BPDRecovery.com: Forums

hi. i was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago, just after i had my first child - she was 4 months old when i had an episode which landed me in the hospital for a little while. my therapy was alright but i was very uncomfortable with my therapist. i would ask questions and i would get the run around... so i quit going. everything was good until a year later i was 20 mos pregnant with my second when another episode happened. unfortunately i ended up with the same therapist so she sent me to a couple of places, but they all cost money and i just don't have the money to spend....
(just as a side note - during these episodes there was no physical injury to myself or my kids - i hate being branded as the bad mom when people hear my story!)
i don't want to lose the life i have - a wonderful husband and two little girls who love me to death! but i'm afraid if i don't get this under control i won't have them around anymore - and then what do i have left?
i'm here for help after searching for so long - i hope this is the first step to recovery!

Hi mommy, and welcome -

You have a lot that's worth saving. It *is* possible to get better, but it takes some serious work and a lot of determination and patience.

It's unfortunate that you are having trouble relating to your therapist. But if you have no option to find a new one, it would be good if you -- and she -- keep trying to work together. I don't know quite what you mean that she gives you the run-around. Try to be calm, honest, and open-minded (i.e. not defensive) when you ask her questions. Break your major issues down into manageable topics for discussion. You can't fix it all at once. What caused the "episodes" that resulted in your hospitalization? Anger issues? What are the triggers? Abandonment issues? Can you think of any way to work on that? We have some great "Tools" (you can find them in the box on the left) that can help with stuff like that.

I gotta ask though -- 20 months pregnant? I know pregnancy can seem to last that long, and I was once pregnant for a month longer than I thought I would be, but 20 months would set a record. I'm sure it was just a typo, and I hope you don't mind my kidding you...

oh of course i don't mind the joke! yes i did mean 20 weeks.

when i talk about her giving me the run around, it's more of a schedule thing - i had 3 sessions cancelled on me in a row but not until i had already either got the kids a babysitter or got them ready to come - then we get there and they tell me that it's cancelled and i should have gotten a call (which i never did). that just really got me in a funk about going - but i guess you're right - having a therapist is better than not.

my episodes were a mixture of anger because of abandonment - i tend to think my husband wants to leave me - even when it's the farthest from the case....we have been working on that though and we're trying to find the trigger words that make me feel that way - so far so good - it's been more than a year since i was hospitalized!

thanks for the info about the tools - they look very interesting. i will get right on those cause they do look like when used properly they could be a huge help!!!

thanks again for everything and i'm sure i'll talk to you again soon!

That would make me crazy if my T cancelled my appointments without notice. I don't blame you for being pissed and not wanting to go back. But again, I hope you can talk about it to her, express that it is very difficult for you in terms of planning as well as emotionally, and hopefully she will work with you to make sure that it doesn't happen again. It is very difficult, I think, to do all this work without the assistance of a T, although there are certainly those who have done it. I've just needed the extra help to keep me focused, and reinforce -- sometimes over and over again -- the ideas that I need to concentrate on to redirect my thinking and behavior in healthier directions. The Tools stuff, though, is really good to work on on your own, not that you can't bring them up to your T and get her input.

Anyway, I'm glad you found us, and I hope you find the board helpful. It's been a bit quiet lately, but if you have questions or comments, don't hesitate to jump in, and hopefully one of us will respond in a somewhat timely manner.

Just wanted to say hello and second the welcome Sari gave you! I'm glad you are here and look forward to posting with you further!

thanks guys!!!! i think this will be a good help for me!