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 Post subject: My recovery journey
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 8:17 am 
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***trigger warning ***

My life, like many people's lives on here, has not been a picnic.

I was a loner; an outsider. I came from a home with two dysfunctional adults trying to raise a family but didn't really know how. My childhood was filled with many different types of abuse, mostly physical and emotional but I was also the "surrogate spouse" who knew too much about my parent's sex life from a very young age.

I was molested by a family friend when I was 7. I told my mum and we never spoke about it again. Not until I was 14 and photos of me appeared on the Internet. I was bullied mercilessly for that and for other things and ended up with a physically and emotionally abusive boyfriend. He was a depraved boy who is now in jail for pedophilia.

My dad only knew how to beat us and my mother only knew how to strip us of our self worth. We lived poorly due to my father's gambling and we were neglected in many ways. I spent a weekend in a foster home after a beating and it was, in some ways, the best of my life.

I was 15 when I fell pregnant. 16 when I had an abortion and the night of the abortion my boyfriend raped me while I cried. And the abuse didn't stop. I let it continue. And then, when I was attacked (physically) by him, I apologized for hurting him. I ended it finally but just ended up with the same person in a different body.

I can write all this and acknowledge, for the first time, just how painful all this was. I can say, this hurt; this was wrong. I've never really been able to do that.

I was diagnosed last year with BPD after a nervous breakdown. I was forced to evaluate myself and I began therapy intent on making a new, happy life for myself. I have embraced recovery with vigor and desire to live. Not just survive. My past will not own me anymore. I limited my contact with my toxic mother, cut out toxic people from my life, set boundaries and embraced DBT. Those techniques saved my life. I don't know all the answers, but now I have better coping mechanisms in place to deal with that.

Today, my psychologist told me our sessions need not continue. She told me she wanted to applaud me for how far I've come. Funny thing was, I didn't need her validation. I already knew.

Life will go on and there may be setbacks. I'm conscious of the fact that my journey is not over; that it's just begun. I'm so excited for this phase in my life and this forum has been a godsend when times were really tough. Each one of you have given me clarity, inspiration and strength and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you and don't ever give up. You are worth happiness! and now finally I can say; so am I.

Jess


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 Post subject: Re: My recovery journey
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 3:14 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:48 pm
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Hey Jade!

Way to go girl!!
Im at work so no time to write but wanted to say something

Hugs
Krokus


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 Post subject: Re: My recovery journey
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 2:20 am 
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Thanks Krokus!!
I hope all is well, and you are happy :)

Been mighty quiet on the forums lately!!
Xx


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 Post subject: Re: My recovery journey
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:07 am 
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Yes i have.

Im locked inside my head these days. Im functioning ok but am very detatched. I think im making progress but i couldnt say for sure. I have improved my financial situation. Simplified my life. So there are tangible positive results. I feel the benefit from them. Im trying.

Krokus


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 Post subject: Re: My recovery journey
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:20 pm 
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Don't be discouraged, Krokus.

That was the first phase of my recovery- I think I needed to detach myself so that I could learn what was healthy to attach to.

We all go through this in different ways, don't be so hard on yourself.

Improving your financial situation is a HUGE step and you should be really proud. In fact, any step is a huge step!

I didn't really start improving until I started DBT. I was so scared that it would be this really intense and scary process but it actually turned out to be just the opposite. BUT even with DBT, I had to really want to get better and really hold myself accountable for my actions. I know you have it in you. The way I see it - most of us here have gone through some pretty horrible stuff, and we've had to use all sorts of mechanisms to get through it. Now, they helped us survive, and we found our strength to go on, so now, even though those particular mechanisms aren't helpful, we still have that strength inside us to learn new ones.

I have faith in you, Krokus.


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