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I am an Inverted Narcissist!

This is my first post here and hmmm I do not understand this constant unconstructive behavior that I have tolorated for so long in my life and where I used to be passive/silent, today I am assertive and just amazed how I would have lived a different life as now folks leave as fast as they arrive becasue I no longer fake it, forming myself to there ideals or behaviorial ways.

Ones from my past quickly leave me as I no longer condone emotional abuse, verbal assults and what I was once ignorant of. Toxic people have no place in my life anymore. I remain single (wishing to be married) and wonder how can I feel so alone with so many friends of which I make easily?

Your words of wisdom/understanding of my story is appreciated!

I dated a women for a year it was love at first site. I luv her to this day and will to my last breath. I know better to never interface with her ever again. The first time she broke up w/me two days before Valentines Day,
the second time three days before my leaving for a month tour of Europe, stating she has another BF
(later to find it was I lie....Why did she say that?) In not getting an apology for her violations
I knew to walk/leave/end the relationship.

Three years later we crossed paths and I allowed myself to get Hoovered in. I had stated if we continue to associate with one another then we get back together for life/marriage she acknowledged ok I got it. That was a lie, she hooked me (for several months w/o sex) making it clear "there is NO US" again changing the rules as she always did to suit her. When I brought up the subject of intimacy she lashed out that she would feel like a whore to have sex with me!
Say What? At that point I felt like I was whoring out just associating with her relative to our unresolved issues.

Our being together was under the context of us resolving our past issues (or so I thought)
which was evaded and we never did! She seem to find time to apologize with her other two boy friends after me?
She had these one liners that cut into my heart and soul are not easily repaired as they were such cruel/cold statements.

So here I am under the pretense of healing the past. She needed surgery on her shoulder and I took her to the various doctors.....ALL OF THEM! Then helped her with the recovery, staying at her home (in seperate beds/rooms)
just like before, just like my parents did.

THEN she finds out that she has to have a bilateral mastectomy and is told that she needs to ASK FOR HELP....from her friends! Well I just offered my help and find myself resentful that she did not ask me for help ever! In fact she always stated "I CANNOT HELP YOU" through out our relationship when in actuality she really could have.

So I schedule myself off work to stay in the hospital with her for a few nights then the week before I said NO! I shall not go into the hospital with you and she had to find an old friend/co-worker to be there for her. She did ask me for a ride home as I have a Large Car that would fit everything and her GF's car broke down. What a mistake that was, I saw what I never ever wanted to see or experience and thus never interfaced with her again/since.

She was bitter, competitive and rude, kicked me out as soon as we got to her home. I had given her two baskets ($200+) of healing items as I assumed She Was Finally Asking Me for Help and we were going to Make It Work.

I feel bad about not keeping my word! I thought to myself I am not going to see your friends, your daughter and others when WE ARE NOT RESOLVED! Our issues were never spoken to and when I said we need to speak to it now!
She refused and had excuses because of the upcoming surgeries.

Where were her Last Two boy friends? The last one she stated she really loved and he dumped her? I have felt so bad for so long about not staying true to my word yet I see now that she was ALL SO FAKE and it was going to be worse in every way not having the RESOLVE I needed to take care of myself.

Is there ever a good time to leave the one you love so much, my timing of stepping out prior to the hospital surgeries was awful. She was rotten to me and she had more kemo and unexpected surgeries where I so wished to help and I just got negative attitudes from her.

Any and all input is SO WELCOMED here!

welcome ...have you checked out the Tools section on the left?

<-------------------on the page.

here we work on ourselves, so while i cant comment on her behaviors, i would ask how you feel about you?

good to meet you. is your dx from a pdr? a T? or self dxed? your post is a bit contradictory.....in my reading of it........the only person we can control or change is ourselves.

Welcome to BPDR!

Contradictory or Paradox?

So very true and we are guilty by association. I used to be a gutless wonder, never speaking to anything anytime.
Today I speak up and take the loss up front. I have been in and out of therapy for twenty years and where the old labels once applied they no longer do and new ones have appeared!

