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 Post subject: I want to be a MF rock star
PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2008 11:28 pm 
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to my super hot aged rock star man. I can't stand it anymore- now I think I want to do him! Every time my boyfriend is tired, like right now and bitching even at the sound of my typing I want to screw my rock star former co-worker just because he doesn't live with me and I can adore him and tell him when it's time to go!

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 Post subject: Re: I want to be a MF rock star
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2008 6:14 am 
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Hey, little ermine ~

I'm just a community member here, but I don't see how this topic fits in with this: "Practice accepting yourself & celebrate your recovery achievements through positive self-talk."

You really sound kind of all over the place the past couple days. You've even said as much. Like, overwhelmed with emotion - even tho it may feel spectacular. Maybe you wanna find some balance...?


respectfully and somewhat concerned,
~ jr

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 Post subject: Re: I want to be a MF rock star
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2008 1:30 pm 
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jr wrote:
I'm just a community member here, but I don't see how this topic fits in with this: "Practice accepting yourself & celebrate your recovery achievements through positive self-talk."


I don't know how it fits either- maybe I am accepting myself finally because I'm laughing and crying right now at the same time. My family is so god damn dysfunctional- I'm dysfunctional- I'm functioning for the unfunctionable. My parents must be disappointed in me. My brothers are all successful, one is even a "genius", the other a doctor, and I'm just this idiot. My mother used to take my drawings to work when I was a kid to show her coworkers. I felt like she took something from me so I started to destroy them and write F U all over them and things like "mom I know you're looking at this so F U!" Maybe she really wasn't looking at them, maybe she only did it once or twice and I'd gotten paraniod and continued to believe that she'd looked at them. They were all she had to show for of me, that's how I felt. I was suicidal since I was a child- I used to tell my grandmother that I wished I was dead. I lived with her for a while until she died- she fell down a flight of stairs after she'd escorted me out the door for school. My mother used to drive me to school, it was like the least she could do seeing as she wasn't really my mother at all. My grandmother used to put salt water in the corner and tell me that my guardian angel was crying because I used to swing my feet under the table at breakfast and she said the devil swings on little girl's feet. This was her way of teaching me manners, but she could have said something normal like "Young ladies don't swing their feet under the table" I mean what kind of grandmother goes thru the insane trouble of planting fake angel tears to trick their granddaughter into believing that there is a holy war going on over table etiquette? She also used to barricade the apartment door at night after my grandfather had died. She'd move a shelf in front of the door and she put his gun on top of the shelf for protection. I always thought that was stupid because if someone did break in, if they didn't have a gun to begin with she was essentially giving them a gun to kill us with. I didn't sleep well about this and I got in trouble a few times because I'd eat when I woke up, usually chocolate, which did not help the situation. I'm sure the angels were crying about that too. My brother was put in a mental hospital in virginia when he was 19 because he'd tried to kill himself because my parents forced him to join the naval academy.

...and right now it's all a breeze funny for me, it's just so sick it's funny. I talked about before laughing to cope and I'm beyond coping right now I'm in the stratosphere looking for a star to make my MF rockstar! I want to roll in hair until my pores bleed hair. I put some of the hair in an old salsa container so it would be less offensive to keep on the coffee table. Over the weekend I put the hair on the dining room table while my boyfriend and two of his buddies were eating. It's still like stuck to the table cloth- i think I'm going to have to wash it. I just wish I had someone to talk to.

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 Post subject: Re: I want to be a MF rock star
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2008 4:08 pm 
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We're here, little ermine.

Yep, your grandmother sounds like quite the, um, eccentric?
presstoe wrote:
I mean what kind of grandmother goes thru the insane trouble of planting fake angel tears to trick their granddaughter into believing that there is a holy war going on over table etiquette?

< smile >


FCRS [former-coworker-rock-star] sounds important to you - as does hair (you use it in art, right?) Why do you suppose it's important that you display his hair around the home you share with your bf, presstoe?

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 Post subject: Re: I want to be a MF rock star
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2008 6:00 pm 
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Presstoe, I'm concerned for you, too. You sound as though you're bouncing off the walls and I'm scared that you'll do something you'll end up regretting. Please, please, please call your doctor. If you're manic, you need help getting that under control.

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 Post subject: Re: I want to be a MF rock star
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2008 6:17 pm 
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Thanks for the support guys! Actually there is a logical reason for the dispersion of the hair. It's attention seeking at it's finest and most absurd. My boyfriend like to play video games and watch TONS of TV, and this guy we shall call rockstar exhibit K is introspective, practices meditation, he's also a recovered addict in that he's really NOT using, unlike the boyfriend. (he has to take a piss test weekly and is on some medicine for his previous addiction to some kind of painkillers) But I play with the hair with other people too, so in that case I just find it a fun point of conversation and then there is my "private self" with the hair. All jokes aside I do small the hair and have fantasies surrounding the hair. The hard from rockstar exhibit K has grey mixed in to it and I love to look at the grey hairs, imagine each one deciding the exact moment to cease the production of pigment. And my own grey hairs, which cluster in the right corner of my forehead, and when they decided to stop producing pigment and why grey hairs are so course. I'm still baffled that he let me cut his hair- it was a huge leap of trust because he's very into his hair, it was the most nerve-racking haircut I'd ever given because he demanded each snip be precise! He said it still had to look rock and roll but just be a little shorter all around and while I was cutting I told him that his directions were making me nervous and he told me that he was in the zone of trust because he could tell I was doing a good job!

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