anyway i can't seem to get past the step of identifying my feeling/problem: LONELINESS... my drink has become my best friend...

our friends are having a big get-together on saturday... sunday is our anniversary... i'm feeling really depressed and anxious and worried i am not going to be able to get through the weeking without lots and lots of vodka... should i not go to the party? how do i break down the steps for this?

I used to drink very heavily and I went to AA and I also prayed for God to make it so that I could not drink. God answered my prayers. If I have any alcohol now it is as if I am allergic. I immediately get nauseous or get a headache so there is no more appeal.

Do you believe in God? If so, throw yourself on God's mercy and a door will open for you.

I realize this topic is old, but I am new...
It has been strange/difficult to try and apply the five steps to food--when I get into binge mode, it's really just a question of how many times I will fill the bowl with cookies and pour milk on them.

I felt very condemned after applying the steps, "Problem: I felt HUNGRY and wanted to be sedated. Choices were eat bowl of cookies n milk, eat veges, or go to bed. The best choice would have been to eat/drink the veges, but I ate the milk n cookies because it felt good."

I am also confused by Step 1: HALT. Do I only try to apply the 5 steps when I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? Are these four conditions/emotions/feelings when we are more likely to exhibit BPD symptoms?

Thanks much!
thesea