I am in need of a therapist somewhat new to town. Any Suggestions?
Actually I will be finding a specialist who deals with bi-polar/boderline/MPD/narcissistic behaviors.
It runs in me, my sisters, my mother, grand mother and great grand parents. It is so odd and uncomfotable to hear my 86 year old mother speak to the incest, gay men and women in our bloodlines and being so comfortable as it is just as it should be. It goes back a couple hundred years I bet! I am straight (all my life) yet have all these feminine tendencies which seem to trouble others (not me).

I married a bi-women, now into her forth marriage with a wonderful women. We had a son together and he is straight and does not drink or do drugs. We work on his saboteur tendencies.

It clearly is all intergenerational pathologies and I hope/pray it ends with me now! As I allow my life to be more practical I seem to do fine, I love life, my family and community although I have my moments of dispear, disillusion and futility. Have started using the tools...very helpful!

sounds like a lot of good insights!!!! i am one who needs to know the whys of everything. product of my childhood? maybe. maybe just who i am. shrug* but i thrive in knowing why. it is a type of control measure, according to some. maybe!

regardless, i do a lot of inner child work. have you heard of that? i find (altho many dont agree--one of those fields of psychology things) it gives me a lot of answers and ways to change my feelings and behaviors.

i do know i have lots of ACOA traits. which overlap with bpd and many others. sounds like you may have some also.

i think, if you are willing to do the tough work, you will do great and heal and become a healthier adult. this place, along with other resources, is just wonderful.

my T is at a place here called "family services". free. i also recommend lots of reading and taking notes. lots of writing and sorting thru things.

my daughter is bipolar, my family on both sides were alcoholics or homicidal and lots of depression and suicide. it def can have a genetic tendency.

i see lots of labels in your post. does this help you? it doesnt me unless its a description of a behavior i need to change. i end up becoming the label and behaving as such, if im not careful. i have a bad problem with the behavior being the person. im still working on that one.

because the only thing we have control over is ourselves, thus it is all we can change. not to say our behaviors cant help or hurt relationships, it can most def, but ultimately its us we have to concentrate on and let the rest be gravy. respecting ourselves, loving ourselves, ultimately will show in every behavior we do for us and others.

ps...would you explain this please

you said"""" gay men and women in our bloodlines"""" i dont understand what you meant.........

dunno about specialists....my T doesnt have her masters yet but she is very good....im not sure that would matter a lot since its a toss up to find a T we mesh well with........

sorry, just had some more thoughts to add....

Thanks Jody and Candle for reaching out : )

Knowing becomes wisdom and understanding is the way to stop unhealthy cycles. Yes it is to control, our own behavior not anothers. As a Meta-Physician if/when I
choose to get a snapshot of a problem/situation what ever it may be, the process begins by asking Why of the Why, of the Why, of the Why, of the Why, of the Why at least five times minimum. The further you go back the more the reason/picture comes together.

I am not in denial nor am I a victim, I welcome knowing where I am
not together so that I may mature and be healthy. Oh yes I am a ACOA, my father was a drunk co-dependent and my mother was/is
depressed and BPD.

I continue to do "the work" and shall until my last breath. I prefer a psychiatrist that talk things through, I work a drugless program. I have mile high stacks of journalizing, I write a lot to get the energy out of my system yet will admit I Never Read It! It gets collected and burned.

Thank you for your sharing, lots of hurdles for us to get on top of. The last women I fell in love with had suicide thoughts and used to come through the paper and wish it upon herself. Appreciate the reminded to not label and live it out......hmmm

It would appear these behaviors in our lives are either innergenerational or environmental. There were studies done in the UK. they factually determined that being Gay is environmental. Most of my gay men/women friends hate hearing this and
fight me on it....I do not understand why? Who cares? Anyway

I read this article and it is my exact experience. My mother hated my father and slobbered, kissed, hugged kissed very passionate with my niece and she is gay? The family secret what BS! So
it appears in my bloodline that every other generation we have men loving men, and women loving women. The article went on to say that many young folks when first sexually exploring when they are with the same sex they just stay with it. Again who cares? Bottom line is when there is disrespect and dishonor it is time to address it.

