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 Post subject: Problem- Home life makes recovery difficult
PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:53 pm 
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I don't know exactly where on the forum this topic should go, it seems to fit here, but if I should move it, let me know. The five steps are about assessing and solving problems, so, I've assessed a problem, but I am not sure how to solve it-

I live at home. I have all my life except for 5 months of last year. It was during those 5 months that I first became aware of how dysfunctional my home life was. Since it was all I had known, I had just assumed it was normal. Being away from the home was the greatest thing I have ever done for myself.

But due to my particular situation, I can't work legally in the city I now consider home, so when I ran out of money, I had to come home. At first I was upbeat. I'd learned so much, and been away long enough to forget what it was like to be home. So I genuinely thought everything would be okay.

Almost as soon as I stepped through the door reality came crashing down. My Dad is probably undiagnosed BPD himself, or if not that, severe depression at least, and he won't admit he has a problem, instead he blames everyone else. He has to have things a particular way and he flips out if he thinks he's not in control of every situation. Including my mother, sister, and my lives.

As time went on, and I became increasingly miserable here, and more and more doors to options for moving to Toronto (the city that's home for me now) closed on me, I felt trapped and succumbed, as I mentioned in other posts, to the worst place I have ever been in my life.

Returning to Toronto for a visit this week gave me the courage and will to take action to overcome this, but now I'm home with the parents again.

I recognize this environment is very unhealthy for me. Where I need strong, stable figures to surround myself with now, I have my Dad. I have to endure verbal abuse, and watch my sister endure even worse (she's 13, so stuck here more so than me).

Thing is, the only option I have for moving to Toronto is going to school there. There's no doubt or hesitation in my mind that my dreams are to go to school there, and to live there. There's no doubt in my mind no matter what happens, to stay at home will only make recovery impossible.

But I can't afford college without Dad's help. He and Mom have plenty of money, and Mom's very supportive, but Dad won't let Mom make any decisions for the family. And dad hates the idea. He resents me for wanting to move away, and he resents me for wanting to attend college, something he's always pushed me not to do, because he sees it as a waste of time and a big conspiracy theory. He's insanely paranoid. Anyway, I listened to him, but I don't want to now.

Now, examining everything rationally I am able to keep myself somewhat calm through reminding myself I am NOT trapped, that no matter what route I have to take, I will get out of here. I have options. Some smarter than others, but I have fall back positions. Josh, who lives in Toronto, cares very much for me and is willing to do whatever neccessary to help me out. All the doors are not closed.

But handling day to day life in this household is a chore all by itself. It's a terribly depressed and repressive atmosphere, filled with stress. I was planning next week to present my plans for college to Dad and basically plead with him to help me out, even just with a loan.

But in the state he's in right now, and for how long I'm not sure, I have no great hopes he'll listen to me. Mom's going to try and talk reason to him.

But without at least his signature assuring immigration he'll support me financially in Canada (I don't even need that much financial support from him, just for beauracratic reasons Josh and I wouldn't qualify as having enough money for them to allow me to study in Canada), my plans for school can't happen, at least not for years to come.

I just need to get this out, and am trying to think of strategies, both to deal with this depressing situation in regards to my own healing, as well as how to face Dad and persuade him to help me out.

I've never asked him for very much, this is the most major thing I've ever asked for him and he always promised he would be there for me if I needed his help, but now I am not so sure.


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 Post subject: Re: Problem- Home life makes recovery difficult
PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 1:59 pm 
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That's okay. :)

Hey actually things in my home life improved a LOT since I wrote that! I managed to present how I feel very logically and calmly to my father and while he didn't outright agree to loan me the money, but he said if I "work" for him, doing some things he wants and needs done anyway, I'll have earned the money. Obviously this is a little more stressful than an outright loan, but it seemed fair to me, and also since I have started this arrangement things have gone just great with my working for him.

If it continues this way, I'll be Toronto bound by September. :D


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 Post subject: Re: Problem- Home life makes recovery difficult
PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:21 pm 
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Hey Shadow, I'm glad things feel a little less stressful for you now. Good for you for staying cool when you talked to your father -- it's tough, I know, but much more likely to get you where you want to be in the long run. I hope his demands on you in return for financial help are not too extreme, so you can get to Toronto and pursue your dreams.

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: Problem- Home life makes recovery difficult
PostPosted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 4:44 pm 
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So far they haven't been too extreme at all. It's been fair, though I find myself getting testy, it is my own frustrations and past getting to me more than anything outrageous he is doing. He's difficult to work with, but so are some bosses, I just need to learn to work with him.


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