BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I'm so glad I found out about this web site! I just finished reading Rachel Reiland's memoir, "Get Me Out of Here" and at the end there is a list of several resources, this site being one of them.

I was diagnosed about one month ago. The first diagnosis was cyclothymia. I took a psychological evaluation and received the BPD diagnosis. I immediately read every thing I could get my hands on and felt bad to know that yes, this is me. I also suffer from depression. I am High Functioning-Out Acting. I'm not suicidal and don't do things like cutting myself, and have never been hospitalized. My main issues are anger/outbursts/acting out....saying mean, hurtful things to my S.O. and once I calm down, feeling very guilty, worthless, hopeless, and depressed. I have a severe fear of abandonment. I wasn't physically abandoned by either parent but emotionally abandoned.
I was around alcoholism until around 10 years old. I really only remember 3 years of it when I lived around my extended family who were all alcoholics during that time. My father was in the military so at that time he was stationed near his family. Because of the alcoholism, plus moving around w/him being in the military, I experienced lots of loss (from moving) and emotional abandonment due to the drinking. My father was a weekend binge drinker which affected me and my mom and of course how she related to me.

I unfortunately am an only child and don't live anywhere near extended family. They are across the country. My parents live an hour away and I really don't have any friends. I have one "friend" who is severely bi-polar so our "friendship" is a phone friendship with me being her therapist which takes a lot of energy and I feel angry and used a lot of times. The couple of good friends I have live out of state and we try to maintain contact by telephone although one of them I rarely talk to b/c she has severe anxiety about talking on the phone.

I have been w/my boyfriend for around 2 years and it has been very up and down, due to my behaviors and up and down moods. I'm always surprised that he's stayed with me. He did leave me last year for 5 months but came back. I vowed to do things differently, and I REALLY want to but I can't seem to control my outbursts. I did it again last night and wound up spending new year's eve alone...it was awful, I felt so alone and sorry for myself but I also know I did it to myself.

I also recently realized I'm codependent so started attending a CODA group in November. It's helpful but it doesn't seem to stick with me during the week before the next meeting.
I do see a therapist and have a psychiatrist as well. I take Effexor, Neuronin and Klonapin was recently added to hopefully stabilize my mood swings. I feel ashamed and embarrassed writing that I'm on all this medication.

I know I need and want friends, desperately. I want to heal and recover and I hope to gain insights and ideas on how to control myself and think differently. I know my thinking can be so distorted, I take things so personally. Sometimes my logical mind realizes this but it won't connect to how I feel and I act out. I feel I am overly sensitive and that lots of things that I get upset about wouldn't upset a healthy person. I hate being so sensitive.

That's the short of it. Thank you for reading. Happy New Year.

Hi Astro, and welcome. Any number of us will identify with your story, so know that you're not alone here. Recovery from BPD is possible if you are ready to work for it -- and it is work, make no mistake. This board offers a number of tools you can use. Check the Tools box on the left. Your therapist may offer other approaches and methods as well. It all seems to come down to learning new ways to respond to the things that set us off! Best of luck to you, and I hope to see you posting here. jim

Hey Astro,

new here myself, but its great at least you can see how distorted your thinking is. I mean, without awareness, you dont even see you have the choice for change. Thats huge. I think you can find many supportive friends here that understand. I also am in a strange place where i can see the irrationality of my thoughts and beliefs, but still investing faith in them somehow, bodily or something so the emotional reactions still come. i think its the hardest part since one can see just how 'off' their thinking is, but still dont have the skills yet to act differently each time. I say skill since i believe it takes practice, effort and technique. those kinds of things must be learned, so patience is required (and helpful). : )

welcome