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 Post subject: Communication
PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2009 10:28 pm 
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My father, whom I love dearly and have always looked to as my hero, loves to offer me "advice". Often though it seems he forgets that advice can be taken or left. I know that he means well in everything he says and does to me, and to those around him, but a lot of times, I end up a sobbing ball of mess by not complying. We both love each other to death, and he only wants the best for me (as any parent should) but aside from the bpd, my life has been full of bad choices and bad happenings. He tends to blame the majority of what happens to me on myself, which in a lot of cases, I could have done things differently that would have averted a lot of the drama I incurred. Unfortunately, there has been a lot of bad things happen to me that led me down other paths.

I am now clean of all drugs, focused on my recovery, making better choices in all respects, and have learned how to ask for help. One of the best things for me was learning to set boundaries. Well, my Dad believes they don't apply to him. I went home for the holidays and as usual, my Dad and I had two blow outs on day one and day two (of 12 which means I"m getting better at communicating, my mom concurs) during which he over stepped my boundaries. His reasoning was that he was my father and they don't apply to him. I'm 27 now, and feel like a child all the same at times!!

Afterwards we talked, and he did apologize, but said that it doesn't change the fact that I'm his daughter, his youngest, and his views that what he says is justified just for being my Dad. He continued to push my buttons and even after I left the room, he followed me. I told him I need a moment alone, to take a time out, but he kept following me and talking at me. I eventually locked myself in a room and cried for a half hour or so, while my mom kept him preoccupied so that I could have the release I so badly needed. My mom came to me after and asked what happened, and I told her that when I needed to take a minute to refocus and calm, he wouldn't give it to me. I told her that I explained why I needed it at that moment, that my anger would propel without a minute of silence and I may not regain control. She said I did all the right things given the circumstance, and that I should be proud of my accomplishments. Why do I not feel good about it?

I'm learning assertiveness versus my old aggressive ways, which are suppose to result in more good feelings, than guilt feelings. However, I still feel guilt. I know it's something that comes with standing your ground sometimes, but it sucks. I guess I'll need to use it more to find when the good comes in, but does anyone have any insight? Is it normal to still feel bad often when we communicate the ways we should? I've had a lot of my support systems tell me I'm doing great, and my communication is getting a lot better. I"m being clear in what I say, saying what I mean, and not assuming anything. The assumption dropping alone, has made a world of difference, but I have yet to feel good about getting what I want in a normal way. I'm so use to getting my needs met just by out-bursting (which strangely I feel good after, but guilty too) that it almost seems wrong to get my needs met and get others met in a healthy way. Has anybody experienced this? If so, how long til it passed for you? Please tell me I"m not the only one! lol

Thanks so much all :)

Keek


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 Post subject: Re: Communication
PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2009 11:17 pm 
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I don't know about any insight, but you are certainly not alone in this issue. ;) Here's my take:

Quote:
I'm learning assertiveness versus my old aggressive ways, which are suppose to result in more good feelings, than guilt feelings. However, I still feel guilt. I know it's something that comes with standing your ground sometimes, but it sucks.

First--Here! Here! Brava!! Congrats on making some changes. It's not easy at first. I don't know about you, but when I was learning assertiveness vs aggressiveness.....I didn't always get it just right the first time. It took practice. That tiny bit of waviness kinda threw off the ones I was trying to use these new techniques upon. As in; they weren't sure if I had really changed long after I did. I think that uncertainty caused some....doubt in my own mind.

That doubt, that feeling that "what if I would be better doing this the old way" or "if their not going to respect my boundaries, how will all this ever work"--that Doubt in myself. The doubt lead to guilt for me. "what if I'm wrong, and I'm hurting my H more by doing things this way?" "If I wasn't here, they wouldn't be upset" "I'm just worthless, I can't even do this right" ...you name it, I doubted. And it continued to suck--doubt and guilt-ridden, feeling like I was in the wrong somehow-- until I began to fully believe in myself and what I was doing.

Quote:
Is it normal to still feel bad often when we communicate the ways we should?

There is no should, I can't have those thoughts--that word--in my mind anymore. It makes me feel guilty thinking of all the things I 'should' do when really what I'm doing is what I 'should' do, just not according to the tapes in my head. So I can't think of 'should' anymore. This isn't 'the right way', IMO. I can't think of things like that, or else it feels like a chore or something I'm 'supposed' to do, so when I inevitably mess up...it's a big self-blame/ 'woe is me' fest. I think of it as "effective/healthy" or "not". All that may not be what you meant, but I think it's an important point. What's the most effective way for you to communicate your point/goal? It's usually the 'healthiest' way...and the way we 'should', lol. Just changing the way I saw an issue--rewording the way I thought of it--helped me change the negative connotations in my own mind and any resulting adverse emotions.

Yes, I think it's very normal to answer your question. I certainly did. For a while. There's no clear 'moment' in my mind when it stopped, but it did. Regular use of the healthier choice really has some effects I didn't plan on. When you do this stuff enough, it begins to have an over-all effect. It takes time. For me, much of it boiled down to self-esteem, lack of self-worth--whatever you want to call it. It's a source for me.

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I'm so use to getting my needs met just by out-bursting (which strangely I feel good after, but guilty too) that it almost seems wrong to get my needs met and get others met in a healthy way.

That out-burst gives your body and endorphin rush. A rush of feel-good neurotransmitters. It's no wonder you feel good after it. It's chemical.

It is a more even-keeled existence, life using tools. No major ups or downs. It takes some getting used to, but I actually prefer it. It's not that those parts of me are gone, I still feel all my emotions just as deeply. I just express differently and I'm happier, works for me.

That 'wrong' feeling, in my experience...does go away. But you have to work to find out your reason for thinking it's 'wrong' and untwist it--'cause doing things the healthy way Does feel good when all that gets sorted, IMO.

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Why do I not feel good about it?

Ahhhhh! The money question! That one's personal, my dear...only you will know. :D

Of course, you posting all this in "Absolutely Positively" shows something. Maybe you just think it should be positive, but maybe some part of you knows it is....

Sincerely, Keekster, nice work. Growing is difficult, please cut yourself some slack. It will take time for these things to feel 'normal' for you, and for your family to recognize it as the 'real' you. But it sounds to me like you did a fantastic job--it's time to celebrate that accomplishment and let go of the guilt. You deserve the reward here, not the punishment.

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: Communication
PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2009 11:36 pm 
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To everything stated here Harmonium, thank you. Again, sometimes I just need someone else to tell me it's okay to feel good about changes that are happening in me, in order for me to feel good about them for myself. I know that too will pass in time, and I'll reach a point where I don't need anyone else to tell me it's okay to feel good (about anything).

I'm digging deeper and doing some major reflection tonight in the tub, to find out why it bothered me so much after, and why often it does even though I'm handling it right. If the conclusion I reach is that there is no conclusion at all, then again, at least it's a conclusion right? I think I'm just thinking aloud (well, technically on computer screen) but it's nice to have a place to just shoot stuff up in the air for clarity. :)


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