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 Post subject: hello!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 8:57 am 
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Hi. I've never been on a message board before, so please bear with me (techincal difficulties and such). I am new to this site and thought I should intoduce myself. I am a 31 yr old wife with no children. I was diagnosed informally almost a year ago (08/24) following a suicide attempt. Since that time, I have done a great deal in terms of working on my issues and recognizing behaviour patterns. However, I was reluctant to believe the diagnosis until about a month ago. I don't like the label or the stigma attached to it. I also see many "normals" out in the world with many of the same issues, though I have to admit that it does seem to be a matter of degree. You could call me high-functioning, but it seems cyclical. I will be highly motivated, succesful, optimistic, etc. for a while and then my demons start to encroach and everything falls apart--usually by my own design. I have no friends, as I cannot seem to maintain relationships. My family believes this is something I "should" be able to overcome easily and that I must be lazy and indulgent for not doing so. Sometimes I think they are right. I have read everthing on the Tools pages and find it to be very useful and appropriate for me.

A little background, since this is an into: My mom had Multiple Sclerosis. By the age of 5, I was changing her diapers and wondering when she would die--that happened when I was 12. There is good prognosis and treatment for her disease now, but back then there wasn't. My parents divorced when I was 3 because of the illness. My dad is a good guy who never planned on being a single dad. He was working all the time and frustrated the rest. My only brother and I fought to the point of braking each other's bones. There was extreme favoritism played in my family. I really do have to point out that everyone in my family tried their best. I don't think anything was ever done maliciously by a family member, and I hold no ill will. A lot of the problems of my childhood were beyond control. I was molested at 4 (by a 'family friend') and raped at 14 (again, not family). At 16, I was a pedestrian hit by auto, suffering a skull fracture that drastically changed me. I moved out of my father's home shortly afterwards-- impulsively. I have been on my own ever since, financially and emotionally. I have abused most drugs, although my drugs of choice were pain killers and anti-anxiety meds. I think I was self-medicating. I am clean now, and have been for a year. My family does not believe in psychotherapy, although I do. They see it as "weakness". Because of this, I was never given the emotional support that I needed. I am angry about this fact because I think that my problems today could have been prevented or at least worked on earlier. I have never been able to hold a job or a relationship for too long, although I don't cheat. I don't really rage, but I do have outbursts--more so in my youth.

Since adulthood, I have seen several psychiatrists who all say that I am severly depressed and presribe anti-depressants. I have adverse side effects to these and cannot take them. They really don't seem to help. My last T, the one who diagnosed with BPD, told me I was 'cured' after 6 months of treatment and no meds. I am lost, and I am hoping to find help here. I practice mindfulness in everyday life. I have made quite a bit of progress, but I can't stop the feelings of worthlessness and worry over abandonment. These traits are ruining my marriage. I truly love my husband and want to live the happy, healthy life with him. I have little hope for the future unless I find a way to stop these patterns. I really want to change and I am willing to do whatever it takes.

I'm sorry this post has been all over the place and rambling. When I am nervous, I can't condense my thoughts.

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"Pain is resistance to change."
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 Post subject: Re: hello!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 11:51 am 
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Hi there, welcome to BPDR! :welcome

I'm surprised that a T would diagnose, treat for 6 mos and then clear the diagnosis in such a short period of time. That's astonishing to me!

That said, it sounds like you may not necessarily agree with that quick Clean Bill of Health and are looking for meaningful long-term ways to improve your life, in the direction of healthy, happy living. If that's the case, you're in the right place! LOL

Fear of abandonment is a tough one. Hopefully your husband is good at communicating boundaries & consequences and, most importantly, following through on those consequences. How long have you been married if you don't mind my asking?

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 Post subject: Re: hello!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 1:44 pm 
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Thank you for the welcome!

The therapist in question is a psychologist, not a phychiatrist. I was referred to him by my PCP following my suicide attempt. During my hosipal stay (not psyche, ICU) for that event, my family diagnosed me. I had never heard of BPD before that time. The T I saw basically agreed with my family's assesment, but thought labeling was unconstructive to treatment. So while it went in my file as an official diagnosis (after one session), it was not discussed. I was seeing a phychiatrist in conjunction, but I only reviewed meds with him. None of these experieces was particularly helpful. I find this to be a common theme with therapy and don't know what I am doing to cause this. I think I appear to function well, so people don't really understand my inner turmoil and how easily and quickly things in my life go drastically wrong. I can site specific incidences where I have displayed most of the criterion for BPD, so I do think I 'have' BPD. I am still learning what that means. I am currently looking for a good T in my area who takes my insurance and who also has experience with this. No luck so far, but my search has really just begun. Right now, reading the board here has been very comforting as I identify with what most post.

