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trying to cope with this dread and hopelessness... my husband and i have a counseling appointment today in just a few hours. feeling like nothing matters and nothing will help...

stop!

halt!

hungry - not hungry at all. i haven't had an appetite in days, but i suppose my body would like to eat eventually...

angry - angry at my husband because he asked me if we could live on my income for a little while longer (which we have been doing for 3 years anyway) and to give him another 2 -3 months to find a job so he can do some other things he wants to do first. also last night i asked him if i could ask our counselor for a pdoc recommendation. he says that trying to medicate myself is only gonna keep us on the rollercoaster. he is ignorant about medication and doesn't understand my pain.

lonely - very very lonely. the loneliness is excruciating... i have a few aquaintances. and this board. no real friends. none. probably no one would even care if i stopped posting here. i don't feel like anyone would care whether i am alive or dead. that may not be entirely true. but i feel like i have no one to talk to that really understands or cares as much as i need. i am so lonely...

tired - only because i am extremely depressed and lethargic. i sleep too much.

determine what the problem is - i can't figure it all out right now. my head is fuzzy and illogical. i need help. this much i understand.

come up with 3 possible courses of action - eat a good lunch. write in my journal and try to stay calm. go to the counselor appointment even though i don't want to. ask about pdoc and medication. discuss this with counselor and husband. be honest about my feelings and let them out in a healthy way instead of letting them build up.

figure out which one is best for now - i will try to do all of this i guess. there are more than 3 things, but i don't know how to simplify it... i'm open to suggestions...

erin

I think your three things are all good ideas. Especially about the Pdoc. I cound't do the work needed in therapy until I got my brain chemistry evened out. You have to be able to think straight for therapy to sink in. If you read this after your appointment, I'd like to hear how it went.

How are you doing?

hi, well, it wen't alright and terrible at the same time... we talked out a lot of our feelings about the relationship and have come to the point where we have to make a commitment to stay together and really work it out, or decide to part ways. we have grown so far apart, and there has just been so much damage done, that there is not even a relationship left. we are basically just two miserable people living together. the therapist actually told us that she doesn't see a lot of hope for us, based on all that she has seen of us... my husband said he has really been thinking of seperating or just getting a divorce, but that i have to make the decision because he doesn't want to leave me alone to hurt myself or fall apart. i feel like my entire world has fallen out from under me because i know that it is over. there is nothing left for us together...

i talked to her about the feelings i have been having and the experience this last weekend where i thought i needed to go to the hospital, and also about thinking about medication... she said that i don't have to wait until it is that bad to get help. she is going to give me a referral to a partial hospitalization/intensive dbt program. so here we go again... this will be the third time. as soon as i make my decision i am going to take two weeks vacation from work and check in with them. i figure it will help me through the worst of it and they can set me up with a pdoc there... there is also a three month follow up program. i didn't finish that the other times. i will have to this time. i need to. so i am not feeling completely hopeless. i haven't fallen off the edge yet... i guess i will be able to manage until i get to the program.

i am hurting so bad... i have no one but you guys to talk to right now. i am going to see her alone next week... if i haven't made a decision to ask my husband to leave yet, she will be helping me sort that out and figure out how to do it.

i don't have the guts for this... uggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................

You do have enough courage to face this. I'm at work, so I'll write more later, but you will be surprised what you can do. I have faith in you.

thank you for your response kari. i am open to hearing whatever adivce or suggestions you have to give. i am feeling a little better right now, but i know that i could use the support... this is really hard.

erin

Hey, erin ~
I totally believe you have more strength and courage than it may seem to you.
It will come, and we're here, too.

~ jr


and may I just say...I think this is bulloney. It's possible that he relies on you more than you need him. I predict you will sense a welcome lightness when pending changes begin.

Good luck, erin. You are taking an important step! Feel good about you!

thanks jr. and aqua... i am feeling stronger today. maybe just a little, but i know i can do this. i will be relying on my dbt skills as much as possible, and will be posting an update soon.

erin

Erin,

"Courage doesn't always roar, sometimes it is just enough to say: I will try again tomorrow."

Don't know who said this or if the quote is correct, but you are on the right track because you are trying over and over again!!!!

Birgit