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 Post subject: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:25 pm 
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Hello, I am glad I get to share my thoughts with other people who know what is like to be BPD. I was formally diagnosed a year ago. Since then, I have read everything I can on the disorder. I am currently working on a Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook, and have found it really helpful. Of course it hasn't been easy applying the suggestions all the time, specially when the emotions overpower me, but according to my phsychologist, and my husband (married for 6 yrs), I have improved, and I guess I have. Something that I have found specially difficult is sharing with my friends my diagnosis. For years I put an "act" of been mentally healthy, keeping my strong emotions exclusive to my family. So in the "outside" world, I tried to behave how I knew it was expected of me. I hid my emotions and sometimes even did I great job in fooling people. However, after I got married all my "act" shattered into pieces because I found out a had a problem, and had to solved it. As I have been working through my issues I notice I can't hide my emotions as well as I had in the past. Therefore, I find myself explaining my disorder to others. However, showing my vulnerabiltiy is been very difficult. It seems like I am stripping the little bit of self steem I have, and that by showing my vulnerability is going to be very easy for people to reallly hurt me. My questions are: How do you all do it to explain to people what the disorder is? Have you had people that don't really ask you much about it, so as not to hurt you? What has proven to be helpful in recovering from the disorder?
I sincerely appreciate any suggestions,


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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 9:49 pm 
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Hi Living Flower and welcome!

You will find people of all types in various stages of recovery on this forum. Personally, I can relate to the idea you shared about keeping up an outside 'act', keeping my strong emotions held tight for times alone or with my family. I would probably be called a high-functioning in-acting BPD-er. You can learn more about the forms BPD can take here. I would take out my frustrations on myself, never cuting or such, but very detrimental behaviour. It all fell apart about 6 months after I got married. I realized I had a problem, mentally, and I needed to address it. Knowledge has been great power in aiding my recovery.

I have found the Tool box to the left of your screen to be incredibly helpful. The seperation of stuff section has helped me most of all. Just realizing what was mine to own and what I had control over (my actions) has really changed my life. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go! But, I guess I have hope and more and more confidence in my own abilities.

You asked how to explain this disorder to others. I'm sure many will help you with that one better than I. While I do feel the need to 'show my vunerability' and tell everyone why I have been acting in such a poor manner for so long, I choose to only tell my close family. I find some abuse the diagnosis. Some begin to blame ALL of my behaviour on BPD, when that is not realistic. For me, living in the Now (which I strive to do) means that I don't need to go back and explain the past. I only need to do better today. Just my personal take, I know others do perfer to share their story with all they come in contact with and that's okay too. I guess I just feel today is a new day. I have the power of choice in all my behaviours. I can choose to let BPD and the associated behaviors run my life, or I can untwist. This site helps a lot!

Sorry, I tend to ramble. Welcome to the board. I hope you have a good look around and come back often! :D

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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:51 am 
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Hi and welcome. I have found that for me, it is not necessary or even very prudent to tell people I have BPD. To me, it serves no purpose. Of course my H knows, as he is often the recipient of my emotional disregulation. But I don't think it serves me well to tell people. I tried to tell one person once, a friend who happens to be a social worker, and she didn't believe me. So for me, I do not tell anyone. It's really none of their business and I don't see that it can help our friendships.

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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:41 pm 
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Thank you so much for replying to my post. It's very nice to hear other people's experience with BPD.
I welcome all advice I can get!!!!!!!!

ps. Thanks Harmonium for the links you sent.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:59 pm 
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No problem. I just wanted to point out that the links I included all are part of either the home page (which you can access from the top right of your screen) or the Tools box (on the left hand side of your screen about mid-way) of this site.

Looking forward to speaking with you again,

Harmonium

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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:33 pm 
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I guess I'm somewhere in the middle on the tell or not tell spectrum. I've told my 2 best friends, because they got the brunt of my outbursts, but ususally I just let people deal with me as a normal person.

