BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I am 33 years old, and was diagnosed with Bpd when I was 22. I am also diagnosed with OCD, bipolar and Social Anxiety, along with being suspected of having Aspergers Syndrome, so I have quite a lot to contend with.

I have, to a degree, calmed down. I do not shout and scream, and I have never been violent towards others as a general rule, unless I felt unfairly or roughly handled.

However, I have just experienced only my second real life (non internet) relationship (it simply developed from friendship) and it has proven disastrous and I find myself struggling to cope. Basically, he drinks a lot when there is any stress, and even when I did my best to explain calmly, how I felt and what my thoughts were when insecure, he took it as an insult and asked why I couldn't just 'let it go'. I wrote reams, gave him a book on bpd, suggested ways of reassuring me when we had to be apart, but none of it seemed to compute, and eventually, he erupted at me twice. The last time, the Sunday before last, he came round, found I had hurt myself, and started shouting at me, broke some of my things, tried to kick the bathroom door in when I went there to escape, and asked what I was 'grizzling for' when I was crying. I did not shout back. I just cried and trembled and tried to escape.

He did a lot for me to begin. Wanted to do all he could to make me happy, but eventually, resentment built when my insecurities and issues persisted ( not helped by his admittance he had cheated on the mother of his children). He refuses to acknowledge he has a drink problem. And now says 'he doesn't know what to say anymore'.

Yes, I did the usual thing... If he started meeting me later, or if we had a day apart, I would fret, fill up with negative thoughts, tell him I didn't feel as if he cared anymore...or suggested he was with someone else etc...then I would hate myself for being so selfish. Story of my life, this conflict between knowing I should be reacting differently internally, yet still feeling I have been wronged.

Anyway, I am hoping to maybe find tactics to at least be able to express my insecurities in ways that might not seem insulting to others, or maybe even learn to change the thought habits of the last 23 years. I will be seeing a shrink in October (the first time I have tried to get bpd help in years now having found DBT not for me).

I am getting real struggles right now, to deal with my thoughts...to let go...to stop the abandonment panic and to retain hope...afterall, how can you possibly be good to yourself, and feel yourself to be human and not a monster after reading so many sites where people are told to 'run, run as fast as you can' from those with bpd... and where we are described as 'evil'. It dehumanizes you and leaves you doubting yourself even capable of human love.

Welcome to BPDR. I am glad you're here. And I'm also glad you're scheduled to see a therapist. Have you looked at the Tools on the left hand side of the page? They can help you too.

As I was reading about the man you were involved with, a thought came into my head. If he has drinking problems, how can you expect a stable relationship with him? I would think that your BPD issues are not so much of the problem as how he behaves when he is drinking. How can you be expected to act "normally" when he exhibits such behavior? He has his own issues to deal with, and they stem from himself, not from you. So I would say try not to be so hard on yourself - his drinking behavior is certainly an obstacle.

So you need to take care of yourself, and it seems he needs to take care of himself. I hope the therapy works out for you. And again, check out the Tools on the left side of the page.

Best wishes.

Thanks, and yeah. He stunk of beer even when we first met, as friends. But he stopped for 2 weeks and started drinking again when my insecurities showed themselves. Every disagreement would result in his leaving, getting beer, drinking it, and staying away or coming back and shouting out at me etc. I cannot work with that. And there is a big understanding barrier. He thinks I am chasing away. And insists on it, even though I have explained in great detail why I sometimes react as I do to things, even going so far as to write my triggering thoughts exactly as they occur. What more can I do? I feel my words are pointless as no matter how many ways I try to explain, or suggest how he might help me, and therefore help us, he just says I have chased him away. 10 days now with ever waning contact...going from a very enthusiastic man who wanted to see me almost every evening, and who would text his love to me while at work, to a man who maintains silence now in the daytime and only messages me when I message him, is proving highly distressing and is playing havoc with my mind...afterall, with the whole way the bpd mind works, how can it possibly process someone who loves me, turning what he used to give me, off like this?

I have looked at all the tools. I have been here before a long time ago and looked at the tools. Some will be more useful to me than others. I think the 5 steps appeals the most and the 4 agreements.

has it occured to you he is controlling you with his behavior?

have you thought about stopping it for a bit and just sorting thru it and seeing the best choice of action when he does this?

if you are trying to change only to keep him happy, it isnt gonna work. we must change for ourselves, not anothers ideas or views. his behavior is his stuff. (check out separation of stuff at the left) his choice of how he behaves toward you. he is using your behavior as a excuse for his choices. wont work!

i wont comment on the drinking, i am in al anon and might not be real objective with it. he started drinking again because he chose it, not because of you. i guarantee ya that one.

he needs some self responsibility...imho*

i think this is a good time for separation of stuff. not his games...just my 2 cents...jody and hi, nice to meet you!