BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hello,

I am new to the site and my latest bout of abandonment terror has made me once again see what might be going on with me. Although I am male (i know BPD is predominantly female affliction) and I dont recall any sexual abuse (again a common cause, I have read before) I feel that many of the symptoms fit. Especially the abandonment fears and feeling empty, lacking stable identity, and splitting. When I am in a perceived abandonment I completely disassociate and feel that I must and will do anything to prevent being left. it's life or death feeling. I am 41 year old male and have experienced this in relationships since i was 17. Birth father died when i was 3 months old, mother remarried and terrible marriage ending in divorce when i was 16. I escaped pain mostly though sex or erotic fantasy as a boy.

Well, now im in a foreign country with little or no practical support and my latest relationship is on the rocks and my being left fears are out of control. Frantic calling, going to her place unannounced with flowers, using sex to manipulate/keep her with me, saying things i dont mean to avoid being left, crying in public places. As my behavior gets more bizzare, she pulls away and i that makes me more frantic..etc. She does know about my condition and is sympathetic put im am asking her never to leave me no matter what and since she isnt my mother, that aint gonna work and isnt healthy anyway. Sometimes she even sees this behavior as love or sweet which seriously makes me question her health as well.

I am scared and I am here for support. I am doing some work of Miguel Ruiz and trying to become an observer of my mind's process. I am open to anyone's advice regarding my situation.

thanks everyone.

"and my latest relationship is on the rocks and my being left fears are out of control. Frantic calling, going to her place unannounced with flowers, using sex to manipulate/keep her with me, saying things i dont mean to avoid being left, crying in public places. As my behavior gets more bizzare, she pulls away and i that makes me more frantic..etc. She does know about my condition and is sympathetic put im am asking her never to leave me no matter what and since she isnt my mother, that aint gonna work and isnt healthy anyway. "

DUDE I've been there Done that.I usally go 8-10 yrs between girlfriends and they usally last 6 months At first I am so happy for the closeness both physical and emotional,but as my insecurities and neediness surface they have a change of heart.Each time I take it harder to extent of getting No Contact Papers from the Court the last time.
But I can finally see the extreme unhealthiness I manifest to romantic relationships.I've been though individual theraphy and in patient treatment in the last 2 yrs.I do not think I will ever be able to handle a romantic relationship and I am coming to accepttance of that.It leaves me depressed but I know My only hope is to work on my relationship with myself.
Hang in there Man

First off, hi and welcome. You don't have to have an official diagnosis to be a part of our community, so don't worry about that. I hope you can find some support here.

I read somewhere lately (can't remember where at the moment) that it seems that the old thoughts that BPD is a predominately female disorder are now being somewhat discredited. Men were supposed to be "tough" and able to suck it up, so they probably were a lot more reluctant to confess the types of thinking and emotional problems that lead to a diagnosis of BPD, but I think more men these days *are* willing to admit to these kinds of issues and seek therapy, so we're seeing more of them being told they have BPD. Also, many people with BPD weren't sexually abused at all -- I wasn't -- so that isn't the only thing that leads to the disorder. It sounds like you had a pretty chaotic childhood, and that's all it takes. Even though you were just an infant when your father died, you still experienced his loss, and no doubt your mother was less emotionally available to you during that time as well. Then her second marriage probably led to emotional neglect of you, too, even if you were not physically abused in any way yourself. You learned dysfunctional coping mechanisms, and it has cost you in terms of your relationships. But it *is* possible to develop new and more effective ways of dealing with our emotions and behavior.

In terms of your current situation, I don't know whether the relationship can be saved or not. But even if not, you can learn new ways of coping with the fears and hopefully find more success in the future. If you have read our "Tools" (in the box on the left), you'll find that Ruiz' The Four Agreements is one of the main cornerstones. But there's other good stuff in there as well -- I think working with "The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking" might be especially helpful for you.

So get comfortable here, and jump in wherever you'd like with questions or comments.

Thanks for the replies and support!

hopefulnot: I think you are right on with making the relationship with self first priority right now. I don't think it means you will never have one again, but for the time being its probably best to refrain for a while. I guess I thought I was over the condition and it went away with time..nu-uh...
It's comforting to know its not just myself with these issues..hang in there too!

Sari: thank you also for your thoughtful introduction. I have been reading the voice of knowledge by Miguel Ruiz as well as doing the work of one of his students who offers some online audio series and practices. It's been helpful overall and I'm glad what Ive been doing seems to be a favored resource for these issues. I guess what i need most is a life again. I focused on her so much, I let my career go south, stopped seeing friends, and how she is my sole source of approval. If she calls me or answers the phone when i call, I am so happy - I am good person. If she doesn't call, must mean I am bad or unlovable kind of thing. So I need to get busy with work and friends and somehow, i don't know how, but take back the power of god that I gave to her to decide if I am OK or not. I hate waking up each morning. like today, feeling dread about what I will feel based on what happens with her.

So, I will get busy with my life but not SO busy that I use it as a distraction to feeling. Being alone in this room just imaging and worrying CANT be good. Anything is better than that.

I also like the 5 step approach and will use that when i have crisis moment (like her not calling me back or distancing in some way.

I appreciate the community's wisdom, insights, and sharing.

" I guess what i need most is a life again. I focused on her so much, I let my career go south, stopped seeing friends, and how she is my sole source of approval. If she calls me or answers the phone when i call, I am so happy - I am good person. If she doesn't call, must mean I am bad or unlovable kind of thing."
I can relate to that SO MUCH If I thought the relationship was going well I was happy about life if not I was so anxious I had to call her repetedly and she of course pulled away.
So I will focus on Radical Acceptance of Life of myself and learn to grow.

I was so interested by your last post that I read some others. I am overwhelmed.

You are me. that is exactly how i act.

it rears its head in relationships. it is like a reflex. It just happens uncontrollably. I just can't be abandoned- at any cost. i am drowning and gasp for air. I show up, I call, I cry, I say mean things. Even when I know the relationship is so screwed up that it couldnt be healthy to continue to frantically hold on. I can't be alone. I plead and plead. majorly unhealthy stuff.

I am scared because I want to so badly to have a healthy relationship. after so many incidents of absolute insanity (5 different guys), I am losing hope that it is possilble

It seems we have a similiar affliction. I hope through this board we can work though and be a mirror to each other. I know what you mean about starting to feel its never just gonna be 'normal', whatever that is. I think the self love, esteem and radical acceptance work is all good for this condition.

I'd like to PM with you so perhaps we can talk more about it, if you like. I am sorry you are suffering too, but in a way I feel like somehow better knowing that someone is feeling what Im feeling.

The folks on this board have been way helpful and I am new here too. I think you found a great resource as have I. : )

Stay strong,