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 Post subject: dealing with interpersonal conflict
PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 2:57 pm 
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Stop / HALT
I am not hungry, lonely, or tired or any other physical feelings like that. I feel calm and centered and just fine. But, while I am not angry, I am annoyed/irritated/irked.

Determine what the problem is
Someone on another board posted a message critical of one of my posts. I believe it is an unfair criticism, I don't particularly like the person who criticized me, and it is also embarrassing to be criticized.

Come up with THREE possible courses of action
    1. Ask for feedback from someone I respect on what I plan to post
    2. Sit on it for a little while, but then post my response
    3. Do nothing
Figure out which one is best for now
I've actually done #1 tho I'm still waiting for the feedback. I'm getting "antsy" and want to post it because it's been a few days since the person said something. I've rewritten it a few times and feel it is a good post. Mostly.

I've done a lot of work over the 2 days or so since the person posted their criticism:
    I've worked to find understanding for her perspective;
    I've worked not to take it personally and to not react defensively;
    I've worked not to react in an aggressive or sarcastic manner;
    I've worked not to try to change her POV


#3 would be the hardest. I don't personally care what the person thinks tho I respect her in other ways, but I do feel I want to make my feelings known in general. To do otherwise feels like I'm just stuffing my feelings because they're interpersonally unpleasant, and that's not healthy (my mom's well-learned lesson of "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Thank gawd I don't believe that anymore. Now it's learning how to be tactful and assertive).

But being passive-aggressively defensive isn't healthy either. I'm annoyed at her behavior, so I'm afraid my message contains some of that, frankly. That's why I asked my friend for feedback - a uninvolved POV. I'm thinking of going ahead and posting it and not waiting, because in a day or so, it'll seem silly to respond to the person's post. But I don't want to be impulsive (lol, if doing something after 3 days of reflection is impulsive, I sure have come a long way, baby!).

Anyway, that's my little issue. Anyone reading this have any other good ideas? Thanks.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 3:02 pm 
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Forgot to mention I got the idea to "do nothing" from an old thread I was reading where Kari said:

Quote:
Doing nothing can and maybe usually should be one of the three options. Sometimes just letting something go without challenging it, or confronting it, or beating someone over the head with it, is a good thing.


I'm leaning towards this, but not sure I "can" or will choose to. That's the thing I need a little help on (just a little push, maybe). Just letting go... I'm not emotionally invested enough in that yet to do so yet, tho.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 3:36 pm 
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((Marn)) some neat work here girl.

Firstly I want to congratulate you on sitting with this for the last three days, nice work. Also at working through your response in a calm and rational manner. I wonder if hanging on this ie. not having option for action picked is causing you more of that irritation and annoyance, not saying it is, just wanted to offer as an option.

You know you can go back to a thread at any point even if was a week later, so I am not sure I see the difference between a few days and a week here, other than the thread may move on without you, is that what you are saying, that it wont fit in context with other work happening.

Did your friend give you any idea when she may be able to offer you feedback? If she doesn't, it does sound like you have put a lot of thought into your reply already, what would it be like if you posted it and be prepared to answer anything that came back at you. You would be after all answering having worked the four agreements in? Doing your best also.

What is you biggest fear in hitting send? Sounds like you are feeling need for reassurance it is ok to respond, any idea where that is coming from if so? Is there anything you can do to offer yourself that reassurance

So that covers option 1 and 2.

So how does option 3 sit? This is often the hardest one, I know. Yes to do nothing is an option / choice, I think this at times, allows me to deal with my stuff surrounding the issue some, and perhaps move forward.

Marn, try not to forget that having worked the steps, it is the doing that is the effective bit, which suggests to me the reasons for feeling "antsy". Also there is the option to rework the five steps in the future should the option you take turn out to not be as effective as you wish.

I think this is gonna have you til you feel able to do the doing part of the five steps.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 10:04 pm 
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Thanks for your input, Tracy. I took what you said and jumped in the outdoor hottub for about 30 minutes tonight and stewed the right answer of me, lol: I'm just going to write a one-line (sincere) apology in the thread, that's all.

I had a hard time empathising with the person because of my personal feelings for her, which is why I couldn't just apologize in the first place and be done with it, but I was able to get beyond that finally, after my friend wrote back something interesting - tho not what i was looking for. His response made me think really hard and I finally "got it". It's one of those "aha" moments when you have to make the decision yourself, but you've gotten good wisdom from those around you to make a good decision (yes, I do mean you, too ;) )

So thanks, and I do think I did the right thing here. I can't wait until it doesn't take me 3 days to figure it out, lol!

(ps- you were totally right about the irritation/antsyness being more about not acting than anything, because I felt better once I had made a choice on what I was going to do. Funny that, eh?)

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 10:17 pm 
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Glad you got there! That hot tub sounds lush, self care option often works well too eh!

Three days isn't that much when choosing to make an apology really especially if you wish it to be a sincere one as it sounds it was. Also shows you have taken some time to reflect on what was said.

