BPDRecovery.com: Forums

1) Stop / HALT

I'm not hungry, angry, or tired. I usually feel lonely. Sometimes it passes, and sometimes it sticks around for a long time.

2) Determine what the problem is

I've been in touch with an old friend via email and instant messenger since last summer. I usually hear from him at least once or twice a week. It's been over three weeks since his last email, and I'm getting worried. I probably have good reason to worry, because he has a serious illness that will eventually kill him, and not hearing from him doesn't seem like a good sign.

3) Come up with THREE possible courses of action

A) Contact him by email, phone, or snail mail.

B) Keep waiting, wondering, and worrying.

C) Apply the Four Agreements.

4) Figure out which one is best for now

For some reason A feels awkward. As far as I can tell, he hasn't been online at all in the past three weeks, so an email might be wasted effort. We don't usually talk by phone, and we've only exchanged Christmas cards by snail mail. I've been doing B already, and all the wondering and worrying is taking up a lot of space in my head. I think the best course of action would be to do A, then C. I have no control over whether he's able to check his email or not, but I guess there's no harm in sending him a short message to inquire about his health. After that, I can only apply the Four Agreements and wish him well.

DO IT!

OK, now I have to figure out what to say in this brief email. I think "Hi! Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope everything's all right." is probably enough.

EmJay

Not knowing is tough. I think you have a good plan to keep yourself from being consumed by the anxiety. I hope you hear from him soon.

Thanks, Trinity. It's funny how the universe rewards those who take action. I finally heard from him today.

Problem is, I don't like the response I got, so once again I will:

1) Stop / HALT

Hungry? No. Angry? Yes. Also hurt and frustrated. Lonely? Yes. Tired? No.

2) Determine what the problem is

After not hearing from a friend for over three weeks, he finally got in touch with me. He's all right health-wise, but his computer crashed hard. I kind of figured that was the case, since he hadn't been online for all that time. Now I have a lot of twisted thoughts running through my head. For example, "I must not be a very special friend if he can leave me hanging for three *$^&+% weeks." I'm also feeling frustrated by the limitations of this friendship.

3) Come up with THREE possible courses of action

A) I could answer his email, tell him what's on my mind.

B) I could just sit here feeling frustrated and hurt.

C) I could look at my own behavior, ask myself whether I've ever left anyone hanging for three *$^&+% weeks, and if the answer is yes, I could take steps to reach out to people I've neglected.

4) Figure out which one is best for now

I don't think A is a good idea when I'm in this frame of mind. I'm already tired of B, so I guess C is my best option.

5) DO IT!

OK, the answer is yes. I have blown off people I considered to be good friends. I imagine they might be frustrated and confused by my behavior. I can think of at least one person I've neglected terribly, and I will send her an email before the day is over.

EmJay

Sounds VERY positive, EmJay! Not only do you now understand how he could still care about you and have left you hanging for a bit, but you are now going to reach out to someone you may possibly be confusing or worrying yourself. Both are great things.

It is frustrating when you can't have the contact you want with friends you care about. I understand that completely living, for the moment, in two places, when I am in PA I miss people in Toronto terribly, and when in Toronto I miss my childhood friends terribly.

I just wanted to tell you that I'm impressed with the way you used the 5 Steps here. Realizing that you have treated others the way you are being treated, and trying to correct that by reaching out to someone, is pretty amazing!

Wanted to add, that sometimes life just gets in the way. I have to write a friend tomorrow thats its been almost a month since we've had more than a oneline e-mail because I have a new job in a new city that is taking tons of my time. I don't love her any less, life jsut gets in the way sometimes.