BPDRecovery.com: Forums

ok, i'm scared to talk but i really need to know i'm not the only one with this, so here it goes. i'm 39 years old and i live with my mother because i have never been able to maintain my own place more than a year. i've been unemployed for a year now and i haven't had a car for a year because i wrecked it. i've felt like an outcast since i was in kindergarten. the kids in school gave me hell and i hated my home but i'm not sure why. started runaway at 13. spent my 14th birthday in psych ward and 1st sem of 8th grade. went back to public school and promptly ran away. i would stay with anybody i met. i was pretty wild. at 15 i think, i was emancipated from my parents and diagnosed with bdp for the first time.
anyway, after years of self mutilation, self degradation and all that other good stuff in the criteria,here i am. ive done treatment, aa, therapy, meds but still hurting my self and wanting to die no matter how many times ive picked up the pieces and tried to make good i tore it all down. anyway, theirs lot more and for right now i just want to know if anyone else out there has felt like a piece of crap, unworthy to be among the general population of regular people? do ever feel like the can smell you coming and are looking at and wanting to mess with you in someway? have you ever stayed hidden in your house because you dont want your neighbors to see you? do you ever cry a hard cry because youve continually self-sabbatoged and self-humiliated time and time again because it was so irrisitable? please let me not i'm not alone here. monday i was diagnosed again with bpd be a phd for a disability claim. i told him i want to get well, i want a part time job and i started going outside again. i even rode the bus last month!! trust me that's a big deal. i do see a county funded therapist who does cbt and i take wellbutrin and lexapro. any insights on meds would be welcome. i am also a huge fan of albert ellis and rebt. i won't give up on myself if i now other people have this thing also. i hope it's ok to write this stuff.

I think I just responded to your other WW post, but I wanted to say something here too.

Yes, many of us feel all the ways you have described at one time or another. I know I have, sometimes still do. What I do is work on facing my fears and using the tools to change the behaviours that I no longer wish to have. It IS a choice, IMO. It takes lots and lots of hard work. I have to really take a hard look within and see why I was/am doing these things. I have to figure out reasons for me to change them. I had to learn to care about me. It can happen, it does happen. But it is not quick or easy or a simple do x and get b result. I hope that you are truly wanting to improve your quality of life. If so, this is a great place to be. We do focus on CBT work around here. I think it really helps, at least for me and from what I have heard the others think so to. You can do this, you just have to want to get better more than you want to remain dysfunctional. Your choice. I hope you choose healthy, happy living.

So, welcome again. I recommend reading the entire home page beginning with the Tools section. Good stuff there. I wish you well and look forward to your future posts!

Thank you for responding. I just had to let it out. Is so frustrating when everyone around you wonders why you can't just snap out of it. My firm diagnosis is what is spurring me on to a healing path.

Venting is a good thing! I get frustrated when others (my family mainly) wonder why I can't just immediately stop all these behaviours. Hopefully now that you have your diagnosis, you can move forward. I'm betting on you!

I'm replying to myself to overcome my imagined feelings of rejection because only one person said hi to me. I do that all the time. Twisted thinking. Did I sound too freaky? I didn't mean to scare people away. I've been reading a lot about rage and outbursts. I'm having trouble finding anything out there on impulsive high risk behaviors and regret and the resulting vicious circle. The only thing I can find about shame is childhood trauma recovery. I will check closer on the other board on recommended reading etc. I will keep searching and reading everything on here until I understand how to be. I am good at giving encouragement as well as seeking common ground. P.S. Thanks Harmonium. Have a great day everyone! I'm going to faq now. 10-4, Over and out.

Hi, it's me again.

Nothing wrong with replying to yourself. Good insight in recognition. The next step would be to try to untwist. What would that look like/feel like? Is it possible your taking this too personally? That others are wrapped up in their own dramas? Many shades of grey....

I seriously doubt you scared anyone or freaked anyone out. We have all been where you are before in one way or another. There is a great section on the 4 agreements that might help. What would change in your life if you could see that Everyone (not just people on this site or BPD-ers) see things through their own filters? What would it look like to realize that only you can self-soothe and that being your authentic self is always the best way to go?

All the tools deal with this, IMO. Our outbursts, again IMO, stem from a lack of personal responsibilty of behaviour. You will learn more as time goes by. Pace yourself, please. It is great to be seaching and reading, I do that too. Just please don't expect a lesson plan on 'how to be'. There is no set way, you have to discover what works for you over time. Trial and error. We offer advice on ways that have helped us. The site offers CBT tools which are proven methods of behavioural change in people with BPD. It takes time and effort. The last part about encouragement and common ground--Excellent!

I know I just picked your post apart, but I wanted you to know that I am listening. I do care about you. I want you to find a way toward healthy, happy living. I think you are on the right track!

What does IMO stand for?

IMO = In my opinion.

And welcome.