Pleased you feel better on making a decision and thanks for coming back I need some of this work myself this moning I think, you have offered me some really great motivation myself.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 12:36 am 
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If only I could rewind the clock. Before I lit out for work I had a thought about this thread and missed my chance to share before you chose an effective course... and it seems quite an effective choice considering the alternatives.

Actually I was thinking that the three day wait was quite impressive, especially with the pressure that can build while that goes on.

The thought I had was that your posts on this sounded kinda like half a Pro/Cons worksheet exercise. You seemed to have a good handle on the Cons of not responding quickly.. and the cons of tolerating the distress for three days or more...

But in all that good writing, I didn't see the balance. Didn't see the Pro's of not responding immediately. Or those of waiting three days or more. I didn't see the con's of responding either time...

What I was thinking was you might be in a good situation to bolt on the other half of the analysis, even retroactively, and see where in the world of gray that leads. I suspect you might have gotten to a place very much like the one you got to anyway. Just a possibility for reducing the antsyness next time.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:50 pm 
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IBF, great thots and when I have more time, I'll definitely come back and work on that (I seem to have looooots of uh, "homework" right now, lol).

But wanted to update this, because it's a great lesson...

The woman wrote back and apologized for her reaction!

Well, first I had a board friend chime in and kinda explain my post and sorta stick up for me in a nice way, then the other person wrote saying they wished they had re-read my post a few times because what I was trying to tell htem hadn't sunk in and she had reacted out of emotion.

:shock What an unexpected turn-of-events, but a wonderful one! I'm glad I did the right thing, and even if it hadn't led to such a positive outcome, I'm still glad i did the right thing!

Sometimes karma isn't a bitch (tho, that's not the reason I apologized in the first place. That itself was a very freeing, honest, and helpful thing to do in its own right).


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 12:22 pm 
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Thank you OH, you made my day. I'm glad it worked out so well.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 12:52 am 
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Kari, sometimes we're not even aware when our words or actions can help another person: thank you for helping me (even tho the words you wrote were like a year ago or more)! The situation here turned out so well, it was a wonderful lesson in humility and compassion and effective action. It was a success I took the time to respond and not just react.

(IBF, I'm geeeeettttting to it, I really am!)

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 2:45 pm 
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:shysmile

Thanks all. You have no idea how this has helped me in a situation. (Stammering, looks at feet.)

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:00 pm 
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Sure, (((J))), hope it's nothing serious going on? You're welcome to talk about it here, I ain't possessive of threads! If not, hope it works out well for you.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 8:48 am 
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Quote:
I had a hard time empathising with the person because of my personal feelings for her, which is why I couldn't just apologize in the first place and be done with it, but I was able to get beyond that finally, after my friend wrote back something interesting - tho not what i was looking for.


This is the part that hit home for me. :shysmile Not something in my RL, no.

Sometimes, waiting 3 or more days is the BEST thing to do. Sifting and putting things into perspective.

Do I really care how another on here reacts or responds? No, I needn't do that or put myself into that situation. The other can own their own response/reaction. I don't need to react to a reaction, right? I might need 3-4 days to see it clearer. I might need feedback from an honest friend. To respond with empathy, respect (for me and the other) as well as consideration. To work to not twist their words. If the other continues to twist mine? I don't have to own that NOR defend my words to the other. Perhaps it is best at that point to just walk away in self-protection and know that I've done my best. Let the other know that is what I need to do and when they are ready to work through it with me in a calm, courteous, respectful manner, then I'll be there. And I will apologize if needs be.

Is this what you are talking about (((OH)))?

[Nah, in RL I had a situation come up where one of my neighbors was burning leaves, twigs, in a pile on his lot. The Pres. of the Board is out of town and that "leafs" me, as Sec/Treas to say something. We have a no burn policy in our neighborhood.

What am I going to do? (Pros and cons of each item.)

HALT
1- Hide in my house and let him burn. (Nah, not much self respect in that, nor am I doing my "job". BTW, the pay sucks as in there is none.)
2- Send him an e-mail about it. (Nah, seems cold, passive-aggressive.)
3- Walk outside, see what he is doing, ask him what he thinks about it and offer to let him use our water/hose if needs be. :!: (Lots of pros to this one IF I handle it with consideration and respect to the other.)

I chose 3. And it was f'ing hard for me. He saw me walking towards him. I said, "Hi Neighbor X! I am NOT coming to chew you out!" I asked him questions. I listened to his answers. I had to agree with his POV on the burning issue. I let him know that I don't necessarily agree with the no burning policy but I have to enforce it. Especially if someone complains. I saw that he was doing it in a most responsible, respectable way. (Smoke blowing away from the homes, little wind, burning in a small pile while he stood a close watch.) I let him know that if someone does complain, I will tell them what I saw and that it wasn't a problem.

Then I invited him and his wife over for dinner. (Cuz lately, I am in a creative cooking mood! I've been trying all sorts of different dinners and have my H rate them. Plus, it makes for good deposits with my H. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." Heh, that is ONE of the ways, anyhoo... ;) )

It is so cool when an exercise I've been doing on here spills over into RL, ya know?]

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