I sense that you are not very emotionally attached to the woman you focused the attention of your first post on with your use of "luv" instead of love (you seem intelligent enough to know how to spell the word correctly so it seems you are using "luv" as a substitute word that is similar to love and yet without the same meaning) and using "interface with" and "associate with" to describe the dynamics of your relationship with her. It also sounds like you were wanting to bring up past issues while she just had a mastectomy and is facing chemo therapy so I would have to say that I your timing could have been better. It sounds like that relationship is now over by mutual consent.

It also looks as if you are pointing to the cause of your problems, that have resulted in 20 years of therapy already, as "intergenerational pathologies" and I have to wonder if you believe that the way your mind functions has to do more with genetics than with your own life story. If whatever mental illness you seek additional therapy for is genetic (it is hard to tell if the list of acronyms you listed has to do with you personally or with family members), then I am guessing you will need a psychiatrist who can prescribe appropriate meds or even a spiritual counselor who can help you break family curses. If you are looking for a behavioral therapist, I image you will need to be willing to take some responsibility for your issues. A good way to start would be to keep the attention of your posts on yourself and your own behaviors, as we are all expected to do here.



I am interested to know how "asking Why of the Why, of the Why, of the Why, of the Why, of the Why at least five times minimum" will help you solve anything in the here and now. It seem to me that the further back you go, the easier it becomes to blame others for causing your "problem/situation" so I am having a hard time understanding how you can possibly have any control over "the Why" when it is so far removed from the Now.

I am also confused about your references to gay and lesbian family members. What does this have to do with you?

Can you identify what it is about your own behaviors you want to focus on here? You indicated that you were needing and wanting understanding of behaviors and yet I am having a hard time knowing what sort of feedback you are looking for specifically. Because you are new to BPDR, you may get away with posting about others at first but eventually you will be expected to focus on yourself just as we are all expected to focus on ourselves here at BPDR.

Time to Face Reality!

DB why have you taken the time/interest in me? Out of 96 folks reading about me I was wondering, why not
more sharings. hmmm Emotionally attached yes, believe it is called trauma bonding. I can leave an unhealthy
relationship physically not mentally. I always use luv or love interchangeably. I love to this day my X wife
and every women I have given my heart to and the love continues to grow for all of them. When I do not have
understanding oh I get bitter and I get assistance to build a bridge. Difficult to relay everything clearly in
words, I wanted to resolve past issues two months prior, which why I had reconnected with her to begin with,
when one more problem came up I could no longer put it off any longer, I ran out of gas and I was being used
there was never any reciprocity. The list of acronyms are about me and my lovers.....no confusion there!
Why is this brought up by you?

See a psychiatrist, a spiritual counselor and a behavioral therapist is accurate YES I shall continue seeing
them until my last breath.

Try it...Why of the Why allows more data to be understood and it is not a victim process, it is a process of
responsibility. The family history given is to get further clarity, hope I can receive it! What's the problem?

DB I wish to share with you the last straws with my last lover....OK?
Oh the ugliest looks upon the most beautiful face.
Or was it never owning up to her unconstructive behavior.
Or Breaking up two days before Valentine Day or was it the day before I left for Europe
for a month stating she had another lover (when later I found out she did not?) hmmm
No it is when I asked Why do you want me in your life?
She said I am not good at those questions?
Remained silent and never did answer it hmmm

NO, let's see it was New Years and she spent the whole evening with her X boyfriend.
NO, it was when we flew to Chicago for a wedding and I never saw her the whole time,
she was with her sister and remained depressed in bed, I went around town by
myself....again.

