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 Post subject: The Choice that changed my life
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:24 am 
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I want to share with all of you, with anyone who is interested, what I did to change everything. Obviously I can't say what the future will hold. How long I'll be able to go free of breakdowns or backslides, but the coping method I developed I can already consider a smashing success for me, regardless of what tomorrow brings, because of what it's already brought me. I'm not sure this is ultimately the right forum for this, if you want it moved somewhere, let me know. :)

Two weeks ago today I was in Toronto, with Josh, who lives there. I had come to visit because he asked, but the past few days had been nothing but miserable breakdowns and fights. It's a scene familiar to many of you. I was screaming at the top of my lungs at him, over I don't even remember what. I locked myself in his bathroom and took a pair of those little pointy bathroom scissors and slashed my arm with them. I begged him to kill me. I finally unlocked the door and he came in and sat with me and looked at me with such pity and pain as I have never seen in his eyes, as I told him how I wanted to die right then.

Of course he did not let me do anything to myself, and he sat with me and after a time I went from telling him how I was going to kill myself, to telling him I was going to get help for myself, whatever it took.

I didn't really believe anything would make any difference, but I had to do something or my life was going to unravel.

Having no immediate alternatives, I spent the afternoon online, researching. When I came up with BPD as a dead ringer for what I was going through, I was terrified. I wanted to breakdown right then and there and scream and cry because all the websites seemed to be essentially telling me it was a death sentence. That it would be a lifelong struggle, I would never find peace from it.

But I kept going because I couldn't let myself believe that this was it. And I found bpdrecovery.com.

Most of the rest of my day was taken up by reading the articles on this site. I found a new level of determination as I carefully read over these instructions for how to handle my crises.

It may have to do with how my mind is ordered. I don't know if it would impact everyone quite as profoundly as it is did me. But somewhere inside me I knew there was something here that if I could just put it all together just right, would help. So I spent hours taking notes and developing a method, a routine, my own personal therapy plan, utilizing almost everything put forth on this website.

I certainly didn't expect it to be a cure-all, and I had all sorts of contingencies built in, before breakdowns, during breakdowns, after breakdowns. I basically put my mind on a constant Yellow Alert, monitoring constantly for signs of another breakdown or anxiety attack, and ready with all sorts of *actions* to take against it when I found it. I am VERY action oriented. I think the thing that helped most was knowing ahead of time what I was going to do if something happened. Not having that feeling of helplessness and worthlessness, but feeling that breakdowns are all a part of the expected landscape I was sailing through, and simply had to be dealt with.

Since that Tuesday, I've gone two weeks without breaking down. In those two weeks I have talked my very belligerant father into helping me financially so I can go back to school in the fall, I have asked my boss to let me go fulltime, instead of my free time being spent binge eating and watching TV or playing games I have spent a fair bit of time learning about things I used to love and haven't researched in years and years. And Josh and I have had the most peaceful two weeks of our entire two year relationship.

The real reason I'm writing all this is I'd like to share what I came up with. Again, I certainly can't promise it'll help, or that it'll have such a dramatic effect as it did on me, but I would hope it could maybe make a difference to some of you. I think we understand each other's struggles more than anyone who hasn't known them themselves ever will, and I want to help, however I can.

This is what I do:

I started out with three papers I kept with me at ALL times.

One is a master sheet. It has copies of some of the information on here on it, as well as the directions to follow for my method.


One was a sheet of paper with space to record my mood at 5 intervals during the day, and I fit 6 days ordered in that way on a sheet. Just the date at the top of each list, then times- 8 a, 12p, 4p, 8p, 12a, with lines next to them. At those times (or as close as I could get to them, I wouldn't stop work to write them down or anything, but just whenever was convenient) I would write down my current mood. If it was any sort of negative mood, anger, anxiety, sadness, etc, I had, written on the master sheet "How do I feel right now?" followed by the steps outlined here: http://www.bpdrecovery.com/modules.php?name=Content&pa=showpage&pid=38

After having had no breakdowns for the first week, I stopped recording my moods. The mood recorder was basically an early warning system, and worked well to prevent bad moods from snowballing into breakdowns. If I caught myself feeling anxious or upset, generally following the steps above would dissipate the mood. But after a week of that degree of tight control over my moods, I found I was feeling sufficiently in control of my moods to dissipate them for the most part without that degree of attention to them, so dropped this step.

The third and most important piece of paper is what I call my HALT sheet. Even though I don't actually utilize the Hungry Angry Lonely Tired part, having HALT in big letters written at the top helps psychologically to halt the racing mind and focus on de-escalating.

