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I have been recently diagnosed as borderline (aged 40). misdiagnosed 13 yrs ago as bi-polar and for the past nine years, been under the medical model regime where i was living and spent extensive periods of time in hospital without ever being told that I was borderline. I had no family support (abusive mother, alcoholic dad who died), only child and was living in a rural area and been in and out of dysfunctional relationships (I do not drink at all but seems to be drawn to alcholics) and found myself on the most terrifying rollercoaster journey of lengthly hospitalizations. When i was given the diagnosis (a second opinion) and went on to read numerous books on the condition, it all made so much sense to me and I was then able to find out about dbt treatment and take the necessary steps, which involved moving to another country. After a traumatic nine years and a rape two years ago, I moved here two months ago. I have met with dbt team once and as of yet do not have a back up network. I am suffering from high stress, new country, financial difficulties, trying to earn a living with few dbt skills, which is why I am here.
I have however, made a HUGE MISTAKE, and hoping that somebody on this forum might understand. It seems to be a repeat pattern from childhood. I have always craved the thing I did not have as a child, a family, I was unwanted and have huge issues around abandonment and not belonging. When I decided to move to another country for DBT, I contacted my cousins on my fathers side, whom I have not seen since i was a child. Between my cousin, the Professor who diagnosed me, it was decided that I should receive DTB treatment but not in isolation, so I moved here close to them. I have been here 2 months and have realized that the family is full of serious alcoholism and family illness and I have to protect myself as it makes me feel 'crazy' and frightened. I do not drink or take drugs, but have serious issues around trust, abandonment, cruelty and not belonging. I am currently not in any relationship, practicing mindfulness and awaiting treatment. However,I have just come to realize that I have jumped from one dysfunctional family (of origin) to another. So I am back to my core injury, not belonging, and as I have an emotional regulation disorder (bpd); I am taking this very badly and feeling like the biggest idiot. I made things worse, by contacting my mother (who always hurts me and I should not be in contact with her for my own protection) yesterday and she told me that she was having xmas with a woman called emma whom she has taken on as a substitute daughter for a number of years, my mother knows this will hurt me. I have fought hard to survive for many years but the family blow and no back up, new country, financial difficulty is making me feel like giving up. I know I am a good person but I seem to keep going back to the people that hurt me, even though I KNOW better but I am needy for that kind of love. I hope someone can give me some encouragement to keep going. thanks .

Hi. I wanted to welcome you to the forum. You may be able to find strength here. I have. The people and information here can help.

It is worth it to keep going. I know it's hard--believe me, I know--but you must. There is always a solution to any problem, we just have to figure it out. Hang in there and keep posting. I believe that you can find help here.

I am often discouraged myself, but can relate and will do my best to lift you up doll!

Number one: YOU ARE AWESOME. Don't ever feel like you need to be around people because you are not loved (you are by at least one person on this planet). I know it's easier said than done, and that the feeling of having a family seems to make things all better,but it doesn't. I was raised by my mother (unmedicated, in denial, bipolar) and was badly abused physically, mentally, and emotionally. She abandoned me when I was 15 (hence abandonment issues) and I hadn't spoken to her in 11 years. For the longest time, I felt horrible. Like nobody loved me or could love me. As time passed, so did that feeling. I began to make my life something worth living (got my licence, my GED, my own place no roommates) and 11 years later she found me through fb and tried to come back into my life. I pondered this for days, actually weeks, and decided to meet with her as she's getting old and I felt so guilty about denying her when she was trying to now make an effort. DON'T DO IT.

Some people change, some don't. I met with my mother at a coffee shop, and she seemed totally different from the person who left me. We talked for hours, then parted ways. I set up another meeting with her (my choosing) for dinner a week later, and it was just fine. Again, good company, and oh so different from who she was. Then the third meeting came about, and sadly, she showed me her true colours. She began berating me at the restaurant, telling me she doesn't see me enough, saying how surprised she was that I amounted to anything because I was "just like your father", whom she hates. After about 20 minutes (I don't know why I endured that much of it) I left and told her I can't do this. I was right. Weeks later, I contacted her (again feeling guilty) and tried to just converse over the phone with her, didn't happen. I took the situation to my group (I'm in a program) and asked what they thought. They thought I did the right decision by cutting the ties.

