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 Post subject: Merry Christmas, at the Abyss
PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2008 6:32 am 
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Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2008 4:32 pm
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I am recently diagnosed.

Two days ago, I didn't know anyone out there knew what I was going through. Two days ago, I thought I had social anxiety.

Two days ago, I spent my first night, scared, shivering and confused, in jail. I got a ticket for my first DUI.

Jason, my boyfriend of 1 1/2, had just come home. We got in a small fight, I had been drinking. I went to the kitchen and I wanted to break something, like they do on t.v. I never shattered anything on purpose before, and it occured to me something worthwhile and possibly gratifying. I took a plate out, aimed it, and threw it on the ground. It bounced around but did not break. After three more attempts, I gave up the plate in search of something more delicate and opted for one of the champagne glasses I bought for our anniversary.
It shattered all over the kitchen floor. I picked up a nice little piece and thought about a time when I was much younger and had been cut by glass. How the bleeding doesnt stop and how easy it opens skin.
I cut myself over and over and over, enjoying the glistening beads of burgundy oozing up from the thin gashes.

I put on a sweater, got in my car, and headed for the gas station. I made it two streets before I got pulled over for a taillight out.

I am so glad I know now how many other people feel just like me. Cant wait to meet and talk with you all.

Merry christmas


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 Post subject: Re: Merry Christmas, at the Abyss
PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2008 11:00 am 
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Joined: Fri Nov 28, 2008 1:29 pm
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I am new on this forum and have only recently been diagnosed with bpd. I am awaiting dbt treatment. Was misdiagnosed aged 27 and am now 40. Have had a traumatic 9 years. I just want to wish you a happy xmas, I am sorry to hear you are having a horrible time, I am not too good myself but there is plenty of support on this forum. Please take care of yourself.


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 Post subject: Re: Merry Christmas, at the Abyss
PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2008 11:37 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1800
Location: texas
how did any of that help you?

how did any of that harm you?

did you learn anything from the experiences?

is there things you could have done diff to have a more positive outcome?

_________________
"no one can walk on you unless you lay down first"
-old saying-


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 Post subject: Re: Merry Christmas, at the Abyss
PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2008 2:02 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2008 4:32 pm
Posts: 3
Well, it always harms me. I am doing 45 days restriction on my boat. I can't go anywhere, see anyone for christmas or new years or anything. I really want to die, and I would just help myself to it if it wasn't for my mom. I couldn't leave that hurt behind.

I don't know what to do to keep myself up right now. Waves of shadow, like a black ocean, sweep over the light inside. They wash, I wane.

I just want to give in to it, but I need to keep going, for everyone that loves me.

I will give myself fully to treatment, and pray that I might find a way to escape from this monster that is myself. From the rocketing, uncontrollable emotions that sweep me past reason and peace. Peace, that is what I long for.

Thank you, for listening, for being there.

I thought so much of what is BPD was just unique to my personality, it is both gratifying and somewhat saddening to find out it is this thing. I want to be normal, think clearly, hurt less.

Merry Christmas all.


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 Post subject: Re: Merry Christmas, at the Abyss
PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2008 10:29 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 14, 2008 12:04 pm
Posts: 72
So sorry to hear your predicament, but being diagnosed is the first step to recovery. Now that you know what you are dealing with things are going to get a lot worse for the first bit (I'm not gonna lie to you love) but only so they can get a lot better. I've been diagnosed about three months and had a mental breakdown (worse than I already was) when I got the news. Was diagnosed Bipolar eight years ago, meds weren't helping much, if at all, and finally I had a diagnosis that made all my chaos make sense. I use to cut a lot as well, have many MANY scars along my arms that I am constantly questioned about. I admittingly cut myself quite recently for the first time in years (I'm now 27, started at 14) and am still regretful for it. I talked to my psychiatrist about it, and my daily group (i'm in a treatment program) and have people looking out for me. I've dealt with suicidal thought since the age of 10, and have learned to keep that part of self harm away. Even when the feelings are super intense, I keep what I can subdued and the rest usually follows. Scars are reminders of not only self pain, but the pain that brought us to that. Something that sucks everytime I look down. For along time I didn't want to forget the people and things that had hurt me, but now that things have a purpose, a path, a dream again, I wish I could just erase what is forever etched into my body. The mind moves forward, but my skin stays the same.

The next little bit is going to be uber confusing, majorly frustrating, and you may want to give up (sometimes on a daily basis). Do yourself and the ones you care about a favour, dont. Keep you dreams very much alive of what you want for yourself and others around you. Remember we are stronger than we really seem to give ourselves credit for, and keep your chin up. Find something you love (even if it's colouring, I love it!) and go to it on the days you think nothing matters. Distracts your mind, clears you head, and brings some enjoyment.

Things will get better, we will all get better (if we just earnestly try) and remember we are all here for you! Welcome welcome!!!! Merry Christmas, Happy New Years! And all that jazz. Never worry about judgment here, and know that someone's gone through what you have somewhere on this site (at least that's what I'm finding, and I've done some stupid things lol).

Peace and love


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