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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:42 pm 
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I guess I can clarify a little bit more my request: I know that part of the disorder is not been able to trust others and therefore I have an inability to form relationships. My goal is to succeed in having meaningful interactions with others without depending on them or having to controll them. I well know that is important to have an open communication and trust in others in order to reach my goal. However, I find myself listening a lot to people I want to be friends with, but not trusting my feelings to them. I guess I somewhat feel, that they have their own problems and I don't want to burden them with mine. But I have this feeling inside of me to want to tell everyone who knows me, so that they could see the real "me", and appreciate me for everything that I am, and everything I have gone thru, but I know that is not realistic. I know not everyone will appreciate me or show me consideration for having a mental disorder. That's why I don't really know who to trust or when to say: -"Hey, by the way I have a mental disorder-sometimes my split personality makes me act very prideful, and some other times It makes me hate myself in a way it completely makes no sense to you"-
Do you all know what I mean? Has anybody tried to make real friends after you knew about your diagnosis? (and by real I mean people that truly care about your well being, friends that offer you a shoulder to cry as many times as needed -which in my case is lots of times-not somebody who can control you or viceversa, not drinking or party buddies.)


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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 4:51 am 
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Yes, I have made new friends since I was diagnosed with BPD. And there was NO WAY I was going to tell them about this disorder. They do not need to know. I have the responsibility to treat people in an honest and fair way, not take things personally and be impeccable with my word. I don't need to dump my "mental" problems on anyone else. I'm sure if we looked hard enough, we'd see many people with issues. I don't meet new people and say "hi, I'm BG and I have BPD." Totally not necessary. I just do the best I can. If I have issues, I go home and work on them. Well, that's my take on it. Everyone is different.

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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 6:23 pm 
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LF, I really struggled with what it sounds like you are going through when I was first diagnosed a year ago. I still fight the urge sometimes.

I finally decided that sharing something THAT personal needed to be done after time and time and time. I mean, I didn't need to blurt it out six months into feeling good about a friend. And I am talking about Real Friends, I don't party anymore. Well, maybe once in a blue moon, but I don't go out just to get drunk so I'm not looking for people to get messed up with, I want people to form lasting bonds with. I just think that kind of info needs to delt out slowly. In pieces even. Like, one month I told my friend I sometimes see things 'differently' than others. The next month, after much bonding, I would tell him/her that I have _____ issues with _____. Guage their reaction and discuss. I would contiue to allow them to get to know me--GRADUALLY. I believe trust is built, and for me to trust someone like that it might take awhile. It can be used against me in too many ways in this society. I wouldn't exclude the possibility of telling someone with whom I had built this kind of relationship, but it must have the foundation. I don't believe a new relationship can support too much heavy outpouring of ME. Not just about my mental health, there are other things I would choose to withhold not signifigant them knowing me.

I guess I'm saying if you want them to know you-- quit trying to TELL them and SHOW them who you are. Talk is cheap, actions speak louder, yadda yadda.... Choose your actions now in such a way as to reflect your intent. I don't think its good to have people bracing for "Mary is going to react x way to this, she told me she didn't handle situations like this well". Let them judge for themselves whether or not I react well. I don't want someone else trying to protect me from me. And who knows, by the time that situation x comes up, maybe I won't still react the way I forshadowed? Growth, growth, growth......

