BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hello everybody,
I'm not sure what I am supposed to say here, but I want to talk about my condition, and it might be kind of depressing, so if you don't want to read on, you should know that. I have not been diagnosed with BPD officially, but my therapist says I have borderline tendencies and symptoms, and when I read about it it sounds so much like me. Maybe I'm just depressed, but it's been like this every since I was 15, and I'm 27. I've been suicidal, if not consciously, then sub-consciously, ever since then. By that, I mean I want to give up all of the time, and self-sabotage. Nothing means anything to me. I don't see the point in anything. Everything is a huge struggle.

What I don't get, is that I feel like my life hasn't been THAT bad from an outside perspective. I mean, I read about BPD, and they say it is usually in females, and many with BPD have a history of phsyical/sexual abuse. I am a guy, and I wasn't sexually abused. I know people are like ", why is that kid so messed up?" My father comitted suicide when I was 8. I got made fun all of the time after that because the world became very threatening. Then during middle school I developed an awful relationship with my Mom when she basically kept me away at boarding school because she thought it was best for me, but I always felt like she didn't want to deal with me, and I felt largely neglected and unloved. The truth is that the people at the boarding school advised her to keep me there, but back then, all I knew was that my mother was rejecting me, and I pleaded to come home, because I hated it so much. I got made fun of all of the time, and I believed all of it. Now, I hate myself uncontrollably. I know I may feel sorry for myself. I know people get physically abused, and I could have had it SO much worse, and I feel guilty for feeling so bad, when I feeling like I shouldn't it. In truth, my Mom just didn't know what to do after my Dad died, and she is now very supportive of me, but it doesn't help anymore. I can't help the way I think. I feel like I was so ruined during that one period, that I can't change, no matter how aware I am of my disfunction. Well, it's way more complicated than this, but its hard to explain, and kind of pathetic.

Anyway, like I said, I don't know if I have BPD, but I feel really empty on the inside, and I have utterly no sense of self. I just constantly try to reinvent some image of myself by mentally constructing it in the moment when I'm around people, but it takes so much energy. The pain always drags me down. I can't even hang out anymore with my friends. Its just too painful, and all I want it to do is to just be able to hang out with my friends, and be comfortable. I hate being alone, but I have no choice. Lately, I've been really noticing, just observing how utterly broken I am on the inside, and it's very discouraging. I thought I had control over this. Over myself and my problems. I've been struggling against myself since I was 15, trying very hard to figure myself out and get back. Therapy, journal writing, constantly trying to figure out the core problem, analyzing, thinking, thinking, thinking. I've put my mother through so much agony, and also my brothers, and even my friends when I break down, become suicidal, or just rant about super heavy stuff. I've tried to off myself three times, one of them very serious, and I've threatened or faked it other times. I've cut too, but I don't really like to do, only when things get too painful, like if I get into a fight with my Mom. That's pretty much the only thing that will do it. I used to do when I was 15 but then I stopped.

the reason I'm here, is because I guess I'm giving up. I am losing hope. It seems like whenever I start to make progress, the perfect thing happens to mess it all up, like someone knows that one thing that could bring it all down, and this has happened time again, setting me back for months, or even years, to regain the progress I made. This has happened so many times, I am beginning to think "what's the point?" If I do somehow make it back up, something will probably happen and I'll just get knocked down again.

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate to vent all of this negativity, but, this is me. I'm not sure if I belong. If I don't sound BPD, just let me know, and I"ll stop coming here.

Hi, Core, and welcome. I'm glad you found us. You don't need any kind of official diagnosis to be here, so make yourself at home.

You certainly don't have to have been sexually abused to develop BPD. What you went through, with your Dad's suicide and then being farmed out to boarding school, was, whether it was intended and permanent (your father's death) or temporary and well-intentioned (your mother's decision to send you away to school), a huge abandonment for you. Also, when you begged to come home from school and your mother didn't validate your feelings, you were further neglected. It doesn't matter that your mother probably has always loved and cared for you and thought she was doing the right thing for you -- you *perceived* her actions as abandonment/neglect, it was real for you, and it hurt you.

I'm sorry it's late tonight and I need to get to bed so I don't have time to write more. I hope you'll stick around, and maybe participate in some of the forums. BPD isn't a death sentence -- you *can* get better, though it will take some work on your part. It's worth the effort, believe me.

Welcome Core!!!

I relate to what you are saying in your post. I didn't have the terrible, horrible childhood either, although there were incidents and invalidation like in yours. It was not 'bad' from an outside perpective. That's not the point. How you felt, how you interpreted your childhood or your current situation is, IMHO. It's all reletive. What might be really, really hard on one person is just daily life for another. I don't think what happened in our past matters as much as what we do now, the choices we make now in the present to affect and effect our current realities.

You said something that struck me in your post. ***"I can't help the way I think"**** I don't believe that way. I used to, but all it got me was a lot of misery and dispair, suicidal tendancies. I began to realize that thoughts were just habits. Thinking was something I had control over, I had the choice to decide the subject matter and tone of my thoughts. So, I made a conscious effort to change my thininking. It was hard and slow, still is sometimes, but it works. Old thought patterns (old habits) are resilliant, but I am more determined than they are. I learned to adjust my thinking, to adapt my thinking in such a way that the old way was no longer valid, no longer beneficial in any way to me so I could not continue with those old thoughts with any seriousness. There was no longer any truth in them as they pertain to my current reality.

My sincere hope for you is that you will be able to challenge some of your old habits (thinking) in such a way that it is no longer beneficial to you in any way to 'hate' yourself or be 'disfunctional'.

This site, through the use of the Tools found on your left side of the screen, can really help. The four agreements are a great place to begin. I have been in the head space where I saw no hope, no love for myself. I was there in my dysfunction for more than 15 years. There is an upside--I am now trying for a baby (my first) with my H. It can be done, there is hope! No perfection here (I don't believe in unicorns either), but happiness can be achieved.

I hope to see you around. Please feel free to browse or post as you see fit. Welcome, sincerely.

Hi Core and welcome.
Whether or not you have had a formal diagnosis and regardless of if you fit the average history of one with BPD... The Tools box on the left side here will benefit you tremendously as you try to find your way through. It isn't easy but it can be done. You've gotten off to a great start by coming here and just talking.

Thanks. I'm so glad to see you've replied. I didn't recieve any e-mail notifications, so I assumed that no one responded to my morbid post, yet I checked tonight, and now I see. Thank you SO much for responding. you are helping me so much right now. I feel so awful. It never stops, ever, but I'm glad you are here.