Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Fri Sep 21, 2018 2:00 pm

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Fighting
PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2008 8:41 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri May 16, 2008 7:06 am
Posts: 10
Location: Virginia, USA and St Andrews, UK
I feel like I've been going through the steps pretty well until last night. I've just lost it, and I'm at work, losing it again, and I don't know what to do. I have a meeting in an hour and I can't pull myself together, I just feel so lost.

Last night my partner and I went to my house to relax and do some laundry. (We live in spearate houses due to the BPD) I checked my mail and had a postcard from an old friend. Old friend and I went on a couple dates a few years back (when my partner and I were seriously separated and she was dating several men), but it was a really bad idea, we broke it off because it was ruining our friendship and we've been close since. My partner, R, was very passive aggressive about the postcard. She didn't think there was any reason I should talk to the friend, didn't think I should be receiving mail from her, and kept muttering about how much she disliked that tramp.

I slowly started to crack. I tried to ask her why she disliked the friend. I really, really tried to be calm. Finally, I went up and did laundry. I kept mumbling about how unfair this was and how I felt that she'd somehow made a nice situation that had nothing to do with her all about her.

Stop/HALT - What are you feeling?
-I'm a little tired, very lonely, and feeling as though I've done something terribly wrong

What's the problem?
-I'm feeling convicted by R
-I can't understand where R is coming from
-I can't let her have negative feelings about me

Three courses of action?
1. Just let it go. She's entitled to her opinion.
2. Insist on discussing the problem with her.
3. Apologize and hide further conversation with the friend from R's knowledge.

Which is best?
1. Probably the best option. Clearly she's stuck in her feelings, and they're her feelings.
2. Precisely what I did; only led to more conflict.
3. Lying got me into our first marriage problems. Never a good idea. Dishonesty only leads to more dishonesty.

Unfortunately, I didn't do it. I did laundry, but laundry led to tears. I cried a lot, I tried to work out what I was feeling with her, but I wasn't feeling like she gave me enough compassion. I was consumed with the idea that she hated me. I tried to convince myself she didn't, and after about an hour and a half of intense crying and self-loathing, we went back to her house.

At her house, I felt she was ignoring me. She just wanted to go to bed. I couldn't believe she was legitimately tired, I insisted she must be angry with me.

I was very, very lonely.

She then laid there, pretending to be asleep. She did this for nearly 45 minutes while I cried and begged her to speak to me. I just really, really needed to speak to her. I wanted her to show me that despite how badly I was behaving, she still loved me. She wouldn't let me touch her, she wouldn't even look at me. For the first time in five years, that's how we went to sleep.

I cannot believe how I behaved. I heard her sobbing in her sleep. She told me this morning that she feels abused, she feels as though I can never respect her feelings. If she's tired, she should be allowed to be tired without it having to mean anything else. She says she can't do this anymore.

I have psychiatric appointment June 9th, but she doesn't feel it's soon enough.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm overwhelmed with grief and misery. I feel so lost in sadness and loneliness. I can't pull myself out, I can't control my actions. I feel horrific, and yet when I come out of my disasters, I've then made R feel horrific. She's beside herself with grief - and it's only a few months since her mother died. She feels my intense outbursts keep her from mourning because she has to deal with them more often than she can deal with her own feelings.

I'm terrified that I'm destroying myself, and by destroying myself, destroying her.

For the immediacy, I can't calm down long enough just to work. I feel overwraught. I'm just so caught in how despirately sad I am. How impossible this all seems. I just want to be healthy and happy again, with my wife.

I'm sorry this this so long... I've been really inspired by some recent posts and I hope maybe someone can offer some advice.

Thank you so much.

_________________
"Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions no one has asked them." - Leo Tolstoy


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Fighting
PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2008 10:53 am 
Senior Community Leader
Senior Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Thu Dec 01, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1059
It's tough when both of you are feeling invalidated and beaten up on.

I think you did a good job with the Steps, up to the "do it" part. You definitely weren't able to let go of it, and the more you cried and bugged her about talking to you, the deeper you dug your hole. I know you're not supposed to go to bed mad, but if one partner isn't interested in resolution, there isn't much the other can do about it.

It sounds like you're both insecure about your relationship -- R. because she got so upset by a postcard from your friend, and you because you decided she hated you because she was upset. Have you ever thought of doing couples counseling? It might help the two of you to work out a little bit your expectations of each other and your relationship. And it might help R. voice some of her feelings about her mother passing, and what she needs from you in terms of support.

I don't know what R. expects will happen when you see your pdoc on the 9th -- there aren't any instant fixes for this stuff, either in terms of medication or behavior modification. Do you also see a therapist? I know it can seem a bit overwhelming to see a psychiatrist and a therapist, and maybe even a couples counselor as well, but I think it's in therapy that most of the progress is made. I know for myself, my now ex-husband and I started marital counseling, and the therapist resisted my getting individual therapy as well because she though it would be too many cooks stirring the broth. The problem was that I really couldn't deal with what she was telling us because I was so ill. Ultimately everything fell apart and my h and I divorced, but I've always wondered if I could have salvaged things if I'd been healthier. I guess what I'm saying is work as hard as you can on yourself *for* yourself -- the healthier you get, the more likely your relationships will be healthy.

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Fighting
PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2008 11:27 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri May 16, 2008 7:06 am
Posts: 10
Location: Virginia, USA and St Andrews, UK
Thank you so much for your input.

Her insecurity stems from some dishonesty on my part in October. I didn't cheat on R, but I did have a friendship with a woman significantly older than me that got closer than it should have, and I'd been dishonest with R about it from the beginning. Her paranoia, although it can go a little far, stems from that.

My biggest problems stem from loneliess, specifically when I feel I'm being ignored. I fly off the handle whenever I'm in that situation, and it's simply not fair to her. We have been to couples counseling, however, after many months we felt it was making things worse. When we stopped going and started communicating, things got infinitely better. We'd tried to find another T, but there aren't many other Ts in this area who'll counsel lesbian couples.

I don't think R believes anything will happen overnight, but that nothing will begin to happen until I start seeing someone. I don't have a T at this time. I stopped seeing my last T in March when she declared me "fixed". I'm sure I don't have to explain the many problems I had with that.

I do seriously agree with that "too many cooks stirring the broth" analogy, though. Even when she and I were each seeking therapy and then also seeking couples counseling, it felt as though our therapists had serious conflicts of interest. Her therapist even got to a rather immature, unprofessional point in regards to me. We clearly haven't had good luck in the therapy deptartment since we moved to Virginia.

I'm just feeling hopeless. Mainly helpless in my ability to stop hurting her. I know she loves me and that it's unwaivering, but I can't keep hurting her like this... I love her too much.

_________________
"Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions no one has asked them." - Leo Tolstoy


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group