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 Post subject: Newbie - High functioning/Out Acting - Would love your help.
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 5:52 am 
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Hi

I'm 35 and first became aware of BPD during my undergrad studies 17 years ago. When I first read the diagnostic criteria I recognised myself immediately. I found the definition of personality disorder really confronting and off puting as PDs are seen to be untreatable and I was absolutely NOT willing to believe I couldn't get better and learn skills to lead a happier more effective life. In my late teens/early 20's I was hardly able to function, found it really hard to make/keep friends, and could not hold down work. With lots of counselling and personal development work I've gotten a lot better!

I really loved the 4 categories of BPD that are detailed here at BPDR. I am absolutely the "High Functioning - Out Acting" BPDer. I have a lovely group of close friends, have been able to work full time for the past 11 years (with occasional periods where my depression/anxiety has flared up and I've had to take 1-6 weeks off), I'm engaged with a baby on the way and most people who meet me (at work or socially) would see me as being open, outgoing, friendly, and together. And I AM all that.

HOWEVER...I'm also an extremely demanding partner. I become very irritable and easily angered by my partner. I can go from 0 - 100 to rage/distress. I have difficulty separating my stuff and his stuff. I have unrealistic expectations and panic/rage when they're not met. I find it hard to tolerate (and often feel I can't tolerate) him not understanding where I'm at emotionally or him saying anything critical (even if it's reasonable) to me. In general I have a tendency to see things in black & white but with many areas of my life this doesn't get triggered and I can let go. But I still can't let go when the issue is personal.

If the issue is personal than I get irrationally attached to HAVING to have the other person agree with my view. This mostly happens with my partner, but it also happens at times with managers, or people who are providing a service to me.

I have a tendency to expect anyone who is providing me with customer service to be perfect (warm, helpful, knowledgeable, competent). I get angry/offended/outraged/arrogant/scared (depending on the situation) if someone who is serving me (supermarket, department store, doctor, whoever) isn't doing a "good enough" job. It's like I can't tolerate being let down or that it makes me offended or it makes me feel vulnerable (I have different responses depending on the type of service - i.e for a doctor/counsellor I'll feel vulnerable so therefore panicky and angry). In the moment when I'm responding to this - I'm aware that my behaviour would appear appalling to anyone observing, yet simultaneously I think I'm RIGHT!. And being "right" is important to me in that moment. Afterwards I often still believe my point of view was valid (and maybe even right) but can see that either it wasn't important OR that it was important but I didn't achieve my goal because of the way I responded OR that I achieved my goal but am soooooooooo ashamed of my behaviour.

What I would really like help with as my first area of growth on this forum is to learn skills to recognise what is going on in the moment, the skills to bring my emotional state down, and the ability to look at my options and act appropriately. I know this is going to take heaps of practice and will most likely start off by me only having the capacity to share these incidents and do work on them after the fact. But I'm hoping that by doing this I'll build "muscle" in these skills and start to be able to use them in the middle of one of these incidents.

Have you guys got any suggestions about books/resources/info I should read, and what threads I should read/get active in?

I'd love to hear from you.

I'm so grateful for this site.

CG.



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 Post subject: Re: Newbie - High functioning/Out Acting - Would love your help.
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 10:13 am 
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Wow! You wrote about me!!!! I can't believe it. I have been the same exact way in my life! One thing my T told me is that I should stop before I react. To separate things. I used to get really angry at my H and would yell and scream at him. But it made things worse. Now I don't react like that anymore. I just stopped. I had to. I know I make it sound easy, but believe me, it's not.

I also have the same reactions regarding salespeople, doctors, etc. My T told me I have a sense of entitlement. Again, I have to stop and not react right away. I think it comes down to expectations. We have too high expectations. I'm dealing with a situation right now where that is the case. I have to learn patience.

I used to get real angry at the people in my T's office if things didn't go as I liked - like if one of the doctors was late or something. I had to stop taking out my frustration on them. It wasn't their fault. It also ties in with respect. We have to respect other people.

This change doesn't come overnight. But if we're aware of it we can stop it. It will come gradually.

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 Post subject: Re: Newbie - High functioning/Out Acting - Would love your help.
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 1:03 pm 
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I'm impressed. You seem to really have looked at yourself very insightfully. I'm high functioning/in acting myself, but I identify with much of what you describe--I just turn those emotions inwards.