It's often hard to abandon family, especially when you don't have a lot of connections in this world, but sometimes, it's essential to your recovery, if not survival. It really was the hardest decision I've had to make, but I think now, it's the right one. She wasn't and isn't willing to help herself, and I myself am not well. I still deal with the guilt and so many horrible feelings that come from cutting her out of my life (when for so long I prayed she'd come back) but it's a lot easier and healthier to deal with guilt, than deal with abuse.

You are important in this world, as we all have a purpose. Letting someone else hurt you repeatedly isn't worth YOUR time. YOU deserve way more.

What I did, as I had few friends due to my behaviour, was joined a chat site. Not something smutty, but something where people just shoot the shit. It's a good way to meet people, even though you typically don't actually meet face to face. You can converse about everything or nothing, and it gives you the interaction you so desperately crave (it helped me). You made the first move by joining this site. I am very new to it as well, but have already found it so helpful. Just being able to speak freely about our issues, behaviours, and illnesses, has helped more than I thought it could. So many people are going through the same things, and we are all here to help each other. If you ever need anything, I'm here for ya girl!

Keep your chin up, tell yourself daily (at least 10 times a day) "No matter what anyone says or does to me, I am a worthwhile person." I'M SERIOUS. You totally are and need to get it implanted in your brain so that it stays there!!! Good things will happen, good people will flock to you, all things come in time and as YOU get yourself better too.

If it's any consolation, I was diagnosed Bipolar for eight years as well, until just three months ago I was told different. After much research, I concluded that this doctor was right. Everything fit the pattern, and since then, I've been on my way to actually recovering from my illness. Keep your hopes up (sometimes it's all we have) and know that you are loved!!! Hugs to you and get a big blanket, wrap it around yourself, and picture your dream hunk wrapping his arms around you to comfort you when you are blue. (it sounds lame, but I do it and it works for me, my bf isn't exactly touchy feely lol).

Thank you both for wonderful and supportive responses.

To: Keekster
Thanks so much for message. The similarities in family of origin are so unreal. I hadn't seen my mother for ten years and then let her into my life (last year) she put me down so badly and told me "had I known the genetic implications, I would never have had you". My dad was bi-polar alcoholic, he died aged 34 when I was 18 months old and for my whole life she has blamed me for his bad genes, although she married him knowing what he was (but she was ambitious and wanted money and title) she was warned not to marry him due to his alcoholism. She remarried an extremely wealthy man, and just cut me off emotionally and financially. She is typically co-alcoholic, foodie, addicted to money, extremely snobby, rather nazi-ish but very rich and hides behind her money and I became the 'scapegoat". Anyway, thanks for sharing with me your past and I will keep posting. bye for now.

here is where my smart ass would come into play. instead of owning her words and agonizing over them, (and they were very painful to hear) i would say, guess what mummy? you had me, here i am, DEAL. how you see me is YOUR issue. if you cant love me for me, i pity you. and walk off!

if she wont, move on and recognize its her shit with her narrow views. dont own it. you were born and have a right to be alive and are very special. if she cant see it, tough. her loss.

altho my parents didnt have money, my mom had the same thing,. she married "beneath her" to a alcoholic white trash guy and his family. she hated it all her life. said i was just like him and how awful that was. that was mainly about HER insecurities about herself! not me at all.

took me a long time to say well, i cant help how you see me. im me and IM OK being ME.

her words just hurt me to hear. i so hope you dont own them and let it go seeing its her problem, not you. i spent far too many years thinking it was my fault. it wasnt.

your dad couldnt help being bipolar. it is possibly genetic, my daughter is also but i would not change having her for the world.

many things are genetic. would she feel the same with a diabetic or downs syndrome? i wonder. cerebral palsy? etc.

argh. makes me wanna smack her,,,sorry.

