BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Over the past several years, BPDR has slowly shifted into something that it was never originally intended to become: a model emulating a corporate bureaucracy.

To that end, I'd like to re-state the basics of what BPDR is and does. This means that there will be some basic changes to the way things have been handled and viewed over the past few weeks, months and years.

Firstly, you may notice that several of the Announcements in this forum have disappeared.

The goal of recovery from borderline personality disorder, as we see it, is to be able to function in the greyness of the real world in such a way that there is a large degree of healthy, happy living taking place. It is, therefore, counterproductive to that goal of "living in the grey" for BPDR to promote and enforce specific sets of black-and-white rules.

The "Sanctions & Warnings" are gone.

There is no longer a tiered or systemic approach to time-outs or indefinite bans.

The "Rules of Engagement" are now referred to as "BPDR Basics."

There is no list of do's or don't's with regard to threads being locked, members being reprimanded, or anything else, really.

BPDR is a peer support group, not a Fortune 500 company.

Every group has a leader (or leaders) and BPDR will continue to have a Community Leadership team. There are not going to be, however, instances where "the union steward enters negotiations with management to come up with new contracts." This community is - by and large - premised on my personal vision for what the tools being offered and discussed here bring to the recovery-from-BPD table.

Recovery is a process and a journey that is unique to all individuals. There is no "From Point A to Point B to Point C" roadmap. This is a non-linear journey that will take people however much time it takes them in whatever route they find works for them.

To that end, BPDR is helpful to people who are at a specific place in their journey toward and maintenance of recovery, or healthy happy living. BPDR is a peer support group designed to:

• introduce the Tools to everyone who comes to BPDR
• provide peer support and a recovery focus to those interested in working with those Tools while at BPDR
• practice healthy, happy living

Again, because of the nature of everyone's unique and individual approach to and timetable for recovery, we fully recognize that not everyone will be at the same place at the same time. BPDR is intended for the following people:

• newbies who need a settling-in period to get acclimated to the Tools
• those who've embraced the Tools but would like / benefit from peer support in working with them
• those who've achieved some level of mastery of the Tools into their daily lives and are willing to offer peer support to others in earlier stages of the recovery journey.

BPDR is not for everyone at every time in every situation. No website or online community can reasonably expect to or promise to deliver such a thing.

If you are brand-new to the concept of BPD and aren't quite sure which way to turn, you are welcome to poke around to see if what we offer here will work for you.

BPDR is very focused on a Cognitive Based Therapy (CBT) approach and we believe, very fundamentally, in the Existential Paradox:

In order for BPDR - its tools and peer support group with a recovery focus - to be effective and helpful for you, it's best that you're in a place within your personal journey of recovery where you are ready to confront your old ways of thinking, your old patterns of behaviour and make some very base-level changes. You are basically being asked to change all that you've known and done your whole life in order to secure healthy coping mechanisms for daily living to lead you to a place of happy living.

Change can be scary and many people aren't quite ready for such immense undertakings. This is perfectly understandable. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you're not quite ready to be at BPDR just yet. We'll still be here for you if or when you are ready to be here and tackle the awesome responsibilities of who we've each become and all the things we say and do.

What does all of this mean?

It means that some people may be asked to leave - for as little as an hour, for two weeks, indefinitely. It means that people who are more interested in being borderline than recovering from borderline will be asked to leave. As always, anyone asked to leave will always be welcome to return when they are able to demonstrate their personal accountability, respect for the BPDR community's focus on major life improvements through the CBT-based Tools sponsored here and dedication to achieving healthy happy living.

The Tools promoted at BPDR are CBT-based but they are not exclusionary. You may find this one is more effective for you than that one. You may find that a slightly different version (maybe with a DBT name) works better for you. As long as you are focused on recovery (aka healthy happy living), are willing to work within the premise of the Existential Paradox and can accept BPDR for what it is and offers, you are welcome here no matter what modality of therapy you may embrace offline.

There is more to BPDR than just the discussion forums. I encourage you to take a look at the full website's offerings, including the FAQs.

As mentioned, there will be very, very few rigid rules and very minimal structure around time-outs. This means that BPDR will operate in the grey, without black-and-white "if you do this, then that will happen" on a systemic level. Boundaries and consequences will still be communicated and enforced but there is no longer a growing Rule Book to point to and/or hide behind / skate around. BPDR will rely more heavily on common sense, judgment calls and wisdom of past experiences to guide each other in our peer support, recovery focused journeys.

