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 Post subject: Every day is a new victory!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:05 pm 
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Starting this topic as motivation to myself to continue the good trend I am on.

My last breakdown was Tuesday, around noon. It was a REALLY bad one, I screamed, cut, locked myself in a bathroom. It was when something clicked on inside me that said if I ever want to have a real life, if I don't want to lose *everything* worth having in life, I better do something NOW.

And then I researched, then I found this site, then I found information that opened up whole new ways of thinking and of dealing with this.

Have not had another breakdown since Tuesday at noon. Have felt more energized, more in control than I have in a long long time, maybe ever.

But its the nature of the beast that I get better for a little bit, get euphoric, convince myself it's all over, then fall down again, only to have to struggle even harder to come back, having been so demoralized.

So I'm not going to give in to the fallacy that a switch has been flicked and now I'm fine. I know it's not that simple, that I have a lot of hard work ahead of me.

This thread is a record of my progress. While of course I hope there will be no more breakdowns or bad spells to record, even if there are, I want to stay focused and know that I am heading towards a goal, and pick myself back up and keep going.

My first goal- a week without a breakdown. Next Tuesday at noon with no breakdowns, emotional lapses in judgment, or anxiety attacks.


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 Post subject: Re: Every day is a new victory!
PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 11:54 am 
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Hi ShadowChaser. Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you've been going through a challenging time lately, but are determined to make progress. Good luck on reaching your goal. be careful not to beat yourself up too much if you slip up (even just a little bit). "Emotional lapses in judgement" is kind of a vague term, and I think everyone experiences some form of this on a regular basis, but it depends on what you mean by it.

ShadowChaser wrote:
But its the nature of the beast that I get better for a little bit, get euphoric, convince myself it's all over, then fall down again, only to have to struggle even harder to come back, having been so demoralized.




The struggle is hard after mistakes/slip-ups, especially in the beginning of your trek towards progress-because you have to learn to cope with those challenges in new ways and keep trying new ways to find what works for you. But once you figure it out, it'll "click", trust me. Keep us posted. Best.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:10 pm 
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I realize everyone has emotional lapses in judgment, that it is totally normal to think a certain way cause you're cold and hungry, or frustrated with someone else, and not see things as they really are.

I guess whats wrong with my "emotional lapses" is they lose all perspective completely. I don't just snap at someone cause I'm tired, I convince myself they're a monster and I scream at them and cry and think my life is over.
Obviously not healthy.

But I am happy to report, another day with no problems! :D


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:59 pm 
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I'm glad to hear that, SC! Try to remember that even if you do have an "emotional lapse", you don't lose all you've worked for. It's a set back. No more, no less. I still have trouble with that. When I have a BPD reaction to something, I instantly start to think that I've been fooling myself about how well I'm doing. I've gotten better at not allowing myself to fall down that hole.

Just remember, no one's perfect. We just do our best.

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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. -- Goethe


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 8:41 am 
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I know rationally that most likely I am going to have setbacks and breakdowns. I am still pumped because this is the first week I've been really doing anything about my problems, and so far the actions I'm taking seem to be working. But I don't kid myself a time will come when they'll fail me, so I am focusing on applauding every day I make some progress, so I can rationally look at myself after having fallen down and say "see? You still did this. So next time, I can do even more."

It's about rebuilding my mental and emotional strength. Like flexing the muscles of self control that I kind of let atrophy. Looking back, now that I'm rational, at how much I thought was okay, how many emotional lapses of judgement I deemed acceptable to have, I see that I let myself fall down a slippery slope. The more I said "well, I'm having a bad day. I'm entitled to cry" which then turned into "well, today is a worse day, so I'm entitled to scream and yell" the worse it got. I started thinking I simply wasn't strong enough to NOT break down once a week, then twice a week, then every single day.

Now I'm telling myself I AM strong enough, I DO have the control, and so far, it's working.

Sunday morning and no breakdowns! The weekend tends to be toughest for me, I don't know why, maybe because dynamics change, Mom's home, Josh is home, routines shift, I'm not sure. But generally my pattern has always been bad breakdowns saturday night through sunday afternoon, sometimes continuing almost nonstop with crying and destructive behavior through till monday or tuesday. Last night however I was okay, and this morning, even having had a stressful, uncomfortable discussion with my mother (she wanted to talk about my relationship with Josh, and I am not comfortable discussing the details of it with most people, except for my brother), and making the bad judgment call of drinking caffeine, I am still very much in control. And intend to stay there. If I can make it till work without a problem, I will be fine until evening.

Like my topic says, every day is a new victory, I'm taking it one day at a time, like carrying a heavy load up a hill, one step at a time, and if I stumble, it's just a matter of starting up again.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 3:42 pm 
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This is why I love coming to this site and reading the new posts. SC, you've got so much "fight" in you...so inspiring. One day at a time...


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 7:09 pm 
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Way to go, ShadowChaser - even with the 'test' of the conversation with your mom earlier...!

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Do one thing every day that scares you.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 7:34 pm 
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Oddly right here near my goal I am struggling. Made a thread actually in twisted thoughts forum about it. I am still okay, I didn't break down, I think I WILL reach my goal.

But not feeling so well at all tonight. :(


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 6:03 am 
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I read your words in Twisted this morning, SC - I wanted to tell you how awesome I think you're doing! How're your thoughts today?

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Do one thing every day that scares you.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:59 pm 
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I made it a week! I made my first goal, with only a little hitch at the end, but I overcame it!

Now my next goal is to go two weeks. But if I can't do it, if something happens, if I give in, I will still know I have achieved a week of healthy emotions, and if I can do it once, I can do it again!

Today I am okay. I'm sick, I worked ten and a half hours today, and tomorrow I talk to my Dad about college money. I don't even know where to begin. How do you convey to someone that you are asking them to do the most important thing they have ever done for you? How do I even begin to convey that?

And as I talked about in "five steps", my Dad is a reason I am where I am emotionally, he's extremely rocky emotionally himself, and we tend often to be like oil and water. Or rather, like oil and fire I guess, since sometimes it seems like anything at all can spark off a breakdown hysteria fit on either of our parts,

So wish me luck. :)


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:33 pm 
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Wow...I had an exceptionally good day! I talked to Dad and stayed calm and everything went as well as humanly possible!

Another day successfully completed with no breakdowns. :)


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 Post subject: Re: Every day is a new victory!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 2:04 pm 
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Just to update- I did make it two weeks without a breakdown. Unfortunately soon after I did have a little backslide, but I'm optimistic for the future. Backslides are going to happen, I know, and I got it out of the way. I know I'm not perfectly healed, but I'm much closer than I was before to controlling my emotions.

My next goal, of course, is three weeks without a breakdown. It has now been since Friday afternoon- 48 hours ago, for me having a breakdown. Here's to making it to three weeks!


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