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 Post subject: Attending my T's workshops was okay!
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2009 9:42 am 
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I am proud of the way I handled myself last week and this week. My T gave a lecture for couples and my H and I attended. I felt "normal" with her, and I was so pleased with myself. I think I'm really "letting go" of the transference feelings for her, or at least putting them into the proper perspective. I feel attached to her, but I don't feel obsessed like I used to.

She had told me that I should NOT attend the second meeting, which was a workshop for a small number of couples, but I asked her last week and told her I'd be okay. We needed 5 couples in order for her to hold the workshop, and my H and I made 5.

So, we sat around a table and learned about reflexive listening. That was good, but for me the experience of being with my T was more interesting. She did an excellent job, and that made me feel good. It was nice and comfortable being with her, and it did not make me want to see her or call her. I view her differently in this situation, not as my T but as someone else.

These workshops were free. I wish she were doing more, but she isn't. My H and I attended the ones given by other Ts too.

It's almost 3 months since I had a session, and I still want one in another month or so. I just want to share this for those who know all about my attachment problems with my T. (or for those who don't) I'm coming to terms with the real relationship that my T and I have, while realizing that my feelings about her were real but need to be confined to the therapy room where their meaning can be discussed.


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 Post subject: Re: Attending my T's workshops was okay!
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2009 9:47 am 
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I think it's "reflective, not reflexive". One spouse tells his/her feelings about a situation to the other, and the other relects back what he/she heard. We each had a turn to do this, with my T coaching each couple. My H and I did this pretty well, but what we need next is "problem-solving" workshop, because we still have the issues. It's important to be heard, but that's only the first step. oops, sorry to take this thread out of the subject of the forum.


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 Post subject: Re: Attending my T's workshops was okay!
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2009 1:39 pm 
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Hey, wondering, I'm glad you were able to attend the workshops, which sound great in and of themselves, but also were able to be with your T and listen to her and admire her capabilities, etc., without rekindling any of the old obsessive thinking. That's a super accomplishment -- way to go!

The exercise on reflective dialogue sounds good. When my exh and I were going through marriage counseling, we were working with a T who practiced that technique (not the person who became my regular T), but my h just could not get into it at all and ultimately everything broke down. He was incapable of setting aside his own thoughts and opinions when I was speaking to him, and it was so obvious when he was reflecting back to me after it was my turn to talk that he wasn't really hearing me at all. He would say the words, but there was no real understanding about where I was coming from or why, and it was like he was so impatient to get to his turn to talk so he could refute what I had said, I never did feel validated at all. We had a chance to switch to a different marital counselor who might have had a different approach, but my h refused to do that, too. I regret not insisting, but then I guess it probably wouldn't have made any difference. Anyway, it's a good technique if both partners really give it an honest try in terms of truly listening and hearing the other's point of view.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you props for attending the workshops and handling it all so well.

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 Post subject: Re: Attending my T's workshops was okay!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 10:40 am 
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Thanks for answering, Sari. I know I shouldn't need others from the board to "pat me on the back", but I can't help wishing there were more former posters around. So I appreciate you still being here and responding to my endless "therapy relationship" issues. I still feel like BPDR is my home, but it's bittersweet that most of the "owners" are new.

I'm sorry the reflective listening didn't work between you and your ex. The problem with my H and me is that he understands perfectly well what I want, but he doesn't want to change. My T knows it's a long-term problem with us. Remember I used to post about the boxes all over my house? Nothing has changed. People suggest, including my Ts, that I "designate" a room or part of the house for his stuff. The problem is that we don't have any extra room. Someone suggested we build a shed or a garage, but my H doesn't want to. I can't throw his stuff out, either. He is going from being a packrat to a hoarder, and he does realize he has a problem.

So, I got more out of the workshop in terms of my T and me than my H and me. I LIKE my T as a person and as my T. I can tell which feelings are transference and which are really for her. I think that the transference feelings will always be with me, especially after I see her for a session, but I feel better able to handle them. At least that's where I am right now, and I still feel good about it!


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 Post subject: Re: Attending my T's workshops was okay!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 11:41 am 
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I'm not really clear on what reflective (or reflexive) listening might be but I'm glad to read you're doing better with the attachment pieces. Seeing your T in a different setting like this was probably good for you because it allows you to see her differently which can help weaken the ferocity of the attachment - though it's been noticeably lessened over the past year or so already.

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