I have been married for a little over a year. We dated for 3 1/2 years before marriage. My husband has issues of his own (germ phobia, controlling, OCD). He does set good boundries and by him doing so I have begun to learn how to do the same. I have not been good at seperating my stuff from his in the past, but I am getting better with practice. The tools here have helped. Simply recognizing that it was happening in the first place really changed my world. It has been a rocky road for us, and I'm not sure where it is going to lead. I do know that there is a lot of real love, not codependancy, between us. I believe that we are both commited to working on our individual issues and trying to come together as a family. He has a lot of patience with me, and I with him. Right now we just take it 'one day at a time' and try to accept each other in the now.

I tend to ramble..... Sorry, I will work on brevity!

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Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: hello!
PostPosted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 11:11 am 
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Welcome Harmonium!
I am pretty new here myself.
i can personally relate to a lot of your challenges. Negative family stigma towards therapy, molestation at a young age, broken family, even had a severe accident at 16 and after recovering I too moved out on my own (at 17). I have been married for 23 years but it has ben very rocky. Very much so lately.

I must say that since I have found this site things have really stabilized for me!
I try to visit daily.
I look forward to your posts.

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 Post subject: Re: hello!
PostPosted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 3:24 pm 
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Thank you Confused1!

It is comforting to know that others have found help here too.

I have been visiting daily too, but I am really new at message boards in general. I think I have already made some mistakes in posting, but I'm trying to do better. Reading the previous posts has really helped me learn what is appropriate. I'm working on it.

23 years of marriage sounds like a great accomplishment to me! No marriage is without stones. :D

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Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: hello!
PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:07 am 
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Location: Reality ~ It's a great place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there!
I am returning to this because I overlooked the thread at the time it was posted. In the time you have been here, I have noticed that we seem to have some things in common. I really appreciate your communication style and I believe I can learn from you. :)

Looking back over your posts, I recall a thread where you must have asked 20 questions in one post and I was not sure how to respond, LOL. You responded well to my not knowing how to respond and then it looks like I didn't address the further questions you brought up. I am glad you do not appear to have taken my lack of response personally. ;)

I have come to realize that I don't pay much attention to new members and that may be unfortunate because I tend to miss so many of their early posts. I regret that it has taken me a month to really notice your contributions here.

You are not the only person who has joined BPDR while I have been too overwhelmed to notice. I am going to make an effort to pay attention to new members more, even if they do not stick around, because I just realized what I have been missing.

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The question of suicide:
Keep it a question.
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 Post subject: Re: hello!
PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:18 am 
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Wow (( Denim)) I am honestly touched. I have related to you well too, although I wasn't sure if you knew it.

I can understand now why you (and others) don't always pay much attention to new members. I am here to work and I want to be called on my 'stuff'. I just don't always know the ropes, although I understand the rules. I still regret this WW post. I would word it much differently now. I didn't know better then.

And no, I didn't take that rambling 20 question post personally-- I'm sure that was overwheming. I was just full of questions that day and I don't think I really understood where you were coming from. I did continue to read the thread and I got my answers. I hope you did too! :)

It sounds from your posts like you may be going through quite a bit now. If I can help in any way, just let me know.

Thanks for taking the time to say this to me. It matters.

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: hello!
PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:12 pm 
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Location: Reality ~ It's a great place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there!
I have been so busy working on figuring out some things for myself that I sometimes feel as if I am talking to myself, LOL. When I looked back at a past thread and noticed that I had not replied to you directly, I realized that my thoughts were taking so much mental energy that I was overwhelmed and may have missed some of the contributions you made to the thread. Thank you for understanding.

It is hard being new and it is hard to know how to approach new people. It is sometimes hard for me to get past the whole "don't talk to strangers" thing. I need to find a better balance.

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The question of suicide:
Keep it a question.
It's not really an answer.


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