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 Post subject: just realizing a few things
PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 1:03 pm 
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i've had a long history of mental illness, beginning when i was fourteen. inpatient, state hospital, residential treatment as a teen, alternative high school, the works. when i became a legal adult, things completely spun out of control. i picked up several diagnoses along the way, but the only one i've ever agreed with is BPD. i endured seven hospitalizations in ten months, and nearly found myself a resident of the state psychiatric ward once again. my choice was to receive ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) or go to Trenton Psychiatric, the second most deplorable state psychiatric hospital in the state of New Jersey. obviously i chose ECT.

that was two years ago. ECT worked for me. it pulled me out of the impossibly deep depression i had sunk into, and allowed me hope for the future (though please don't think i'm recommending it, the side effects are really terrible). in that time i met my current boyfriend, and between participation in a women's trauma partial hospital program and his love and support, i was able to recover from a number of the self-destructive behaviors i had been engaging in.

while i am not disabled by crippling depression or actively trying to destroy myself, i have recently realized that something is still amiss. while shortly after my ECT i was able to experience joy and euphoria most days, with a few bad days thrown in, i realize now that i've not had a happy day in quite some time. days are divided by horrible and mediocre. eighteen months ago, i could say that in the very least i liked myself. these days i loathe who i am, and every day i see more reasons why i should just give up this charade. my anger is getting out of control. i'm pushing my boyfriend away more and more each day. every time i push him away, i panic and become clingy, which starts the cycle anew.

every time we fight, it is for the same exact reason. I have done something, blown something out of proportion, hurt his feelings in some way, yet i refuse to apologize or admit that i was wrong, because i'm so afraid that if i'm not perfect he will leave me. we have plans to get married when i finish school, and he hasn't left me yet, so there's no rational reason for my paranoia and mistrust. every time we fight, i realize what a horrible person i am, and begin to cry, which he takes as manipulative. the other thing we fight about is my constant inability to be honest about my feelings. for instance, recently he quit his job in a moment of anger, and i was extremely angry with him for putting us in a precarious financial situation (we have our own apartment together, and we live in the US, where the economy is teetering on collapse). I told him the first day that i was pissed, and he accepted that and apologized, and vowed to do everything possible to find a new job. yet i continued to be angry. i knew i shouldn't be angry, so i denied that i was. but since i WAS angry, i've treated him very poorly this last week, yelling at him for small things, becoming infuriated with small occurences, and making very nasty comments to him when he has done nothing to deserve it. the reason i did not tell him i was still mad was because i was certain, absolutely CERTAIN that he would just get mad at me for being mad in the first place. this assuming, mind-reading i suppose, is why i don't tell him when i'm upset. i'm always sure he's going to dismiss it, not care, blame me, or otherwise invalidate my feelings. while he has done this in the past, it has always been when he's already angry with me for being dishonest.

the emotional dishonesty will tear us apart. he was with a manipulative girl who constantly lied and cheated before me, and as such does not stand for lying. yet i cannot stop. i've lied to everyone about everything for so long i don't know how to finally admit that someone cares enough about me to know the truth. i do not want to break up this relationship, yet i find myself constantly sabotaging it because inside i feel like he will get tired of my behavior and leave me anyway. no amount of reassurance on his part can dissuade these feelings.

i am realizing that even though i am not as depressed as i was, and even though i've quelled all self-destructive behavior, my thinking, emotions, and behavior are all still ruled by borderline personality disorder. i am falling deeper and deeper into unhappiness, and i do NOT want to be where i was two years ago. i don't want to drive my boyfriend away. i don't want to destroy another relationship. i don't want to lose all the progress i've made. i want to fight back. i am hoping this site will help me.

i am not currently in therapy and i do not want to be involved in therapy at this time, mainly because i don't trust them. if i continue to not be able to get a hold on my emotions and behavior, then of course i will run straight to the counseling center at my university. but for now, i will be lurking around this site, absorbing information and hopefully gaining enough focus to change my thinking and behavior. i just want to be able to look in the mirror and say, "I love myself and my life, and i am truly happy" and mean it.

sorry for the long intro. thanks in advance for replies. i have a habit of being too scared that someone will hate me to reply back so don't take it personally.


Last edited by Trinity on Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Edited to remove trigger warning


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 Post subject: Re: just realizing a few things (possibly triggering)
PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 1:50 pm 
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Welcome here. I understand how you feel about the ECT. I had ECT 2 years ago. I was severely depressed and it really helped. I have had bad days since then, but nothing like the crippling depression I was in.

