BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hello,
I'm here looking for answers and I'm ready to recognize the worst in myself -- that I'm terribly mentally ill -- because I've survived others' mental illness and I know how devastating it can be when someone is not ok and doesn't want to hear it.

Look, I know that I'm the only person I can change. I can live with that. I've surrendered to whatever loves me out there, that if I'm at the root of some or all of the suffering I'm enduring, it's at least a starting point for healing. And if it is true that I'm not as sane as I thought I was, then I'm clear that it's time to push up my sleeves and get busy learning and growing. Finding out that I'm mentally ill would not be a death sentence. The right diagnosis could be an invitation to live, and live better than I ever imagined possible. I've seen this miracle happen for others. And in my day, I've helped others on that journey. I've also weathered the storm when those I love have pushed the invitation away. And I know the deep grief of living with the knowledge that there's a better way, if only my sick loved one could find some answers for themselves. But, then I remember... I can only change me and my world view.

So, I'm here to see if I can find out who I really am. I know something's wrong. My life is and has always been way too chaotic and unpleasant for me to ignore it anymore. Sure, I can see that I have been treated badly by way too many for way too long, but, I can also see that there must be some component where I have avoided mastery of where and with whom I have found myself. I was innocent when my parents neglected and tortured me as a child, and I was ignorant when the strangers I chose to love came along and gained entry into my heart. But now, with my life at least half over, I can acknowledge that it's high time I found ways of protecting myself -- from myself -- that is, from the dangers I wander into when I don't consciously exercise my right to be safe and well-loved. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy, and since I am at least one of the architects of my moments on this planet, I would like to have better prophecies for myself and lose all these demeaning, self-destructive ideas about love, relationships, rejection, abandonment, friendship and so on.

At this time, I find myself married to my childhood sweetheart (because I didn't trust my ability, with all my battle scars, to choose a good man anymore) and he has a dual diagnosis of bipolar and Asperger's Syndrome. Life with him has been heaven and hell, for ALL his neurotypical friends and relatives. Perfect setting for my psychosis to run amuck, right? And then I wonder why I'm so miserable. Shame, guilt, self-deprecation... hmmm...

I believe my mother has had BPD all along, but, for the last 15 years or so, has completely "gone over the border" and lives in a perpetual state of psychosis. Her madness is quite epic, actually. No-one is "safe" anymore. Even the postman runs if he sees her coming! Even though I work hard at having minimal contact with her, I think I'm joining her. I've lost the ability to hide the monster within and find myself acting out just as she does. Shame, guilt, self-deprecation... starting to sound familiar?

My father is a co-dependent enabler, her toadie. I've tried to entreat him to intervene and guide his wife to help. He's too afraid of her to even attempt it, and we children don't have the say-so to reach her. And so, he's left his children in harm's way, pleased, when we are the target of mom's latest tirade, that it wasn't him this time. I try not to, but I really resent my father. Shame, guilt, self-deprecation... you know the drill.

To top everything off, I live in a foreign country where I can't speak for myself (I've only been in France for 2 years and my older brain just can't absorb the language quick enough), there's been a bureaucratic mix up on getting my resident papers finalized so that I can work and I can't drive, make phone calls, or deal with tradesmen without the constant aid of my bipolar, autistic husband. And if you know anything about Asperger's, you know that the lack of emotional reciprocation is monumentally heartbreaking.

I should mention I'm also probably pre-menapausal. Yippee. And both my adult children are at that crossroads in life where they are reaching out to me (they have an absentee father) with questions like, "what should I do with the rest of my life?" I am trying to stay strong and present for them. But it's next to impossible while I'm barely able to walk steadily on my feet because I'm so wracked with emotional and psychological agony. I have literally physically collapsed at least twice this week already. It's like a near-faint where my legs turn to jello and I have to sink to the floor. Inside of me a storm of terror and intrusive thoughts batters at the edges of my sanity, and it takes all my will and strength to overcome it. A few days ago, I finally lost it in public and raged at a little old lady. I'm done. That's enough. I can't live like this anymore. I need sanity more than I need to be right about how cruel the world is. If this all makes me BPD, then fine. It's better than being a raging lunatic!

All that said, I come here confused about one thing in particular: When is someone really a victim and when is someone being self-destructive? When is it emotional murder and when is it emotional suicide? I see from reading all the wonderful pre-emptive articles on this website that some part of BPD is an extreme, black and white perspective. Ok. But is it paranoia if they really are out to get you? Or is it more like, the BPD needs to recognize behaviors and decision-making patterns that put them in the way of victimizers? And once you've come to the conclusion that it was, at least partially, your fault that you experienced all these horrible interactions with other people, what's left but shame, guilt, self-deprecation... ?

I know this is a lot for a first post. Believe it or not, this was as short as my pain could make it. I really pray that there is hope out there for me and those who depend on me so that I can live up to my potential and not just fall into the bottomless abyss of insanity.

