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 Post subject: i've managed to stay OK for 4 days now.
PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 2:23 pm 
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Location: New York, USA
the past few days have been hell.....my ex.....again....is trying to laud power over me and is content to use my kids to hurt me. he's trying to make my daughter live with him.....even though she doesn't want to and she's 12.

So, he's manipulating her, punishing her, making her feel guilty for her choice, rejecting her, then drawing her back into him so she's really confused by her emotions.......and so she eats like a pig.

it is soooooo hard to sit back and not do anything. it is excrutiating.

On top of that...i've got a skin infection from picking at a zit......and so I'm on antibiotics.....an imbalance to my system....makes me have diarrhea......and messes with my zoloft......and b vitamins....so i'm depleted and feeling really chemically depressed.

i took 1/2 of a dose extra of zoloft today.......extra b vitamins.....and took off the afternoon to go play with my daughter at a park with the rest of her school class. that made me feel a lot better....

then i played with the puppy and got more sun and felt better still.

the other day (yesterday) i woke up in a panic......so i imagined myself a big rock with water just rushing over me. it was the only thing that has been able to calm me down.

i know that i have to learn to let all of my ex's (excrement) run right over me until he finally leaves me alone. but it is one of the hardest things for me to do.........

all that keeps me sane is trusting that one day he will get bored and leave me alone as long as i continue to not respond.

but for now.....he's taking me to court again. he told my daughter that i'm crazy and violent. he told her he always had to protect her from me.......(a complete lie).....my rage was directed at him.....and begging him to stop torturing me with lies or leave me alone and get out of my life (i was serious about that but he always laughed at me). he's going back in time over 7 years too......i'm not the same person i was.

my daughter came home on sunday and told me all of this....she was upset.....hurt........and angry. I was too....

he left us when she was 3.....then again when she was 5. the second time he was gone 2 years...no support....nothing. during that time I struggled immensely and one day i lost it with my kids....threatened suicide.....told them life wasn't worth living....i pushed my son and pulled my daughter's hair. i feel awful to this day when i remember it. i was just so miserably depressed......and it happened extremely fast that i lost my mind.....within a few minutes i was able to call my sister and tell her to come over and get the kids because i was so depressed. i had them stay with her a week.

during that episode.....my ex could have taken the kids but he didn't. he told the counselors who got involved that i couldn't have done that because i was always a good mom.....and he didn't believe i'd do that. he was lying. but still....that's what he said.

so how can he now.......7 years later.........accuse me of hurting my kids? but he is. and he's sneaky......and dishonest. i'm terrified that he's going to get the court to side with him. i think it will ruin my daughter and i can't stand to sit by and watch that happen. but i feel powerless.....

ugh. i wasn't going to talk so much. diarrhea of the mouth. ugh.


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 Post subject: Re: i've managed to stay OK for 4 days now.
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 1:07 am 
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things are better now....why?

i've been eating....

i've been outside everyday running around with the puppy.

i spent time with my sister.

i imagine i am a giant boulder and let the water just rush in and over me. i know i'm going to be ok


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 Post subject: Re: i've managed to stay OK for 4 days now.
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 4:04 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 14, 2009 4:44 pm
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Hooray!!!
Good for you, skiotter. Keep it up!


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