The Tool box on your left side of the screen is a great place to begin. I think you may already have some of the techniques there, but they are good to read and use again and again. For me, the more I read and use them, the better they 'sink in' and work for me in those moments of extreme stress when I am just not thinking rationally--they become more route or second-nature.

I would particularly recommend the seperation of stuff for dealing with boundaries and situations with your fiance--congrats! by the way. The Four Agreements I find are just good general 'rules' to live by--they make my life much less complicated emotionally. Recognizing twisted thinking and learning to untwist is a foundation for me. For working out issues sometimes after the fact, problem-solving, I use the Five Steps.

As far as which threads to jump into....you will have to look around for that one. The forums dealing with the use of the tools may prove to be the ones useful for you to work on your own stuff, but you would probably need to begin your own thread, which is encouraged. I like 'The Couch', 'Season Passes', 'On the Border' and 'Absolutely Positively' for discussing things too. You are most welcome anywhere on the board, please feel free to jump in wherever you see fit. On the front page of the board is a small description of each forum, it helps me know what's what.

There is also lists of books here. That link is from the resource section of the home page.

Hope that helps! Welcome!!

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 Post subject: Re: Newbie - High functioning/Out Acting - Would love your help.
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 3:44 pm 
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Are you seeing a therapist?

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 Post subject: Re: Newbie - High functioning/Out Acting - Would love your help.
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 4:22 pm 
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Hi and thank you so much for your responses.

Bordergirl - it's lovely to know I'm not alone. I don't share this stuff with most people because of my shame, whereas here I can be open and honest about my behaviour. I'm really looking forward to being able to debrief after one of these situations and I'm hoping that when I'm at home and start to lose it with my man that I'll be able to take time out, log on here, and work through my stuff before returning to interact with him. I'm amazed that you were able to "just stop" and I'm so glad you followed that up by saying that made it sound easy but it wasn't. Cause I don't know how to "just stop" yet. But I have faith that with the support of this forum I will.

I'm not seeing a therapist right now. I just moved interstate and was seeing someone there. I've run out of sessions that can be reimbursed through insurance but I'll qualify for more sesssion as of next year. However, I'm now living in a rural location and access to a good quality therapist may be v hard to find. I've been to various therapists for varying periods of time (one for about two years on a regular basis). Whilst I find a good therapist helpful I'm at the point now where I "know" a lot and function really well except for those areas I described in my initial post. What I need most now is the ability to practice on a daily basis and a structure and forum to do this - which BPDR provides - and an ability to reach out to others in the middle of a rage or distress episode - which BPDR provides! Bless Ash :kiss

Harmonium - Thank you for all the links. I looked at all of these before I registered. I've now cut and pasted these into Word documents and I'm going to print them out and put them up near my bed as well as keeping copies in my handbag. These sorts of tools are so simple that it's easy to read them and go "uh huh, yes, that makes sense" and then forget them because they are so common sense. I have to make a committment to review them regularly and USE them! LOL. This forum will help me do this and I'm sooooooooooooooooooo grateful :pray

And thank you for the suggestions of threads you like. I will check these out. I'll check everything out! I'm so ready for this. And I've checked out the book list too. Thank you.

Take care of yourselves
CG


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 Post subject: Re: Newbie - High functioning/Out Acting - Would love your help.
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 4:40 pm 
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It is great that you have so much insight into the things you want to change and that you seem to be highly motivated to change. You came to the right place!

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 Post subject: Re: Newbie - High functioning/Out Acting - Would love your help.
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 6:15 pm 
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Denim Blue wrote:
It is great that you have so much insight into the things you want to change and that you seem to be highly motivated to change. You came to the right place!


Thanks for the welcome DB :) I am so excited as I'd felt that I'd gotten all I could from therapy (because of location I haven't been able to find anyone who specialises in BPD) but knew that I needed to do more work. I felt that I needed the assistance of a support group I could work with on a daily basis (or as often as I could). Unfortunately because of the rural location I hadn't been able to get online for 7 months and felt really isolated. We've moved (still live in a rural location) which has internet and am so grateful for this site and all your support.


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 Post subject: Re: Newbie - High functioning/Out Acting - Would love your help.
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 7:18 pm 
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CG - I dont' share my "stuff" with other people either. I don't think it's anyone's business that I have BPD, except for my H, of course. Telling people causes me more problems than it's worth.

Stopping the behavior was not easy. It was extremely difficult. I still have relapses. My T has worked with me to help me with this. I also do DBT skills that helps. It takes all my energy not to blow up and fly off the handle. It's a lot of self-talk!

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