Recognizing that this may be a tremendous shift for some of the longer-time community members to comprehend, absorb, understand and/or accept, I will make myself as available as possible for any questions or concerns that you may have as we move forward. (As far as I'm concerned, this "move forward" is actually more of a "return to our roots, our beginning.")

For new members of BPDR first entering the community, please feel free to ask questions as the need arises but remember that you begin here as a welcome individual. The basic internet guidelines still apply: show respect, be courteous, disagree without flaming/attacking, etc. First and foremost, know that you will always receive feedback at BPDR in one form or another.

I am still quite new here, but I breathed a sigh of relief as I read this. I have been trying to keep up with and understand a number of different threads that seem to have culminated in this, but was getting a little confused (and that would be one of my characterisitc minimizations!) Thanks for the refreshing new sense of clarity! Sometimes a good sweeping out is just what a place needs!

Thanks for posting these Ash. I have adopted a few of these basics and use them everyday. I also keep a copy of them in my purse. :) :)

Excellent posting!

Looks like you covered all the issues ... hope this works well for bpdr.

Hi, it is my first visit here so first - hello :o)
Glad to hear of a place where people can come to to work on their selves and recover from what is holding them back in their lives from living full life as healthy and happy human beings.

Reading the required basic post before entering the forum or community I have ran into this sentence:

"It means that people who are more interested in being borderline than recovering from borderline will be asked to leave"

This made me feel very bad. Like criticism of people who do not manage their borderline behavior.
It is only acceptible that people who do not manage to succeed at even a certain level of being borderline just cannot be here because they may cause others pain and hurt.
That is not the problem - only the criticism of people who are in such pain that they don't even manage to break free of it and are being viewed as people who don't want to.

I am also not saying that there are people who do not want to - as nobody can tell what another really wants or not in this situation.
You cannot just tell by behavior that these guys don't want to without risking that your very criticism - even thought it sounds minor to you - or right to you - may trigger more suicidal behavior in them - and if that is not enough - they will not even have this forum to come and turn to help because they may feel betrayed by you.

Sorry if that sounds harsh... you're dealing with borderline people here - that's sensitive girls and guys that can spot criticism and judgement from the inner ouf your innermost unconciousness and react as thought you've conciously meant to hurt them personally... ;o)

Best wishes

Quest, I can see how it would seem/sound harsh and I've been told I'm harsh a few times. Please note that it doesn't say "at the very first instance of mildly inappropriate conduct, you will be banned for life." We are very understanding and offer many chances (some would say too many) to get the focus on recovery. Some other portions of the message which may have been lost in the whirlwind of emotion surrounding the words about "being asked to leave" include:



The key difference we're looking for: is a person here to work on getting better or are they here to whine about how badly life sucks, how horrible people around them are and/or create, incite & encourage drama? Both the former and the latter may take some time to make themselves apparent. Words may come easily but it is usually the pattern of actions that reveal a person's true intentions. In other words, it usually takes time and noticeable disruptive, inappropriate, unacceptable behaviour towards other community members on a regular basis.

Does that help any?

"It's usually the pattern of actions" - I think differently:
For example "when a woman says no - what's what she means" stems from that.

People can be very literal - sometimes you have to listen to way they say.

For example - if a person is saying 'everyone around me behave so damn badly, i dislike this world, i want to kill myself, i try not to think these thoughts or feel these feelings, i try to believe i can be strong enough, but even if i am, there are so many who wouldn't be, i dislike this world and nature that feeds itself on itself' - i don't think they are here to rant

i do think you do not have answers to their questions
for example - a woman that said no... but wasn't heard
and now she doesn't know how will she have children if her children can turn the same etc

I know what you mean.
I can see your point.

it's just - when you do not have the answer - you turn to harsh judgement and blame of the person that they don't WANT to change...

i know your intentions are good and kind otherwise you would not have invested so much time in being in a forum dedicated as aid for people to aid themselves and i'm all in positive mind and heart concerning what is on here

just that blame and judgement... we've all here had enough
non of us can take more )

The rest - detention to people who get too destructive, it's harsh but is there another way? Maybe, when there will be - i guess you will use it because you want what is best for the people (i assume lol)

Have a great weekend and thank you for your reply

It's not that we kick people out because we don't have the answers. We ask people to leave when they are in a prolonged state of distress and causing a marked disturbance to other community members to preserve BDPR as a safe place to work on healthy, happy living. If someone is incapable of working on healthy, happy living, it can't be force-fed to them and the rest of those who are actively engaged in the work should be allowed to continue their work.