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 Post subject: progress
PostPosted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 9:35 pm 
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I think I am progressing.

The number of times I have the 'ting' moment / the realisation is higher.
It's the clear realisation that I have BPD, and the realization of how that affects my behaviour towards certain people.

Am learning to bear with the emptiness, the deep emptiness, though sometimes it's really unbearable.

I think I'm more able to SIT WITH MY PAIN, the bpd pain that comes when all the rejection thoughts come. I find myself being able to just SIT with the pain, WATCH all the rejection thoughts that come to my mind, and NOT do anything at all (like sending frantic text messages as I would always do).

I still have them, those nasty rejection thoughts and feelings, but I guess I'm learning not to act on them. Learning to just watch them pass by and then after a while be able to recognize that it's the BPD in me that's making me have those thoughts and feelings which cause so much pain.

I think I'm progressing. It's not been easy to reach this point, it's been a struggle, a long hard struggle.

And even though this point is still a struggle, yet there is less struggle, less pain, less anguish now.

I'm so thankful to God for the progress.

Thankful to the community here where I can work out my issues and have good people giving excellent feedback.

Though there are still times when I feel like giving up, I won't.

I have come this far. I will go on.

Any of you want to share you progress?

Let's CELEBRATE our progress together!


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 Post subject: Re: progress
PostPosted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 10:15 pm 
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I've made it through three very difficult times in the last six months that I would have previously felt the desperate need to call/go see a therapist about (whoever i was seeing at the time). I haven't been seeing a therapist for a while now, although there is someone I can go see right now should I need to call, and I have not done so over these issues. I would not have been able to work things out on my own in the past at all. I now can wait, be with myself, endure the distress, and expect myself to come through for myself. I think that's got to be progress.

If I make it through my recent relationship problems with my caregiver/s and the recent blow out with my mom on my own, that will be two more major events.


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 Post subject: Re: progress
PostPosted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 8:37 am 
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Liz94 wrote:
I would not have been able to work things out on my own in the past at all. I now can wait, be with myself, endure the distress, and expect myself to come through for myself. I think that's got to be progress.

If I make it through my recent relationship problems with my caregiver/s and the recent blow out with my mom on my own, that will be two more major events.


Congratulations on your progress Liz :) many many hugs of happiness :)
It's not been easy for you, and you've come thus far :)

You will make it, have some faith :)


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 Post subject: Re: progress
PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 9:31 pm 
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Made it through the weekend with caregiver, My. (had major relationship prob there a week ago), and actually had a much better weekend than average. : )

Makin it through re: the mom issue, and still haven't called a t. : )

Yay. : ))))


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 Post subject: Re: progress
PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 10:11 pm 
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yay!!!!!! very, very glad for you!!!!!
give me five liz!


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 Post subject: Re: progress
PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2011 2:46 am 
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I've been having good days for the past one week or so.

No intense pain, no intense emotions.

Just slight emptiness, or boredom now.

yay!

Looks like doing Scripture meditation and scripture confession has helped a lot!!!!

Praise the Lord!


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 Post subject: Re: progress
PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2011 2:36 am 
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Oh I like this post. It's good to remember to reflect on our progress.

Well for me just SEEING myself for who I am is progress. I lived in denial a long time about even having a problem, meanwhile tearing my life up by the roots!

Now a days I have more good days than bad, which is a huge improvment. I recognize unhealthy behaviors, even if I don't always react the way I would like, at least I see what I did was not good for me or people around me. I usually think before I speak, which is really helping to decrease my outburst.

I'm communicating what I am feeling to my spouse so that he can know how to react to me. Like if I feel really moody or depressed I can given him a heads up to just stay out of my way until it passes. Which has really improved our relationship. :)


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 Post subject: Re: progress
PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2011 6:37 am 
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mayberry: yay to you!


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 Post subject: Re: progress
PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 12:43 pm 
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Been having recent major meltdowns with caregiver # 2 (Mc.) (Mostly self imploding type meltdowns, with a bit of acting out). Progress is that instead of keeping hidden all my extreme insecurity and neediness, I care less about a polished image of myself and more about getting well so i can move on, get over it, get to a better place in life. Desperately need that better place.

Also, last Thursday I had probably the biggest melt down ever with her. Was having *huge* anxiety/freaking out over the weekend and before she came today thinking she hates me, will leave me, im a terrible person, i'll never get well, this is so unfair, etc.....Had no idea what to do. Before she came, i told myself that I don't have to have everyone like me. That's childish to need that. I can survive her not liking me if it's true. I dont need reassurance. I can be an adult. Just went on about the day, sent her shopping so we coudl have some distance from eachother. I can survive this.


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 Post subject: Re: progress
PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:40 am 
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Did not collapse with my weekend caregiver this week regarding feeling invalidated by my doctor last Thursday and questioning myself. Didnt ask her opinion of him, didnt go over the conversation. Didnt seek her comfort. Had a *horrible* weekend trying to find myself, had very big physical and emotional distress, did *not* feel comforted by myself, but preferred struggling to find myself over depending on someone else's validation to feel better.

Maybe I don't need my doctor to agree with me or to even like me (although if he does have negative feelings toward me they probably arent near what i would imagine). Maybe I don't even have to like him. Maybe I don't have to feel certain about what I am or am not capable of (ie - i can i continue with this hard, strict diet? or is it too much? Is the burden too much? Or am I a wimp?.........or somewhere in the middle?), maybe I still exist anyway even if I dont have these questions resolved. Maybe I dont even have to be certain of what happened in that transaction with him, or how I feel for sure. I'll continue with his program to the best of my ability for now until my next appointment. That's my priority. That and working on getting help from Mom for the bigger treatments I want. Can deal with other stuff later.

Totally losing the desire for someone to "help me through" the parts of my life where I feel like I'm a bad person or I dont exist or can't cope. I cant stand how it makes me feel when I dont have that part of me inside of me when that helping person isn't there. It's a wretched life without me being there for me. I don't feel confident i can find myself. I can't find me! But I can't/dont want to tolerate anymore how it is when Im not there for me.

Can't find me right now.....waffling about continuing to ask mom for help with the bigger treatment i want. i HATE IT when i cant find myself!!!!!!!!! ...So...thought I'd acknowledge the progress i *have* done. The ways that I *have been there* for myself. I can do this.


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 Post subject: Re: progress
PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:43 am 
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Liz94 wrote:
...thought I'd acknowledge the progress i *have* done. The ways that I *have been there* for myself. I can do this.


meaning what I did over the weekend in not turning to caregiver to talk about last week's dr. appt. This is very different for me.


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 Post subject: Re: progress
PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 1:50 pm 
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Thank you all for being here. It is really heartening to hear about people's progress. Lately I have been feeling like everything is a double edged sword. When I think of hope on one hand I think it is hollow and a denial of reality and on the other hand I think it is empty space where something new can be created. I know that I am making progress but it feels slow. I wish that I could move faster but I can't. The whole idea of radical acceptance has been really helpful as has knowing that I am not alone.


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