I absolutely second that. You are special and kick her and her ignorant comments to the curb baby! She's missing out on someone great by being blind (and that's also her choice). Everyone has a right to life. No matter what they do with it, as long as it doesn't impede on others basic human rights. She is totally impeding on yours, and you need to be strong and stand up to it!!! Hugs and a very Merry Christmas doll! You are awesome!

Thanks all of your for your replies and a happy christmas to you all. I am now in a new country awaiting dbt treatment. Came over to be near father's family as it was advised I should not get dbt treatment in isolation. Before I came over, I was in contact with my cousin and gave him all relevant info about borderline, my traumatic nine years lengthly hospitalisations and my rape two years ago for which I have received no help yet. He was extremely supportive etc. So I arrived here nearly three months ago and have tried to keep myself going with no dtb support yet and being in a new country, trying to support myself with a large rent. As I am living in a rural-ish area, jobs have been hard to come by. I am well qualified but have been so ill in the last nine years that I have been out of work for a number of years and although I am a graphic designer, would really need to retrain. I can't afford to be on a benefit and really wanted to earn my own keep. Have not been able to find a suitable job (worked in a care home, factory, cleaning etc.) but my finances are in dangerous situation. I have to give up the house I am in and try to find a room to rent. My cousins have not helped at all (I haven't asked for anything but was hoping for a bit of moral support). I am scared and very stressed out. I can not return to where I just came from. I have a small council house there (trying to sell) as rape was by a man living nearby. Meant to spend Xmas with cousins but yesterday at about 4 o'clock, they changed arrangements and I am now on my own. I feel very raw and vulnerable as I allowed my cousin before coming over to know about borderline and my vulnerabilities, he asked me to trust him and I have been let down again. I do not know where to go, what to do. My next app. with DBT team is Jan 18th. Thanks for any advice.

Well, to start things off..... GREAT BIG HUGS!!!! I find you to be a brave and ever persistent soul. You are doing the best with what you know, and seem to have stayed so focussed and grounded even after all you've been through, GOOD FOR YOU. Being through something as traumatic as rape is often life changing, and leaves so many people without the strength to move forward, BUT you are. Again, GOOD FOR YOU. I hope you get some help for that, as without it, you will never cope with it in a healthy way (may I suggest picking up some books from a nearby library on rape victims? Could offer some coping tips til you get the help you need and deserve).

With regards to the finances, it will be a struggle. I am currently going through the same thing and am now finally dealing with it and accepting it. I've been managing a busy office for 9 years, making ridiculous amounts of money, driving a company car (brand new) and never worrying about money. Now, I'm on assistance, live in a trailer park with my brother, and never have enough money to last me to my next cheque. It will pass, like all things. Accepting that I will need to be poor to get better, wasn't easy. I am in a program full time now and couldn't work if I needed too (which I do). Between class and homework, leisure, and meditation, plus all my ADLs (active daily living) I have no time to go back to work. I miss working, I miss the people, and I miss the money, but I know now that my mental health is getting to where it should be so that when these things come, I will truly appreciate them, and be able to handle them. YOU WILL GET THERE. The sacrifice is totally worth it, or will be lol.

With regards to Christmas, you're spending it with me!!! LOL. I'm on here, hopefully you will read this today, and know that no matter what the day, we all deal with the same thing EVERYDAY. Christmas or not. Did your cousin tell you why he couldn't keep to the plans? It may be something unrelated to what you are thinking it is. Maybe talk to him and dig a little deeper into it (but rationally) and maybe you'll see that you still can trust him. Give everyone a fair chance, just like we all want.

[quote="lolita"] I do not know where to go, what to do. quote]

Why do you have to go anywhere just because it's Christmas? I'm pretty much snowed in and have been for days. Going out at all has been limited, and normally only by neccessity. Make yourself a fabulous dinner, whatever you want (even if that's mac and cheese), put on a good movie that YOU like, or listen to the radio, a favourite CD, whatever makes YOU happy, and put your feet up and worry about nothing. Take a bubble bath, or even just a hot bath if you don't have the bubbles. Appreciate that you are alive on another Christmas, and that you are comfortable spending it alone. That's a big success. Just do whatever your heart desires today, don't fret over anything other than what you're going to snack on next tongiht, and be happy that you're you. We are. Hugs