BPDRecovery.com: Forums

It's the end of a ten-year relationship that's brought me here.

I'm only 23, so yes, we were together since age 13. Almost broke up oh, only about a million times. Fear of abandonment much? I'm terrible at letting people go. I tend to freak out and call them obsessively. One guy that I had a crush on I tracked down after he moved to another state. His mother told me to stop calling. I didn't stop.

My ex now believes I have narcissistic personality disorder. At first, I had been reading about it in connection with my mother, who has severe issues of her own, more severe than mine, I think, in their own way. Reading about various personality disorders in an attempt to understand her is what eventually got me reading about BPDs in relationships. And when I started reading BPDfamily.com I started crying and shaking in recognition because that crazy lady was ME. I have done horrible things, I have been abusive, I have been insane. I have serious problems, and I took them out on him, and no wonder he's leaving me. It hurt so bad, it was like a million knives all over my body, but I was honest and didn't turn away from the realization. And now I'm here because the breakup forum I'm on (SYBD) doesn't really seem to be a mental health support community. They don't believe me when I tell them that this BPD crazy lady IS me, they just tell me to get diagnosed.

My mother, who I recently got back in contact with after two months of NC based on various fucked-up things she's done, has offered me insurance and concomitant therapy. I'm taking it. I want to get diagnosed. I want to get better. I don't want to be like this anymore.

My childhood was very abusive and all three of my parents (mom, dad, stepdad) are mentally ill in some way. My dad is a currently relapsed alcoholic who cheated on my mother throughout their ten-year relationship, mostly while drunk, mostly with men. He got arrested for sodomy in a public park when I was 3 and Mom divorced him. Three years later she married a Vietnam vet who was extremely abusive, mentally, emotionally, and physically. He made me call him Daddy, hated when I talked and moved us around a lot, putting me in horrible schools, he made my mother get rid of my dog, he made fun of me constantly and was always telling me either to shut up or to stop crying. He and my mother were both physically abusive on a semiregular basis. Social Services was called on us 3 times when I was a teenager. Each time, they recommended counseling and closed the file.

I've been hospitalized twice, once when I was 14 when I took an overdose of Prozac and was put on the mental ward, and once when I was 17 and overdosed on Coricidin Cough & Cold given to me by a friend. I almost died that time but managed to convince everyone afterward that I hadn't taken the pills to get high, that I was dumb enough to believe my friend when he told me the pills would make me feel "relaxed." Ha. As if. No one really bought it but enough people pretended to that I eventually passed high school and got into college.

I got into drugs in college and made some horrible friends and it was in college that I started becoming physically abusive toward my boyfriend (now ex -- ugh) when we fought. In the moment, I felt totally cold and justified, but afterwards I was always horrified and had to come up with some explanation (convoluted as it was) for why it had happened. He tried to leave me the first time it happened and I broke down in front of him and cried and screamed that I had been abused as a child and it wasn't my fault. Looking back, even I knew that was bullshit, I just said it because I was desperate that he was going to leave me and even though I wasn't happy with him most of the time, I couldn't take the idea of him leaving.

Okay, even I'm starting to get sick of telling the story of my life, so you all must be sick of it too. It's a long soap opera melodrama and most of it probably isn't worth telling or hearing. I'm just glad to have found this board and I hope that someday I won't hate myself as much as I do right now.

Welcome to the Maddness[smile]theres support here.I've tons of Bordine Issues mostly and almost isanely in Romantic relationship[when they end]before then I'm mr nice guy ah Mr Insecure nice guy.I went threw treatment for depression and Bi Polar and am finding Mindfulness Work to help the most.Radical Accepttance Live with the Heart of the Buddha helps me.Hang in there I just relised this stuff at age 52!

Hi samgirl and welcome to the board! You don't need an official diagnosis to participate here, so don't worry about that... but it sounds like you do want to pursue the diagnosis and treatment, which is a good idea. You've really been through a lot, and it will be good for you to get with a competent therapist to work through it all.

In the meantime, check out our "Tools" (in the box on the left) -- they have helped a lot of us straighten out our thinking and behavior. It *is* possible to learn to manage your emotions in a healthier and more functional way. I don't know whether you can salvage your current relationship, but you're young, so if you can put in some serious effort on getting well, there's every hope you can have a successful one in the future.

Hi Samgirl,

welcome..i am new here too and I also am coming to terms with how these emotional patterns just kill any chance for true relating, so I feel for you. Sounds like you are ready to take responsibility and get well and coming to a site like this is a great step. Hopefully we can all help each other thru the rough spots : )
Cheers!

This is actually the main reason I ended up here, highpoly, and the main reason I want to change. I'm fed up with the unsatisfying relationships in my life, the superficiality and drama. I want real relations, I want to love someone in a healthy way. I want to be able to love someone in a healthy way. Looking back over my life I'm not sure I ever have; I'm not sure I know how. But I want to learn.

Sari, I've checked out the Tools box and read a lot from the site and I have gained a newfound respect for CBT. I'm thinking about finding a therapist who specializes in it in my area when the new insurance kicks in. Right now there are two post-its on my night table: one with the five steps, and one with the four agreements. They're super-challenging but I know they're worth it if I can actually start to apply them to my life.

hopefulnot, I too hope to learn how to stop that cycle of going crazy when relationships end, as I only end up hurting myself and others. I know you know what I'm talking about.

Thanks to everybody for your warm words of welcome.

Sam

Thank You for the encouragement New Member