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I guess I will call this progress. When I joined this forum I really had no idea what BPD was, only that I was suspected of having it. I did not get it. How could I have BPD and have functioned so well for so long. Then I really took a look at exactly how well I had functioned all this time. So well that I have completely abandoned previous lives, husbands, careers, cities. I completely remake myself every 3 to 6 years. Other than family I have not one friend that has followed me from one life to another.
Now I am marriage #3 to a wonderful devoted man doing his best to understand me. Have a 16 y/o D and 13 Y/o S who both accept me as I am and know that I have their best interest first in all decisions that I have made. I have a house, community involvement, even some women I would consider friends (not real good at being a friend- not much practice). When I screwed up big time in my husbands business I began to fall into old habits of hiding issues, lying about the state of our finances, and not trusting him to help me fix things. I really thought I could pull things out given enough time. But the anxiety and the stress were getting to me. Depression began to set in hard because I feared his abandonment if he found out just what I had been hiding. I could not imagine his wanting to stay married if I were not a part of the business but I hated feared and had no training in finances which was my number one responsibility.
When things came to a head the only way I saw to save the business was with my insurance money. I was worth more dead than alive. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of my children having to leave this storybook life and be split up returning to their two fathers. But I knew I needed help so I went to the hospital. If I was going to abandoned I was going to be at a safe place when it happened.
Anyway... I am no longer trying to get it. I think I got a pretty good grasp on what this is. I see the event that triggered the BPD. My dad dying at age five and that abandonment that I felt as the entire family reeled to deal with his sudden death. From a post I wrote I found that now my biggest struggle in my identity now. Am I a warrior - strong, capable, able to make decisions for myself. Or am I that child that hid deep inside me and wants to be taken care of, wants no responsibility, and does not want to grow up. I flip flop between the two often. It is almost like two different people. I am headstrong and stubborn as a warrior and I am completely frighten of my own shadow as that child.
So my new screen name is now "Warrior or Child".
Thank you all for helping me get what this BPD is. Now the real work begins.
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