Actually it was her just getting out of surgery for a bilateral mastectomy and she used me
for a ride home (I drive big cars) and then she kicked me immediately out of the house and
had acquaintances over and they were all so FAKE, not to mention her being rude,
inconsiderate and drudging up anything she could find to make me wrong and not ok?

That's it.....I avoided all contact after that, if she ever talks to me again (never will happen)
the first words out of her mouth will be I apologize for __________ or I hang up or delete
the e-mail!

I am guilty by association so when I determine toxic folks I rid them out of my life.....
I take responsibility for my issue why do you assume I do not? I bet your a control freak, who is emotionally
repressed and runs from and blocks intimacy judging from you ATTACKS!
You need to be and learn more of how to be a team player and have compassion in your life.
I have learned not to take anything personally I recommend this for you too!
Upon being new here I read about people like you that are unconstructive...... will you be given a warning? I hope so!
You act like the police man on this site....is this your placement?
YOU ASSUME TO MUCH AND YOUR WRONG AND INACCURATE SO STOP IT!
PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT I AM GETTING AWAY WITH? NO DON'T! ACTUALLY
WHO EVER YOU ARE DO NOT RESPOND ANY FURTHER TO MY POSTS.
SKIP THEM FROM NOW ON........UNDERSTOOD AND KNOW I WILL BLOCK AND OR JUST
DELETE ANYTHING FROM YOU TO ME! YOUR - BEHAVIOR SHALL NOT BE CONDONED!

WISHING YOU SWIFT HEALING WITH YOUR ISSUES/PROBLEMS AND MANY BLESSINGS TO YOU!

OFFICIAL SANCTION

This behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Please look within, use your resources and tools and determine a better path of behaviour for yourself for future situations.

Theo, I realize you're new here and I know it can be tough to talk about deeply personal and highly intense things with virtual strangers. At BPDR, we use the Tools listed in the box on the left-hand side, and I believe Denim was simply asking you to look at your coping mechanisms, try new ones, take responsibility, live in the now and improve things for yourself. There wasn't a personal attack and there's no need for shouting (as ALL CAPS IS VIEWED ONLINE.)

I will ask you, in a different way, how the "Why of the Why, of the Why, of the Why, of the Why, of the Why at least five times minimum" does help you. I understand that you may be attempting to dig down or back to the original root of the problem, the Ground Zero, Patient Zero, the epicenter, whatever you want to call it. What we focus on, for the most part, however, is living in the here and now.

"How can I handle this stressful situation well right now, regardless of the root cause?"

"How can I convey my point right now, regardless of the baggage that might be attached to it from the past?"

"What are my options right now at this very moment in this particular situation, regardless of how I may have handled things when I was a child or in a previous relationship?"

How quickly do the WhyX5 process work for you? How quickly are you able to utilize that tool for determining courses of action while you're in the thick of things?

Are you looking to understand the behavior of the others in your relationships?
If so, you may never find what you seek. No one person can truly understand all the thought patterns beliefs and motives of another. We are on the outside, looking in and we will never have complete access to their deepest understandings. Quite often, the people we wish to understand do not completely understand themselves. How can we succeed with even less information than they have about themselves? Understanding is a goal to reach for, but only with the understanding that we can never truly achieve it.

Are you seeking to understand your own behavior?
There is a much better chance of success with that. I (personally) do not believe in 100% solutions, but I do believe that we are capable of understanding ourselves far better than we usually bother. Even so, I find that the understanding is not necessary to the changing of my thought and behavior patterns. I have found that in changing my old behavior, challenging my old belief system, I begin to understand myself more clearly. The more I come to understand myself, the easier it becomes to understand others.

I do know that THINKING leads me in circles. It is ACTION (then reflection) that brings about the greatest changes in me.

theomorphic,

I too am a member of both BPDrecovery and BPDfamily. I know it is very tempting to try and get inside the minds of others but when I post here I always limit myself to my own issues or to offer my perspective on common issues with others here.