Thank you for reading this,
Leananshae

p.s. I think I saw that this site is British. I didn't mention that I'm from the States. Not that it matters. Just a detail.

Welcome Leananshae!

I'm a newbie here too (just arrived on Saturday) and have loved it here. It sounds like you're in pain at the moment. I'm glad you got the opportunity to express yourself. It can be such a relief for me to get things out of my head.

For me - knowing that people are "out there" and that I'm actually communicating and reaching out is so much more helpful than journalling for me (although journalling has it's place too).

I recommend looking at the Tools on the left of the screen and the info on the right of the screen on the home page as a starting point, and then just checking out some of the threads. This helped me get an understanding of how I could use this forum to reach out and to practice healthier living.

Keep posting and don't be afraid to jump into existing threads

Hiya!

Woah difficult situation for you. I know some french (it's a hard language to learn) but found it hard enough to explain my issues in my native tongue let alone trying to translate things also.

You seem to have a fair amount of insight into your issues though. Hope you find some skills that will help you cope here.

One thing I have learned for sure is that there is always hope!



In my experience yep recognising those thing is a good start and for sure changing how you behave, do things and what you allow helps tons. Coming to learn to look after your self and having boundaries around what you will and will not accept, is pretty key.

But the latter half of the above quote is pretty indicative of a low self esteem. Shame guilt and depreciation don't help. They kept me stuck for a very long time.

Something that helped me recently has been to come to view each day as a new start. The events of yesterday are in the past. Although I may have to accept some responsibility for what happened. I can't change what happened. It is counterproductive to hold myself ransom for things I didn't know either. My past is a product of my past thinking and my past view of the world. Every day I get to start afresh, and move forward, because I learn something from every mistake I ever make. I can't hold myself responsible for not using a knife and fork as an infant, before anyone introduced me to those tools.

I am human, humans make mistakes. Its a way to learn.

I certainly understand that. Not so much with my husband -- who does have some of those traits, definitely. I guess he gives me as much emotional reciprocity as I need and expect. But with someone else I know, it's been real frustrating. Like, I know he likes me, but he doesn't show it in the normal ways. I do find just, understanding the idea of neurodiversity, and some people's brains working differently (even without pinning a particular label on him) helps some. Helps me let go of expecting normal from him. The big help for me, which may not apply to you, is letting that inner part that relates to him, but which doesn't usually deal with social stuff, letting that part lend her understanding to the rest of me.

Thank you all for the warm welcomes! There is a lot of good advice and insight in your posts and I'm terribly grateful for the time and care you all have taken to reach out to me. I'm eager and listening.

I've been a tad better these last few days since finding BPDR. I have the site up 24/7 on my computer screen and just seeing it there comforts me. Silly, huh? But, even virtual camaraderie at this point is an improvement. Plus, I've started applying some things I've learned -- I'm reading and soaking in a lot here -- and my days are not 100% great, but, I have hours at a time now where I feel peaceful and ok in my skin. That's huge!

For me, the not taking things personally has been a God-send! And so is the recognizing that my emphatic extreme unilateral thinking is faulty. I can see now some patterns in my world view that have taken my well-being hostage (the ransom is on its way!). I also am working on not needing to control everything and everyone around me, because now, I see that as coming from fear, not superiority.

Where I'm still very weak is in my lashing out when I don't practice HALT. After having a pretty peaceful day, I behaved really badly last night toward my H and that just totally decimated my self-esteem. The up side to that was that, instead of my fury gathering momentum and streaming out of me to harm another person, the energy actually seemed to drop off somewhere into nothingness, and I just went limp inside and wasn't able to take my self-disgust around abusing him and turning it on him. Not raging at him based on how out-of-control and self-loathing I was feeling made it so that I didn't keep compounding the ugliness that was seething inside of me! What a relief! I still felt yucky, but I didn't make it worse and that's not usually how it goes.

Being stranded in my own sh*t is not a punishment anymore -- it's a total gift!!!!! And instead of shame, which effectively stymies my ability to move forward, I know now that I can choose to own my behavior and decide to do something else (like shut the heck up!). I'm only a victim when I don't exercise my ability to care for myself by checking my gun at the door! Whew! What a load off my shoulders not to have the job of judging and trying to run the whole world! All I've got on my plate is, um, ME! How can I possibly know how my H should act when I don't even take care of my own behavior?!

I'm a baby to all this, but I'm a willing student, if not a starving waif. I'm scared and unsure, but I know there's something better than how it's been for so long. Any relief is heaven to me. Strife and chaos are hell. I don't want hell. If that means being shown I've been wrong about a lot of things, so be it. I'd rather have self-love than self-delusion any day!

Thank you to all the helpful souls here at BPDR! I'm hanging in there and with your encouragement and collective wisdom, I have a chance now of finding my way to inner serenity.

Be well,
Lea