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 Post subject: HELP banging my head on the wall
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 12:25 pm 
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More than 25 years ago I was diagnosed as a high functioning BPD. For as many years I have been in therapy and on meds. When we are honest with ourselves live is hell and meds and therapy is the only way to go. Both my husband and my therapist say I have made unheard of strides and changes due mostly to my own hard work. My husband has often attended sessions with me. We have discussed changes and agreed on many changes to be made and I have kept those promises made. The problem is that my husband doesn't. Example: I had an anger issue a few weeks ago (cannot even call them rages anymore) and he started threatening me,etc. In all arguements he has to be right and totally blamless, i.e., he never does anything wrong that should ever make me angry with him. And he is not bound by promises made because he "forgets". He was told many times by the therapist not to go to the children carrying tales of my behavior, yet he continues to do so because he "has a good reason to do so." Sometimes I wonder which of us has BPD. This past time i asked him what he last promjised before the therapist and he actually said, "I don't remember, I didn't write it down." Anyway, I am just too worn out to continue with this. I haven't said much to him in weeks because I feel there is no point. He will be right, I will be wrong so what is the point in doing this over and over. He of course thinks that he is simply getting the "silent treatment" and so he rises above it all by proving that it doesn't bother him and he doesn't care. I just can't continue taking ten steps forward and feeling like he takes me 5 backwards. When I try to explain any of this to him he throws back everything he knows about BPD and just says that I am pointing the finger at him, because that is what BPD's do. There is no point in going back to therapy because he "distorts" the facts. YES he does that ... I know it is a symptom of BPD.. so I test myself by saying to him is it true that? and is this true? and did it happen this way? and he says yes to all but then says BUT... well, where do you go from there? I am exhausted with myself, exhausted with him, and exhausted with the relationship... by the way, this has been the first "incident" since over two years ago. I just asked him why he involved our children in this again. He said he didn't involve them. He just told them that I was mad at him. I told him I was sure he had a really good reason for doing that after being told soooooo many times not to. Because he always has so many good reasons for what he does. He then gave me the grocery list for the store! I am exhausted! Is the marriage good? Yes, it is great, when everything is quiet and he is getting his way. But I always wind up hating myself over and over in every arguement. I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't believe that some things will ever change anymore. I think I am about to walk for the best for both of us.
AND...
We made an investament a few years ago. Half of the proceeds were to be mine and have his. I have not been collecting mine because i had made a large purchase and he was using that money to pay it for me. The payment is now finished. In the arguement a few weeks ago I asked to now have my monthly income from the investament. He gave it to me, but I know sooner or later he is going to come back and not give it to me for a "good reason" but in fact, it would probably be just to push my buttons. If I get angry, he will push my buttons until I am in a rage, once I am in a rage he will threaten me with callling the police and having me committed. He knows the buttons, because I have told him in therapy and asked him not to do that. He knows all the labels to give me because he has read the BPD books and he takes out his arsenal and starts shooting them at me. So, since I know that sooner or later the time will come, maybe some one can give me some pointers on how to deal with it in what he might see as a "normal" responce. I don't know if this question goes here or someplace else on the board. Sorry.


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 Post subject: Re: HELP banging my head on the wall
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 12:34 pm 
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It sounds like he has his own "stuff" that has nothing to do with you. You can't make him change, but you can learn to set boundaries around behavior you find unacceptable. jim

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