My first suggestion to you would be to read the Tools on the left side of the page here. There are tools you can learn to untwist your thinking and help you understand how you feel.

My other suggestion would really be to get into counseling. Just the fact that you say you don't trust counselors, you are continually angry, says that you probably DO need therapy. A therapist can help you deal with your anger. You may also need medication - but only a doctor can assess that. But I really urge you to see a therapist at this time. There are therapists out there who specialize in BPD and will help you and understand you. I'm sure you dont' want to end up back in the hospital.

Have you learned about DBT (dialectical behavior therapy)? I use that a lot and it really helps me to understand my feelings and why I think the way I do. I used to yell at my husband a lot and get angry at him. But learning these skills has really helped me cut down on destructive behavior.

And yes, keep reading the board here and posting when you feel you need to. Many of us have been in the same boat.

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 Post subject: Re: just realizing a few things (possibly triggering)
PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 4:24 pm 
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:welcome

I like your fighting attitude!

I've found that my recovery takes a lot of work, so be ready. I encourage you to try to begin to face some of your fears. Maybe start by replying to these posts? Baby steps....The more I challenge myself of things I fear, the easier it gets. I still have much work to do ;)! But, ! I have learned through untwisting my thoughts that much of what I feared wasn't really as scary as I made it out to be. Courage can be a good thing.

Well, I guess I just wanted to say hi and welcome. I hope you find this site as helpful as I have!

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 Post subject: Re: just realizing a few things
PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 6:36 pm 
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Quote:
Welcome here. I understand how you feel about the ECT. I had ECT 2 years ago. I was severely depressed and it really helped. I have had bad days since then, but nothing like the crippling depression I was in.

My first suggestion to you would be to read the Tools on the left side of the page here. There are tools you can learn to untwist your thinking and help you understand how you feel.

My other suggestion would really be to get into counseling. Just the fact that you say you don't trust counselors, you are continually angry, says that you probably DO need therapy. A therapist can help you deal with your anger. You may also need medication - but only a doctor can assess that. But I really urge you to see a therapist at this time. There are therapists out there who specialize in BPD and will help you and understand you. I'm sure you dont' want to end up back in the hospital.

Have you learned about DBT (dialectical behavior therapy)? I use that a lot and it really helps me to understand my feelings and why I think the way I do. I used to yell at my husband a lot and get angry at him. But learning these skills has really helped me cut down on destructive behavior.

And yes, keep reading the board here and posting when you feel you need to. Many of us have been in the same boat.


well, the problem is i only have medicare, and it is nearly impossible to find a provider who accepts medicare. most of the clinics have waiting lists of 6-8 weeks, and most of the therapists in these clinics are overloaded with cases and don't usually have a warm, inviting personality. i'd love to find a therapist that specializes in BPD, but i wouldn't be able to afford it if i did. i have an apartment and my boyfriend and i can just barely afford it with all our bills and costs. most months we have to take out of my savings because of unexpected costs (birthdays, car trouble, etc). there's no way i could afford even twenty dollars a week for a therapist. that's also why i can't go to DBT. i know for sure there are no DBT centers near me that accept medicare, or at least there weren't 18 months ago.

there is counseling available at my university free of charge, but i'm also very nervous as to how my boyfriend would react to me wanting to go back to therapy. he's also very distrustful of therapists. i don't think he would agree. he thinks i need to just "stop" and "get over it"...something i don't really understand seeing as he's been through depression and suicide attempts himself.

i dunno. i might try to talk with him about it...i'm just scared that he'll get angry with me or something. which i guess is mind-reading, isn't it. ah well.


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 Post subject: Re: just realizing a few things
PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 6:43 pm 
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Why are you listening to your boyfriend? Is he in control of you? Do you really believe you can pull yourself up from your bootstraps? Why is he so against therapy? Is he scared of it? If so, why? Why does HE have to agree for you to go to therapy? You need to take care of YOURSELF. It seems like a university counseling center could help you. Why should you have to suffer just because he doesn't agree that you need therapy?

If I felt that bad, I would get to therapy no matter what anyone said. When I first started therapy, my H didn't agree with it. He thought I used it as a crutch. But I kept going, despite what he thought. I knew I needed it. He finally got used to it. I wasn't going to allow anyone to tell me what I do or do not need.

Depression is not something you can easily "get over", especially given your history. Please examine why your boyfriend has such a hold over whether you go for counseling or not. You need to take care of yourself.

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