Below "HALT" it's basically a form to fill out, to go along with the directions on the master sheet. My process goes like this-


1. Write down the problem on sheet

2. List twisted thoughts related to current problem on sheet (I have a list of the twisted thoughts on my master sheet, each with numbers, so I would just write down the corresponding number on the sheet)

3. Master sheet's directions then state "follow all ways to untwist that apply", so the next several steps are following the untwisting methods in order. Most specifically, I always-

a. write down all facts related to the problem
b. talk to myself quietly, in a way I would address a friend coming to me with this problem.
c. If this is an action I am frightened of, I determine if it makes sense to go ahead and do it to assuage my fears.
d. rank, on a scale of 0-100, the severity of the issue
e. Determine if the issue is worth asking an objective friend about
f. Write down how my mind originally stated the issue, then re-write it with more neutral or positive language.
g. Write down all different factors related to the issue (this is pretty similiar to "examining the evidence" but I go into more detail here on how I feel, or another person involved feels, etc, instead of just the cold facts)

4. This brings me to the bottom of page one of the HALT sheet, and at the bottom is written, in bold "There is no advantage to anxiety, only to right actions". I repeat that to myself until I have convinced myself it's true and implanted it in my mind.

5. Then I go to the back of the sheet, where there is space to write down three possible actions I could take, and the pros and cons of them. Generally the first action I write down is the one my old self would have taken. Such as "scream and yell and demand I have my way." Writing that down, followed by the pros (what little there are!) and cons helps me to recognize this is a ridiculously illogical way to approach the issue. Then I write down two more ways of dealing with it, and circle the one that is best.

6. The 6th instruction on my master sheet is to "Take Action". Reading this helps me to remind myself to stay firm to taking whatever action I decided on, even if it's taking no action at all, and no longer focus on any of the less desirable methods of dealing. As I stated, I am a very pro-active person, so having come to this point of knowing what I am going to do, and reminding myself I MUST do that, helps to create closure in my mind on the issue at hand.

At the bottom of the Halt sheet it tells me "If breakdown is severe, employ Vertical Arrow" (again with the pro-active, battle oriented ways of looking at the problem, seems to be a very motivational way for my to deal with my issues, whether psychological or physical). Vertical Arrow technique is found here- http://www.bpdrecovery.com/modules.php?name=Content&pa=showpage&pid=42&page=8

Essentially, if it's still not resolved, I can go for a deeper level of untwisting to understand overcome the problem.

So there it is! The method I came up with that's been such a phenomenal aid to me in changing my outlook on life. I hope it can be of some help to others, too. [/url][/list]


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 9:03 am 
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I find your level of dedication and ability to organize your recovery work extremely impressive! Thanks for sharing it, and I'm glad it's working!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 6:11 pm 
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Wow, SC, that's quite an amazing story! I don't think I've ever met anyone so organized and methodical in the approach before. I'm so glad it's all working out for you.

Please keep us posted on how things are going. Please also know that you have support and friends here for any stumbles or rough patches. Three sheets are great; sometimes a hug (even a virtual one) is even better. ;)

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 6:13 pm 
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Very cool. :)

I think sometimes those of us who have been here a while forget about the great positive helpful resources on this site beyond the forum. Not just the list of tools visible from the forum, but some of the stuff not visible from the forum. I think your post is a good reminder for us to look at that stuff when looking for examples and such. As well as being itself a good example.

I'm glad you shared. :)

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 6:26 pm 
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Wow. I'm feeling a bit like an underachiever now. ;) I'm just kidding. I am so glad to hear you found tools that could help you. After a while, you won't need the sheets anymore. The tools will eventually just start working in your head with little thought. Practice is what gets you there, though, and you seem to get it! :)

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 Post subject: Re: The Choice that changed my life
PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 10:26 pm 
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Aww thanks guys. It's definitely not easy. Had a reality check last night that I can't let my guard down. But even with breaking down last night and being upset by various issues tonight, I'm still in control of my emotions. And the help you've given just by being here is a crucial part of the whole process to be honest. Even though it's not a part of my "method", often when I am upset, either before or after filling out my Halt sheet, I come here, because focusing on this forum, whether posting my own threads, or responding to others, has a very calming effect. :)


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 Post subject: Re: The Choice that changed my life
PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 1:38 pm 
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Even "normal" people have breakdowns. It's what you do with them that counts. I'm glad you've found things to calm you.

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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. -- Goethe


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 Post subject: Re: The Choice that changed my life
PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 1:57 pm 
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Thanks Trinity. :)

I know everyone has breakdowns, it's not like the rest of the world lives emotionless lives. Nor should I be aiming to eliminate all emotion from my life, I know.

But it can be a hard tightrope to walk because it's so hard for me to control any negative emotions I have. They all seem to balloon into something way over the top of where I should be.

I am very anxious today, and I went through my routine and it did help, but the anxiety didn't go away I have just kept it in check. I think it is a large combination of things but I just wish it would go away. It's Easter and I am trying to have a good day and I'll have spells where I feel fine, then get all anxious again. Maybe it is hormonal, I know I am around a week or maybe even less from my period. *shrugs*


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