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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 9:19 pm 
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Harmonium - thank you. I think you said in a clear way what I was clumsily trying to say. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:39 pm 
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THANK YOU SO MUCH Harmonium AND Border Girl. That's exactly what I wanted to hear. I noticed you two mentioned the disorder as something personal. And that makes so much sense. (Sometimes I see my disorder as an illness, so I used to think: "people don't feel embarrassed talking about their diabetis, cholesterol etc., why should I feel embarrased about my "disease")
I guess I was trying to "dump" my emotional/mental weight on somebody else, instead of dealing with it. Sometimes, it just seems soooo hard to bear on my own, that it seems it might be a little bit easier if people knew what I go thru. However, I agree with you two that is best to work on my issues on my own. And let people know gradually who I am. I really appreciate your support!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:54 pm 
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You mentioned that you thought it might be a little bit easier if people knew what you go through. I will tell you from my experience, this does not work out so well. Remember, this is just my experience - no one else's. For instance, I have fibromyalgia. In the past, I tried to talk to my friends about it. They cannot understand it, they misunderstand me, and it makes things worse. Same thing with my depression. One friend, who I'm not friends with anymore, accused me of "using my depression" as a way to get attention. So no, I do not share anymore. That is what I have a therapist for. He can hear about my trials and tribulations with BPD. He can hear about my pain issues. I will not share this anymore with friends. I dont' even discuss it with my sister, whom I'm very close with. She doesn't understand either. Another example - I recently went on disability. I saw a very good friend of mine right after I got the news that I would receive my benefits. So I told her. You know what she said? She said, "Well, I guess it pays to be sick." What a slap in the face! So again, I am very hesitant to discuss physical or mental issues with friends.

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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:10 pm 
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It sounds like you haven't had good experiences in sharing. And you are right saying that when people don't understand, they can come across as kind of unsensitive and unconsiderate. I am sure it must have upset you that when you opened your heart to share, you didn't get an emphathetic response. Sometimes I wish everyone would react as Dr. Padget in Get Me Out of Here from Rachel Reiland. He always seem to say the right thing to his patients. (In case you haven't read the book, Dr. Padget was a therapist who knew a lot about borderline, therefore helping Rachel recovered from it.)


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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:46 am 
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Yes, I did read the book. I know there are good T's out there because I have one. He's the T who diagnosed me with BPD and has helped me so much! He's the one I share with the most. He understands and he validates me. It makes all the difference in the world to me!

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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 8:22 am 
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Living Flower-
Quote:
I guess I was trying to "dump" my emotional/mental weight on somebody else, instead of dealing with it. Sometimes, it just seems soooo hard to bear on my own, that it seems it might be a little bit easier if people knew what I go thru. However, I agree with you two that is best to work on my issues on my own. And let people know gradually who I am.


I don't think it is a good idea to tell NEW people everything, or maybe even anybody....but.....

This passage has me concerned that your impression is that I'm suggesting that you try to do this all by yourself. I'm not at all. I firmly believe that a good support structure is increadibly helpful in recovery. If you don't have that in RL in terms of existing friends or family, I really suggest getting a good therapist or slowly devoloping those relationships. This board is also good to talk and bouce things off people who do know what it's like to have BPD.

I guess I'm saying there is grey. For me, it's not a don't tell anyone thing. It's a be careful thing, and only tell bits to the 'right' people. I know that is not really clear, but it is what it is.

Your right, dealing with all this IS sooooo hard to bear on your own. Please seek support however is best for you. Don't overwhelm yourself or your recovery is already one step behind, IMO. At the same time, feeling your feelings is part of recovery. We can't 'dump' too much on others, whether it's about mental health or our day at work or whatever. Seperation of stuff from the toolbox.

I know it's complicated and I'm probalbly just confusing you now (not my intent), but....you have to do what's right for you, I can't tell you what that is.

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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 2:33 pm 
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Harmonium wrote:
I know it's complicated and I'm probalbly just confusing you now (not my intent), but....you have to do what's right for you, I can't tell you what that is.


No, I don't think I am confused about what you said, and I also know I won't be able to recover on my own. I am in the process of building a support structure. Currently I am looking for a good therapist. Does anybody know of a good therapist in Austin, Texas?


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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 10:50 am 
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Hey LF. I have some friends in Austin who have recommended their therapists. (I live 90 miles away so choose to see one near me) I'll see if I can get the names and PM them to ya.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 2:22 pm 
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That's awesome Romanee, I will really appreciate that information!


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