BPDRecovery.com: Forums

..recently diagnosed with bpd (3 months)...nice to finally know what is going on with me..biggest turmoil that is in my life is my current relationship....we have been off/on again for the last 11 months...i love her very much but i wonder if i would be better off to be take a break for awhile...we see each other a couple of times a week but she has a tendancy to cancel on me which obviously kicks into abdonment issues i have...she also recently told me she wants more solitude in her life...i asked her if she wants to go then go..sometimes i feel like am convenient for her...i know this could be my twisted thinking but it's how i feel...i feel weak and vulnerable when i don't hear from her..i know i need to cultivate love for myself but i don't know where to begin...she is constantly on my mind and it drives me buggy...help please...

welcome. nice to meet ya. i just wanted to say one thing...

you said "this could be twisted thinking". indeed it could be, BUT, it could also be you have a SO who is just using you and your gut feeling is right on and perfectly normal.

this is whats hard for me, to know is it my own issues and am i imagining or is it something a "normal" (for lack of a better word) person would feel?

i find relationships so hard as i have never had any decent ones.

this takes time and small steps to learn, so have patience with yourself. and some of it is just.."doing". practicing rewording your thoughts, and such.

please check out the "Tools" on the left side of the page, wander around and read, and post!

hey thanks for the reply...i am beginning to think we are just two different people...she needs her 'alone' time so much more than i do....not slagging on her but maybe we are just two different creatures...she was an only child where i can from a family of nine...with a twin to boot...i don't know if its the bpd but when i fall for someone i want to be with them...otherwise i feel what is the point of the relationship...ah well i can only be true to myself

hi back!

this is what my T taught me about relationships. and know i have not had a good one in my whole life...lol...i dont deal well with it at all. im too needy and too scared.,,and its just very hard for me. God willing, someday.....

relationships are the gravy to us...the entree. the other is not our parent, our caretaker, or our crutch. nor are we theirs. we are responsible for our happiness, filling our needs, and our actions. no matter what another does, we choose how we react in turn.

another person is our extra. our gravy. to complement us, not create us. to add to our lives. nothing more. not to BE our life.

take it as you will. as we say here, sort, toss or keep. but i liked it, i like the idea and i dont think many understand what the real reason for a relationship IS in our lives.

off the subject, i am also a only child and i desperately need alone time. i think its because it was what we learned as children, where you learned to be with many others, we didnt. so i do understand her need there. i love people, but i love my* time. i need it, literally. it isnt wanting to be with them, its more being you and allowing them to be them while together its a "us". but us isnt dependent on the other....make any sense?

just my 2 cents..

wsolo - I am also a twin. I have an identical twin sister. Do you have a sister or a brother?

identical twin brother....we were very close until we hit puberty and then it was battle after battle....i wonder if some of my 'identity' issues are a result of being a twin...or is it more of a bpd thing...

i get that my girlfriend has her own life and 'needs' to be alone..and that is what i am struggling with the most....if she doesn't call or send a txt or email in a day.. i start freaking out...with thoughts of did i do/say something wrong...then wanting to withdraw into myself...it's a an ugly cycle...i have been better and only leaving one voicemail...keeping it positive and upbeat...

i am working on staying in the moment as much as i can...and had some amzing glimpses of being...

thanks for reading...

the gravy part makes sense thanks for adding that..i know i get happiness when i feel validated in a relationship...

hanks again...

Having an identical twin can certainly play into our feelings about ourselves and our identities. I have just finished reading a book called "Identical Strangers" about a pair of twins, Elyse Schein and Paula Bernstein. They wrote about being separated at birth into adoptive families, and then finding out 35 years later that they were each an identical twin. They spoke at a Book Festival in my city and I met them. After their talk, someone I know came up to me and said, with a smile on her face, "Are you the good twin or the bad twin?" I thought she was joking. She said she was serious and that one twin had to be bad and one had to be good. I told her that she's seen too many movies. But this is how a lot of people view identical twins and it can play into feelings of identity and not knowing who we are. I don't believe it CAUSES BPD, but it can certainly contribute (imo).

yes i don't agree that one has to be 'bad'....i would like to think we are both 'good'....i tend to get along better with others but i wouldn't say he is bad in anyway...i agree it can't cause bpd but growing up as a twin was a struggle at times..somewhat difficult finding my 'voice'....when your constantly labled as the 'twins'....

You are so not alone. I am dealing with nearly the exact same thing. I am with my boyfriend of 11 months, also on and off constantly, and he is ready to leave. I tell him to go, when it's not what I want, but I think deep down I feel it's the only way I won't hurt him. We've been friends for years, and have everything anyone could want, except stability. I don't think I really know what normal is, and that is where a lot of relationship problems comes in I think. I just pray that once I find a piece of the real me again, that others will see it too and maybe draw closer once again. I see him also a few times a week, and when not with him, can't think of anything else. He's told me he needs some solitude to get better, as my constant rages have driven him to question his sanity. You are not alone with what you are feeling and going through!!! As much as I often can't take my own advice, you should lol. I seem to take it better from the people on this site, and the people who are still here in my life, than from myself. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP. Things will work out. Maybe not as you want them too, lord knows that's always the way, but they will bring what you need at this point in your life. Try to submerse yourself in literature pertaining to BPD, as well as friends, and some truly enjoyable leisure (something YOU like to do ON YOUR OWN). I write myself affirmations of what I hope to be some day, and read them to myself daily, at least 20 times. The hardest one when you are dealing with BPD is "I like myself". So I started with "No matter what anyone says or does to me, I am still a worthwhile person". After reading that one now for a month, I'm starting to believe it I think lol. There are many tools that can help, and as you focus more on recovery, you will learn more, and find they actually work once you get past the pessimism we all seem to so willingly embrace. Keep your eye on the ball, and you dreams big. We will get better.